This is more of a personal topic about my life and I've made topics on this forum in the past mainly because you guy's do give some pretty good advice, it also makes me feel like I'm not alone but recently my emotions are just making me feel dreadful. Before I start I want to make something clear, I am in the best shape ever at the moment (I got to gym almost 5 times a week), I am receiving the best grade's possible (all B's even though I'm trying to move onto A*'s) and I am making a lot of money from the job I have (I've been going to work so much recently and my boss is happy with what I do)
My lifestyle is good but here is my problem and I've been struggling with this for the past 3 years, I have some insane obsession with the idea of being in a relationship with a really attractive girl. I cannot get this off of my mind but I just want to find a soulmate and be in love for some reason even though I have a healthy lifestyle, I have made out with 13 girls in my life all of whom I was attracted to (except from one) but despite the fact I have had a lot of those good times I feel like I want something more. For example a few months back a girl went out with me one day and we made out, after that I told her I wanted a relationship with her (because she kept hinting about one with me before) but things got awkward and we don't talk anymore. I keep looking back on these mistakes like failed opportunities and the more I look back on my past I just get even more depressed than I already am.
I don't consider myself a popular guy I used to go outside a lot with "friends" but I was conforming with those "friends", they smoked weed and were all bad trouble so I got rid of them after a dispute with them. For more information on that here was the whole ordeal:
I used to be in a crowd of thugs that done nothing but smoke weed and talk stuff all day, I used to be one of those guy's that you'll have a very bad opinion of if you saw me like you could see through the ways I acted I tried to act hard spoke slang, disrespected my ex girlfriend and all. I was a disaster, I didn't care about my GCSES and I was in a group full of Muslims who wanted to act their hardest but they all failed to do so. I left the group many months ago because they just forgeted me around all they ever did was take the piss out of me, I was sick of it all and I woke up. These aren't good Muslims, these are just washed up Muslims who know no better and are using their religion in defense for everything. I will never understand why such people of such faith contradict every word they say, there's this one girl I know who goes on about how Muslim she is yet she drinks alcohol all the time and kisses boys 24/7. Is that Religious? is saying "stafallah" in public out loud trying to justify everything you do wrong good? All these Muslims that are these young ages need to get a loving wake up call because this isn't religion, this is scummy behavior.
I don't hate Muslims, I have respect for them one of my companions is Muslim living in Israel right now. Some Muslims wish to live in peace I remember once when I used to live in New York City I was playing soccer at a park and a nice Muslim man joined in with our game. Him and his children were all kind and peaceful, people that spread happiness and peace are the ones which people need to learn from.
The last point I'd like to make and this is very personal, I wasn't there when this happened but that old crowd of thugs I used to hang out with thought they were so hard because they set fire to an abandoned warehouse disturbing the public and using emergency services. On this day I was with one of my ex girlfriends, one who I treated like stuff because of these thugs and god bless her because she was always right about how I was acting. We were in Olympic park enjoying ourselves until we saw smoke in the clouds and I knew it was them because they always thought they were hard or some stuff. These were my "bros" yeah loving right, I don't think so:
https://www.standard.co.uk/news/london/stratford-fire-firefighters-battle-huge-blaze-in-disused-office-block-a3399961.html
A year later I defended myself from all the bullstuff these richardheads were putting me through:
The only thing I have to say is one day we will live in peace and I pray to everyone here that they don't smoke weed, get involved with any sort of drugs or act in ways they aren't or hang around with "friends" that just forget with them
That is some of my past in a nutshell, you can read it if you want to but I guess it's a reason why I'm alone a lot. I only have a few friends nowadays but were not a group that goes outside a lot and they're also taking very hard A levels which is why they're constantly busy. Then there's me who's usually free all the time but not many free friends to see
I guess I'm constantly finding myself in a space of loneliness and sadness which is why I'm always wanting a girlfriend to vibe with and cuddle with. But I just wish this feeling would go away because I just can't enjoy anything anymore as much as I used to, even if I'm with my friends somewhere I'm still getting these feelings and feeling upset. I just wish these emotions would go away.
One of my main issues as to why I've been feeling really low recently as well, was getting forgeted over. 3 weeks back I got tinder, matched with a small amount of people but one girl stood out the most, she was really attractive. We had a lot in common but one day I told her my actual age (16) and she told me that "This is illegal" even though she's 18, we're only 2 years apart and quiet frankly I've gone out with a girl who was 2 years younger than me when I was 15 (we didn't do anything illegal, we only kissed) when she told me that it was "illegal" that I was 16 and she was 18 she just gave me her phone number out of the blue but then after an hour ignored my messages. It was only recently that I contacted her mainly because of one big problem that I've never faced before. A few days back I had a dream about her out of nowhere and we were cuddling in a high rise apartment but there was something both pulling me towards her but also pulling me away from her. Trying to figure out what was going on I woke up even though I wanted to know why this had happened, when I woke up I had to catch my breath and was just shocked to stuff. I contacted her a day later since I noticed she was liking my recently uploaded pics on instagram quicker than usual. I asked her what was so wrong about going out with someone two years of age, she told me she didn't know and I asked her I wanted to know why. She then told me age doesn't matter then I asked her why it mattered to her two weeks back and all she said was "Tbh I'd like to get to know you" "can we leave it at that?" I just responded saying "I'd like to get to know you too" "Properly and maturely" she responded saying "That would be really nice" but I feel that things are just awkward now
I need help just overcoming all my problems at this point, I don't know what to do or why I'm attracted to this girl or the idea of being in a relationship. Each time I see a couple on the street I feel angry and upset. I just don't know what to do, if you took time out of your day to read my problems and respond to them with advice I thank you ever so much, god bless you. I just want to be happier again