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« on: May 18, 2015, 11:01:47 AM »
Friends, forumers, countrymen, lend my your eyes and minds- if ever so briefly.
I address you not on terms of formal occasion, and not for directly informative purpose, but to share with you thoughts and experiences. I do so for reasons of my innermost personal stance, justly entitled by freedom.
I recently had a life changing experience, a metaphorical ballast of a chain of such experiences.
I met the girl, the woman, my love. I knew in her eyes that she was for me, as all else faded and we wandered promptly into each other's dreams.
It was and is too good to be true. From a man convinced never to love, never capable of loving, and destined to be the lonely hermit among my mountainsides I saw a light of happiness, never felt before.
We fell into our sharing arms, conjoining moments of joy and suspense, excitement and exploration, interest and passion.
My self-doubt pokes, prods, and occasionally stabs atop my left lung, you know the spot. Could this be? A lonely odd shell of a man with all this soul and power invisible to the world. Could she truly see this? Was it possible to emerge from my spiritual invisibility?
I poem to her, and she poems to me. We poem together, an elegant love song of our pasts molding. She takes my heart, and my love is hers. I know her love is mine and it is surely the most beautiful thing possible in any of life.
It sounds cherry on top with extra sprinkles, and indeed it can be considered as such. But why, why would I reach upon the forums for a such a gracious lack of debacle?
No stone goes unmoved forever.
It was her special night, specifics mattering only to those involved. I was with my gentlemen, her with her ladies. As the hours rolled toward Sunday morning, ever steady in contact with my love, we decided to conjoin and attend each other. We were to party a field, but no said the rain. Let us meet in sight of a familiar house, of her classmate and friend. My friends, after some convincing, joined me on my excursion into the night. I met her there, already Sunday morning, perhaps 12:25 AM. She had a tired look upon her, appropriate for the hour. I took her hand, also pulling her close for a brief embrace. Despite my friends awkward shyness upon first meeting my lady and her friend, we all grouped and migrated on foot to the playground behind the local central school. The night air was crisp, misting ever so carefully upon us. Something felt off, but I was ignoring any doubts.
We arrived at the playground, spending time flocked together. I had her hand in mine, smiling at her face as all the others gazed upon the shooting stars. I turned to take in the view of my friends observing the cosmos, as active as ever spitting into our atmosphere. The moment I looked at Kevin, twin of Sean, I noticed something obscure. He was just but a meter or two before me.
--- I could not see him clearly.
I thought, perhaps I am just light headed, continuing to enjoy my grasp.
--- I turned another direction, and in a foggy mist my consciousness became altered.
I have not drugged or drank myself to such a place, what is this?
I stepped a few feet away from my dearest as I recall, trying to observe what was happening as my mind functioned as well as my sense faltered.
--- "Guys, I am a bit dizzy.... -pause- Guys, I am tripping balls..."
Immediately I felt as if I had slurped upon a vat of tangy acid, the hippie kind.
The patterns emerged in full frame, the light altered. I was inside my head, and could only just hope that as I could communicate outwards I would continue to receive.
They became only just a bit panicked, as I- short of balance- grasped some pole object in the playground to stay afoot.
My vision was a haze, I thought of my situation as I began to stumble away from the group. I thought of my mom, my dad, and felt myself spiriting as I died.
...But I was not dead.
The dream, the trance I was in, I don't remember it fully. Sean appears to have caught me as I fell. For all his faults he is a savior as a friend.
I feel like its been long, but time is not real.
I open my eyes, staring up and seeing stars and darkness in the beauty of a sky above me. They are talking to me, I spring up as concerned as I am excited to be alive. I thought not that I would wake once more.
They said it had been a matter of seconds, perhaps twenty at most.
I sprung up to my feet like it had never happened.
I looked for my love, despite my state I could see that she had been scared, terrified, a blend of all these types of things you might find within a thesaurus.
What was this surprise trip from? Why? How? It didn't matter as much as making her feel okay again.
My friends were in a rush to bring me the walk back to the car, but as I moved I felt it coming back and refused to head onward. I sat in the wood chips, provided some water and snack that I had fed partially to them earlier.
I eventually stood, I grabbed her hand, and walked as one with her back to the car. Frazzled as ever, babbling over experience and stating apologies, we made the trip back. She hit my belly, gently but furiously, but assured me it's okay as long as I am okay. I had trouble believing this, and maybe I still do.
We arrived at the lot, awkwardly standing and gazing. Processing, feeling, ever so confusedly.
I promptly realized that our night together was rolling out of station, and in our moment possible I kissed her.
"I'm sorry, I never want to hurt you and I mean all those things I said yesterday. I love you."
All I remember is that she said "I love you too." Maybe that was before we kissed? Either way I needed it.
I hungered beside my car as she walked away, my friends tiresome (except Sean) and vaguely pondering the occurrence. Sean mentioned a drug that I had not to do with extensively or for a great deal of time, one incapable of producing flashbacks. For some reason the feeling of him muttering that word replayed in my head.
I briefed him on my car, and sent a text to my angel assuring her that I was to have a safe trip home.
Sean manned the Subaru in early morning excitement, never having piloted much greater than an early century Dodge Neon on basis.
We embarked, we spoke a little. Dylan was asleep and Kevin was close to it. Sean and I were wide awake.
My home was just but twenty or thirty minutes road away. We pulled in, parked, a forgetful mist of my potential state sprayed them as they walked in to the locked mud-room before I left the car. I was functioning again, however.
I thought of how I felt, what I knew, it hit me. "THE CHIA SEEDS!"
It was that moment I fathomed the concoction I poisoned myself with, both unintentionally and suddenly. My babe had turned me onto a drink, a basic juice with seeds in it. These seeds, not usually considered as such, are chemically hallucinogenic in certain quantities and peoples. Rare as ever, I had fallen to their whim.
I kept in contact with my dear, but we had a great deal of tension after such an experience and night. I slept and had concerning dreams as wrong as personal. The next morning we spoke in text, the tension easing as slowly as you can imagine with each message. It took until evening until I had a real smile.
That day I was to see her, but our plans cancelled in a reasonable fashion, as is the way of chance and life. I turned around and went home to find my mother stressed and upset about something unimportant and temporary. I broke down and told her, and as loving as she is she forgot all else and reminded me of myself. I talked with my friends, my father, my lovely. The day had tears, the day had thought, the day had hope in mind.
In a brief summary, I did think I was going to die when my surprise trip started. I did think I hurt her by sharing love and promptly falling in an apparent death before her, just a universal blink afterwards. I was alive but I was not fully okay. I was comforted by all the people in my life who I encountered while on this topic.
I would like to change tone and break story for a moment.
I never thought I would find her, I never thought we would fall in love. I never thought I would be in the park that night. I never thought I would trip. I never thought I would wake up. I am no psychic, nor are you reader.
We are dynamic variables in space and time. Never can you predict moments accordingly for long, we are victims of change and entropy.
However we have choices, we have things to see and love to share and stories to tell. These things can only happen if you welcome the unknown and proceed onward my friends.
When you think you are going to die, and you wake up still human... something changes inside you. I am positive and attempt happiness on regular recent occasion, but now something is new. A value has arisen.
I feel better as tension with my beloved has eased, as I want nothing more than her love in my life and mine in hers.
I feel better that I can depend on the perseverance of love and honesty with my people.
I feel better that I am alive and get to continue my amazing journey.
My forumer friends, be cautious and choose to continue always.
Do not what feels magnetic, but what feels right. What feels right will become magnetic.
Be honest, as fully as you can, always.
Anything is possible for you, imagine what you want to see and believe it. Talk is cheap, your energy has no limit of value.
Do not eat Chia seeds.
Most importantly, never let your doubt hold you back from love. For you must love yourself foremost until someone can more, and then only secondarily to this special person.
Good day forum, I will continue another time and will respectfully answer any questions about my out-of-the-blue and semi unique blogland compilation.
Love all, hate none, feel forever, exist.
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