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« on: September 22, 2014, 06:57:27 PM »
hey guys
I haven't been on the forums in a very long time, and I need to vent about some stuff
A week ago today was my 16th birthday; my 15th year of life has been the worst yet, and I don't know how to make myself feel better.
I got 2 very serious bouts of food poisoning within 2 months, one resulting in me having to go to A&E, and I am now terrified of eating anything. I feel sick all the time because of my anxiety, and no matter how much I try not to think about it, it always comes back to me.
In all of my life, I have never felt comfortable around my father. I always put on a fake personality in front of him to show as little as possible of myself to leave myself less vulnerable to attack. He's been divorced from my mother since I was four, and I finally stood up to him. He completely exploded at me and I don't see him anymore. He continues to send me emails and I've heard from my sister that he's been extremely depressed about it, and has even cried (my dad hardly ever cries about anything). I worry about his health, both mentally and physically. He once tried to kill himself, and I don't ever want him to try that again, but I feel like I have to take my own feelings into account too. I haven't seen him for three months.
My now ex-girlfriend has treated my like complete stuff, and somehow managed to brainwash me into thinking that was ok. She was my second girlfriend ever, and I can't help but feel she took advantage of my innocence and forgeted me over with it. During our relationship, she'd constantly tell me that she preferred girls, and that she wished I was a girl; she used to dress me up in female clothing and put makeup on me to try and make me look like a girl, and I just took it. Now I realise that she was never fully happy with me as a person because of my gender, even though she was bi. She would always make out with her friends, mostly female but sometimes male, and persuade me that it was ok because it was only a friend thing. Because I was hopelessly in love with her, I let it slide and didn't think about it too much. Looking back, it was obvious she was getting bored of me but didn't want to break up with me because she wanted as many loveual avenues open as possible.
Within a week of starting to date, she persuaded me to try oral, and I hated it because I was loving scared and had not done something like that before. Within a month, she was asking me for love, and because I wanted to do anything to make her happy, I tried. When I of course failed, she threatened to break up with me because I wasn't "experienced enough". While I was on holiday the following week, she sucked her ex-boyfriend's richard to get back at me. When I got home after being sick from food poisoning, she came round my house with a douchey friend I now hate (and who she coincidentally made out with one time). She told me that she'd cheated on me while he was in the room; within minutes, they were laughing at how I had "failed to find her vagina" when I tried to forget her. She's 14 years old psycho who cuts herself, smokes weed and listens to Black Veil Brides.
I stayed with her for another 7 months, and when the end finally came, another girl came into my life; she was wonderful, understanding and pretty, but I turned her down because I still had feelings for my stuffty ex. Three months passed, and I had already gotten back together with her twice. By the time I had seen my mistake, the girl has started dating someone else, leaving me in my current position.
I feel like a doormat, used and violated, and I don't know how to express my feelings about it to anyone. I sit alone at school and hardly go outside. I don't ever want to talk to my friends because they irritate me to an insane degree. My best friends are only on the internet, and most of them are in America, so I can't talk to them much. When I do, I have to stay up to insane times. I am physically exhausted and have contemplated Self Delete. Counselling doesn't work, and I've tried many, many anti-sickness pills to no avail.
Title. I really haven't felt this stuffty, ever; I don't know when it will end, and it doesn't feel like it's going any time soon.
edit: Sorry, not a plea for sympathy; I just felt like sharing because I haven't had much of a chance to anywhere else
if some of you have gone through something like this, I'd appreciate some advice
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