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« on: December 04, 2014, 03:46:07 AM »
An entire year of feeling the worst I've felt in my life.
I finally got to see my doctor and he prescribed me something to augment the antidepressants I'm already taking. So here's some history: months ago on Jan 1st, after months of slowly easing off the medication, (I felt good enough that I felt I didn't need it anymore) I stopped taking the antidepressants all together. That month turned out to be a new record in how stuffty I could feel. After that experience, I started going back up on the medication, but something was wrong. It's been almost an entire year and I still feel the same. I'm going on an even higher dose than I was in 2013, and everything around me is stuff. I'm feeling almost manic because I want to get off this planet, but I obviously can't.
When I go to school I stare everyone down and judge them out of my own insecurity. I don't have any friends, and I don't believe in myself to be able to hold a conversation to even keep one. I don't look at someone's face when I talk to them, and I don't smile.
Everything triggers my depression and anxiety. A lonely soda can on the street will do it. My dad eating a sandwich will do it. There are lots of topics that I can't listen to people talk about without getting nervous ideas about the horrible future I keep imagining. Every time I feel happy I subconsciously remind myself that it's all going downhill, and I snap back to reality. I feel so desperate for any kind of feedback and consolation that I don't even care that I'm posting this here.
Somebody will crack jokes about what I'm saying, and I feel like an idiot for even writing it. It's loving impossible. I'm judging myself for even writing this stuff. I feel like I'm posting this just to make people think I'm dark and mysterious. I don't want to be like that.
Posting this is social Self Delete for me. I feel like I've built up a reputation of being silly, and I've been taking it apart after the past few months. I think it's important for me to do this. Nobody probably cares or even remembers who I am though.
This new medication is supposed to improve the effects of the antidepressants I'm already taking. I really, really, really, hope this stuff works, or if there's ANY kind of solution. I can't believe I'm even here after how hard this year has been for me. I can say that it's the worst year I've experienced in my life.