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« on: July 13, 2006, 04:47:46 PM »
Based on a true story.
It all started when our cliche, protagonistic figure, Ephialtes, woke up in a haunted thicket. It was the fifth time it had happened. Feeling very frustrated, Ephialtes deflowered a live hand grenade, thinking it would make him feel better (but as usual, it did not). Before anyone could take off their pants, he realized that his beloved Treasure Chest was missing! Immediately he called his lover, Destruction. Ephialtes had known Destruction for (plus or minus) 11,000 years, the majority of which were flamboyant ones. Destruction was unique. He was intelligent though sometimes a little... insensitive. Ephialtes called him anyway, for the situation was urgent.
Destruction picked up to a very calm Ephialtes. Destruction calmly assured him that most spotted wolf hamsters shudder before mating, yet albino cats usually scandalously shudder *after* mating. He had no idea what that meant; he was only concerned with distracting Ephialtes. Why was Destruction trying to distract Ephialtes? Because he had snuck out from Ephialtes's with the Treasure Chest only five days prior. It was a eccentric little Treasure Chest... how could he resist?
It didn't take long before Ephialtes got back to the subject at hand: his Treasure Chest. Destruction sneezed. Relunctantly, Destruction invited him over, assuring him they'd find the Treasure Chest. Ephialtes grabbed his rhinocerus and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, Destruction realized that he was in trouble. He had to find a place to hide the Treasure Chest and he had to do it aggressively. He figured that if Ephialtes took the nappy, busted-out hatchback, he had take at least eight minutes before Ephialtes would get there. But if he took the Horse? Then Destruction would be barely screwed.
Before he could come up with any reasonable ideas, Destruction was interrupted by eleven selfish Dynamite Orcs that were lured by his Treasure Chest. Destruction panicked; 'Not again', he thought. Feeling pleased, he fearlessly reached for his ripened avocado and aptly poked every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the magical cornfield, squealing with discontent. He exhaled with relief. That's when he heard the Horse rolling up. It was Ephialtes.
----o0o----
As he pulled up, he felt a sense of urgency. He had had to make an unscheduled stop at Egg Roll King to pick up a 12-pack of dull pencils, so he knew he was running late. With a skillful leap, Ephialtes was out of the Horse and went exotically jaunting toward Destruction's front door. Meanwhile inside, Destruction was panicking. Not thinking, he tossed the Treasure Chest into a box of wolverines and then slid the box behind his elephant. Destruction was frustrated but at least the Treasure Chest was concealed. The doorbell rang.
'Come in,' Destruction charismatically purred. With a calculated push, Ephialtes opened the door. 'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some abrasive zealous...zealot in a neighborhood-terrorizing crotch rocket,' he lied. 'It's fine,' Destruction assured him. Ephialtes took a seat not remotely close to where Destruction had hidden the Treasure Chest. Destruction yawned trying unsuccessfully to hide his nervousness. 'Uhh, can I get you anything?' he blurted. But Ephialtes was distracted. Ever so extemperaneously, Destruction noticed a pestering look on Ephialtes's face. Ephialtes slowly opened his mouth to speak.
'...What's that smell?'
Destruction felt a stabbing pain in his love handle when Ephialtes asked this. In a moment of disbelief, he realized that he had hidden the Treasure Chest right by his oscillating fan. 'Wh-what? I don't smell anything..!' A lie. A dimwitted look started to form on Ephialtes's face. He turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's dull pencils from when she used to have pet legless puppies. She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. Ephialtes nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before Destruction could react, Ephialtes aggressively lunged toward the box and opened it. The Treasure Chest was plainly in view.
Ephialtes stared at Destruction for what what must've been eight millseconds. Before anyone could take off their pants, Destruction groped charismatically in Ephialtes's direction, clearly desperate. Ephialtes grabbed the Treasure Chest and bolted for the door. It was locked. Destruction let out a electric chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, Ephialtes,' he rebuked. Destruction always had been a little abrasive, so Ephialtes knew that reconciliation was not an option; he needed to escape before Destruction did something crazy, like... start chucking wolverines at him or something. With fist clenched and teeth gnashed, he gripped his Treasure Chest tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.
Destruction looked on, blankly. 'What the hell? That seemed excessive. The other door was open, you know.' Silence from Ephialtes. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame three days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly he felt a tinge of concern for Ephialtes. 'Oh. You ..okay?' Still silence. Destruction walked over to the window and looked down. Ephialtes was gone.
----o0o----
Just yonder, Ephialtes was struggling to make his way through the lemur-infested moor behind Destruction's place. Ephialtes had severely hurt his scalp during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral Dynamite Orcs suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the Treasure Chest. One by one they latched on to Ephialtes. Already weakened from his injury, Ephialtes yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of Dynamite Orcs running off with his Treasure Chest.
About eleven hours later, Ephialtes awoke, his fingernail throbbing. It was dark and Ephialtes did not know where he was. Deep in the humid magical cornfield, Ephialtes was barely lost. Ever so extemperaneously, he remembered that his Treasure Chest was taken by the Dynamite Orcs. But at that point, he was just thankful for his life. That's when, to his horror, a enormous Dynamite Orc emerged from the imaginery desert. It was the alpha Dynamite Orc. Ephialtes opened his mouth to scream but was cut short when the Dynamite Orc sunk its teeth into Ephialtes's fingernail. With a faint groan, the life escaped from Ephialtes's lungs, but not before he realized that he was a failure.
Less than nine miles away, Destruction was entombed by anguish over the loss of the Treasure Chest. 'MY PRECIOUS!!' he cried, as he reached for a sharpened live hand grenade. With a deft thrust, he buried it deeply into his kidney. As the room began to fade to black, he thought about Ephialtes... wishing he had found the courage to tell him that he loved him. But he would die alone that day. All that remained was the Treasure Chest that had turned them against each other, ultimately causing their demise. And as the dew on melancholy sappling branches began to reflect the dawn's reddish glare, all that could be heard was the chilling cry of distant Dynamite Orcs, desecrating all things sacred to virtuous men, and perpetuating an evil that would reign for centuries to come. Our heroes would've lived unhappily ever after, but they were too busy being dead. So, no one lived forever after, the end. :'(
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