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Off Topic / A check-in
« on: July 03, 2023, 01:02:44 AM »
I turn 26 this year.
I am posting this from the same room in my parents house that I've posted to this site from for... Over a decade now I guess. I don't really remember when I first started interacting with BLF. Some things haven't changed. Plenty enough changed for me to mostly move on. When I was old enough to buy my own alcohol I got into the bad habit of binge drinking occasionally then coming here and inflicting an inebriated mind upon the online social circle that, in part, raised me. Kind of poetic I guess. I've been sober for about 2 months now. I think I have a heart condition now. I'm seeing a cardiologist to get examined soon. It is what it is.
In the event that my digital footprint is used against me in the future in some way, I like to think it would be worth something if I at least demonstrate in some way that I'm not chained to the behaviors and habit loops that lead me to be a disastrous person. Disastrous in the sense that I said things, did things, reacted and spoke in ways that I regret and are no longer a part of my character. Or at the very least, diminished to the level that is required of those who are expected to function in society so as not to sow discord. Life is more peaceful when you are not at odds with strangers.
Anyway, there are some key moments in my life that shaped my psychological development and lead me down particular paths that I wish could have been avoided if someone had just told me something. I'm just going to say what I wish I could have said to my younger self throughout my life. The sad part is that even if I was explicitly told, I don't know if I would have listened. Such is youth, I guess:
One day, perhaps when you are 7 or 8, your mother will catch you watching something on television that somehow you know you shouldn't be. You were trying to discreetly watch the Howard Stern show because sometimes they get girls to take their tops off. Your mother will come in to the room and ask what you were watching and cycle through the channels, expecting you to call out what you were watching. You are going to be tempted to tell her that you were watching "Family Guy" because somehow you figured that it was less of an offense to watch a funny cartoon for grown-ups than to be curious about women's bodies. How did you come to the realization so young that it is more optimal for social acceptance to have performed the less disappointing of two supposed wrongs? Seeing as this is going to set the stage for how you respond to confrontation for the rest of your life-
Don't lie to her, please.
One day, perhaps when you're 11 or 12, you're going to see lots of funny videos on the internet of people getting jumpscared. You're going to want to lure your baby sister, a toddler, to the computer and have her watch you play the scary maze game, because it's a funny prank. In the aftermath, you will realize the error, since some part of you does really care about her - a part of you that will grow over the years and eventually you will realize that she is no longer the sweet baby sister that you should have protected - and you will desperately try to console her while at the same time try to convince her not to tell your parents and hide any evidence that she is experiencing psychological trauma wherever it comes up, and shape her environment as discreetly as possible to avoid any potential triggers, real or imagined. All of that turmoil can be avoided, so-
Don't lie to her, please.
One day, during your teenage years, you will be enrolled in a highschool at home program with no supervision because your mother wants you to succeed but is terrified of physically exposing you to the world, therein dooming you to fail from the start. You will excel at every subject and do well when you are working. You will think you can put off work and just catch up at the very end before the program ends. You won't. And your mother, despite not being available to offer supervision, will desperately ask you if you've finished. And you know just how to make her believe you have.
Don't lie to her, please.
One day, you're going to become friends with a coworker of the opposite love who has common interests and happens to be really cute. She has a pulse - just your type - and she enjoys your company. You're going to think this is a good basis for a relationship. She is going to tell you that she's interested in someone else but would still really like to be friends. You will get the very bright and hopelessly romantic idea that you can "wait" for her since her interest isn't a certain future. You're going to tell her that you'll wait forever.
Don't lie to her, please.
Besides, your hopeless desperation is going to scare her away anyway. Just breathe. You can do a lot worse than being single. And you're about to.
One day, in your dejected emotional state, a girl from church is going to show interest in you. Maybe no real common interests, but definitely a common sense of humor. And you get to spend a lot of time together. She moves away but you keep up the close friendship, talking every day, joking, laughing, offering advice, taking advice, visiting when possible. One day it becomes something more, because you are so desperate for something more. You won't realize the ramifications of a long-distance relationship where the bonding factor is joking about trauma and emotional dumping. But you will ignore every single red flag because by God someone finally loves you for you who are, right? You will promise her your love forever and ever, as those who are hopelessly lost in what they feel to be love so often do. You will tell her that the distance isn't a problem and that one day we will live together and be away from our toxic environments.
Don't lie to her, please.
One day, you are going to lose contact with many friends because of a global pandemic. You're going to start binge drinking more often than you used to because you're bored. You're going to resent life and the world and the people in it and the ones you know and the ones you love. Then you're going to make new friends. Better and more positive, healthy, and supportive than you've ever experienced before in your life. Relatively socially successful and content with their lot in life, enough to have some encouragement and support to spare for someone who thinks they've been dealt a crap hand. They're going to help you be a better person and you're going to want to let them. And they're going to introduce you to a very pretty girl. A healthy girl. A positive girl who loves life and living and fighting for what she believes in because she actually believes in something. A spirit of fire that matches her hair. A warmth in her heart that emulates the sun and is reflected in her amber eyes. Someone who fights and is worth fighting for. She will do battle and conquer. And she makes sure people know it.
But also, someone who was once burned, and twice shy. So.
Don't lie to her, please.
One day, you will realize that you are no longer happy with your current relationship. Come to think of it, you haven't been happy for quite some time now. Nothing has felt right. Nothing was right. But you didn't have the moral character to make this known until you thought there was a safe way out. A safe path forward. A "guarantee" that you wouldn't be alone forever if you took the leap of faith and ended an unhealthy relationship on your own. That leap of faith into the void of uncertainty and chaos and despair where the light at the end of the tunnel could just be your imagination. You didn't take that leap that requires strength and courage. Maybe that's okay in this moment. But it's no way to live, and that's how you've lived and how you will continue to live, until it becomes unbearable and ultimately becomes a cascading and crashing waterfall of uncertainty and consequence. You're going to end your current relationship, and she's going to ask you if it's because of someone else or if it's something that she did.
Don't lie to her, please.
One day, you will realize that you've really fallen in love with the girl of fire. She's become your best friend, and it's mutual too. She pushes you to be greater, points out things about you that no one ever has, or at least has had the gumption to say out loud. But she's been hurt before. She will reveal to you that her ex was a pathological liar and a manipulator, lying and manipulating her every day they were together. She can't date a liar. Not again. And after you've gotten close enough, she will ask you if there's anything wrong. She will ask you if there is anything that you know of in your life that could affect her if you started dating. She is desperate for a happy and pure and honest relationship. She is desperate for trust. And you are desperate for her. And you are so desperate that you believe that if she knew the truth, she would not accept you, and you would be alone. Back in the void. So, she will ask you. And you will be tempted to hide the truth. You will be tempted not to bring up your bulimia, that you never finished high school, that you had just come out of a relationship, that you have alcoholic tendencies like your father, or that you're thousands of dollars in debt due to your bulimic eating habits.
She's going to ask you if you have anything to hide.
You're going to be tempted to say no.
Please, don't.
Don't lie to her, please.
Because she will find out. She will find out months before the wedding.
And you will tell her everything once it's too late.
And she is so strong and fearless and fragile and broken that it's going to extinguish that fire you came to love.
You will be aligned with the same forces of deceit that burned her and made her paranoid.
You will make it so much worse by letting her believe you were honest.
Don't lie to her, please.
I am posting this from the same room in my parents house that I've posted to this site from for... Over a decade now I guess. I don't really remember when I first started interacting with BLF. Some things haven't changed. Plenty enough changed for me to mostly move on. When I was old enough to buy my own alcohol I got into the bad habit of binge drinking occasionally then coming here and inflicting an inebriated mind upon the online social circle that, in part, raised me. Kind of poetic I guess. I've been sober for about 2 months now. I think I have a heart condition now. I'm seeing a cardiologist to get examined soon. It is what it is.
In the event that my digital footprint is used against me in the future in some way, I like to think it would be worth something if I at least demonstrate in some way that I'm not chained to the behaviors and habit loops that lead me to be a disastrous person. Disastrous in the sense that I said things, did things, reacted and spoke in ways that I regret and are no longer a part of my character. Or at the very least, diminished to the level that is required of those who are expected to function in society so as not to sow discord. Life is more peaceful when you are not at odds with strangers.
Anyway, there are some key moments in my life that shaped my psychological development and lead me down particular paths that I wish could have been avoided if someone had just told me something. I'm just going to say what I wish I could have said to my younger self throughout my life. The sad part is that even if I was explicitly told, I don't know if I would have listened. Such is youth, I guess:
One day, perhaps when you are 7 or 8, your mother will catch you watching something on television that somehow you know you shouldn't be. You were trying to discreetly watch the Howard Stern show because sometimes they get girls to take their tops off. Your mother will come in to the room and ask what you were watching and cycle through the channels, expecting you to call out what you were watching. You are going to be tempted to tell her that you were watching "Family Guy" because somehow you figured that it was less of an offense to watch a funny cartoon for grown-ups than to be curious about women's bodies. How did you come to the realization so young that it is more optimal for social acceptance to have performed the less disappointing of two supposed wrongs? Seeing as this is going to set the stage for how you respond to confrontation for the rest of your life-
Don't lie to her, please.
One day, perhaps when you're 11 or 12, you're going to see lots of funny videos on the internet of people getting jumpscared. You're going to want to lure your baby sister, a toddler, to the computer and have her watch you play the scary maze game, because it's a funny prank. In the aftermath, you will realize the error, since some part of you does really care about her - a part of you that will grow over the years and eventually you will realize that she is no longer the sweet baby sister that you should have protected - and you will desperately try to console her while at the same time try to convince her not to tell your parents and hide any evidence that she is experiencing psychological trauma wherever it comes up, and shape her environment as discreetly as possible to avoid any potential triggers, real or imagined. All of that turmoil can be avoided, so-
Don't lie to her, please.
One day, during your teenage years, you will be enrolled in a highschool at home program with no supervision because your mother wants you to succeed but is terrified of physically exposing you to the world, therein dooming you to fail from the start. You will excel at every subject and do well when you are working. You will think you can put off work and just catch up at the very end before the program ends. You won't. And your mother, despite not being available to offer supervision, will desperately ask you if you've finished. And you know just how to make her believe you have.
Don't lie to her, please.
One day, you're going to become friends with a coworker of the opposite love who has common interests and happens to be really cute. She has a pulse - just your type - and she enjoys your company. You're going to think this is a good basis for a relationship. She is going to tell you that she's interested in someone else but would still really like to be friends. You will get the very bright and hopelessly romantic idea that you can "wait" for her since her interest isn't a certain future. You're going to tell her that you'll wait forever.
Don't lie to her, please.
Besides, your hopeless desperation is going to scare her away anyway. Just breathe. You can do a lot worse than being single. And you're about to.
One day, in your dejected emotional state, a girl from church is going to show interest in you. Maybe no real common interests, but definitely a common sense of humor. And you get to spend a lot of time together. She moves away but you keep up the close friendship, talking every day, joking, laughing, offering advice, taking advice, visiting when possible. One day it becomes something more, because you are so desperate for something more. You won't realize the ramifications of a long-distance relationship where the bonding factor is joking about trauma and emotional dumping. But you will ignore every single red flag because by God someone finally loves you for you who are, right? You will promise her your love forever and ever, as those who are hopelessly lost in what they feel to be love so often do. You will tell her that the distance isn't a problem and that one day we will live together and be away from our toxic environments.
Don't lie to her, please.
One day, you are going to lose contact with many friends because of a global pandemic. You're going to start binge drinking more often than you used to because you're bored. You're going to resent life and the world and the people in it and the ones you know and the ones you love. Then you're going to make new friends. Better and more positive, healthy, and supportive than you've ever experienced before in your life. Relatively socially successful and content with their lot in life, enough to have some encouragement and support to spare for someone who thinks they've been dealt a crap hand. They're going to help you be a better person and you're going to want to let them. And they're going to introduce you to a very pretty girl. A healthy girl. A positive girl who loves life and living and fighting for what she believes in because she actually believes in something. A spirit of fire that matches her hair. A warmth in her heart that emulates the sun and is reflected in her amber eyes. Someone who fights and is worth fighting for. She will do battle and conquer. And she makes sure people know it.
But also, someone who was once burned, and twice shy. So.
Don't lie to her, please.
One day, you will realize that you are no longer happy with your current relationship. Come to think of it, you haven't been happy for quite some time now. Nothing has felt right. Nothing was right. But you didn't have the moral character to make this known until you thought there was a safe way out. A safe path forward. A "guarantee" that you wouldn't be alone forever if you took the leap of faith and ended an unhealthy relationship on your own. That leap of faith into the void of uncertainty and chaos and despair where the light at the end of the tunnel could just be your imagination. You didn't take that leap that requires strength and courage. Maybe that's okay in this moment. But it's no way to live, and that's how you've lived and how you will continue to live, until it becomes unbearable and ultimately becomes a cascading and crashing waterfall of uncertainty and consequence. You're going to end your current relationship, and she's going to ask you if it's because of someone else or if it's something that she did.
Don't lie to her, please.
One day, you will realize that you've really fallen in love with the girl of fire. She's become your best friend, and it's mutual too. She pushes you to be greater, points out things about you that no one ever has, or at least has had the gumption to say out loud. But she's been hurt before. She will reveal to you that her ex was a pathological liar and a manipulator, lying and manipulating her every day they were together. She can't date a liar. Not again. And after you've gotten close enough, she will ask you if there's anything wrong. She will ask you if there is anything that you know of in your life that could affect her if you started dating. She is desperate for a happy and pure and honest relationship. She is desperate for trust. And you are desperate for her. And you are so desperate that you believe that if she knew the truth, she would not accept you, and you would be alone. Back in the void. So, she will ask you. And you will be tempted to hide the truth. You will be tempted not to bring up your bulimia, that you never finished high school, that you had just come out of a relationship, that you have alcoholic tendencies like your father, or that you're thousands of dollars in debt due to your bulimic eating habits.
She's going to ask you if you have anything to hide.
You're going to be tempted to say no.
Please, don't.
Don't lie to her, please.
Because she will find out. She will find out months before the wedding.
And you will tell her everything once it's too late.
And she is so strong and fearless and fragile and broken that it's going to extinguish that fire you came to love.
You will be aligned with the same forces of deceit that burned her and made her paranoid.
You will make it so much worse by letting her believe you were honest.
Don't lie to her, please.
