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« on: December 12, 2019, 05:30:09 PM »
not really an update but i just really really need to get some stuff off my chest.
i... i really don't know what to do anymore. every day it seems to get worse; i always think 'oh, i'm doing everything that's expected of me, things can only get better from here!' but then i get punished for something i can't even expect; be it me washing the dishes wrong, leaving the door open, having paper plates in my trash can, you loving name it. and i always get yelled at and punished. i lost my 'priveledge' to use my phone after 9 because i sleep too long just today. i try my hardest solely to keep the things i've '''earned''' to keep myself from having nothing to even do except twiddle my god damn thumbs all day in my empty room but something always happens to go wrong, and it's always the one loving thing i would never expect. it's like god himself is loving laughing at me.
before all this even started, before dad was released from prison, it was just me, nana, and grampy. i loving loved that old man and it loving sucks because i can't even tell him. the day he died i was a douchebag, too; he said 'have fun at school' and i didn't even answer and i loving regret not telling him i love him. he was the only one who would stand up for me, too; now everyone stands idle because everyone's already submissive because they 'know their place'. loving hell.
it was just me nan and gramps and all i had was my computer, a tv, my wii and my ds. every day it was just fun. i would go to school, get decent grades, come home, and goof off until i go to sleep. it was so god damn comfy; i used the guest room that dad now uses as his bedroom as my 'play pen'. when dad was still in prison he would send me letters almost every day; each one sweeter than the last. you could tell how much he missed me and how much he loved me, how much he resented the fact that he was absent in my life; he would even commission people in prison to draw me pictures of mario and pikachu on hankerchiefs as birthday presents. i have all these letters in a shoebox in my room. looking at it makes me well up every time. i don't know what happened to him that made him this way.
the worst part is, lets say i manage to call child protective services. what are they expected to do? all the abuse that's happening here is verbal and emotional; its abuse and it's very obvious gaslighting but what are they even supposed to do? CAN they even do anything about it? the best thing i can do is convince dad to see a therapist so he can be told off of doing this manipulative garbage from the mouth of a professional (because he wont listen to me; im scared to ask him anything.) and i know for a FACT that he will never do that. he's a narcissist for sure; in his eyes, what he's doing is good parenting.
i don't even have anyone to vent to. i won't be able to see a therapist as i lack a transportation method AND i'm too young to legally use uber, plus i dont even know if they'll accept my broke ass. and hey, let's say by some god damn miracle i manage to get in. what's gonna happen? sure i'll be able to vent about it but it won't fix anything. i'm stuck here until i turn 18 and move out or die. i just wish i had a family member who actually understands the magnitude of the situation; the fact that this stuff is basically killing me, someone i can actually hug, who would love me and accept me no matter what i do or who i am. shame that'll never happen; after all, love is conditional, am i right dad? i'm serious. when i came home from the store with my stepmom, he tried guilt tripping me for saying 'i love you' to my grandma for literally no loving reason; "love is something you show" forget off you disgrace
the worst part is sometimes he's really loving nice. like, for no reason, sometimes he's just a jolly person who will do stuff for you even if it's quite absurd; for instance he built a fort in the yard for me just because i talked about it alot. i dont even know why he does this, especially since he clearly doesn't care about my wellbeing. it sucks because it confuses the forget out of me; if he didn't love me, why would he build a shed for me to richard around in? i don't even know what to think anymore
i hope to god himself that nobody who will ever walk this cursed loving earth has to go through the stuff i have to endure almost on a daily now. no human being deserves this.
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