A blood red glow filled the night, as the boy's wand glimmered in his hand. Despite his youth, he possessed powers that were beyond the arcane, skills in the lineage of sorcery and swordplay that were nearly unmatched throughout the realm. His midnight travels were commonplace for him, preferring the cold darkness of the stars over the warm rays of the sun. Tonight was no different, until he stumbled upon a familiar cabin, tucked in the deepest part of the forest. He swept past the fire-lit windows, rising onto the porch with barely a sound. A deafening blast from his wand jolts the thick wooden door off its hinges, revealing the familiar inhabitant.
The boy mutters, "Face me, Hagen." Holding his sheath tight, he withdraws his sword to position it in line with the bearded man's face. "Face me, coward!", yells the boy, more agitated as his first commands were unanswered. The man, seated in-front of his hearth, smoothly stands up, turning to face his visitor. He reaches for the flask he was sipping from before he was rudely interrupted, and with a sudden twist to open the top, he slams it on the ground beneath his feet. The illusory smoke that fills the room shocks the boy, who attempts to clear the room with his many anti-hexes, only able to clear it enough to see the man is gone.
Hagen's calls for help over his HAM radio, stashed away in his cabin's basement are met with only static, worrying no one is there to hear him, he begins to panic. With the boy's unimaginable strength, Hagen admits to himself that his destined end might be upon him, as without reinforcements he is no match for this adversary.
The trapdoor from the room above blasts open in a similiar fashion to the front door, and with its ejection, the room fills with hot, blue flames. Hagen, now surrounded by fire, grabs his only weapon, a rusty sledgehammer probably once used on the property for labor, and retreats behind a central pillar of the basement. "I told you, face me." the boy snarls as he descends down into the inferno. With a quick blast from his wand, the pillar is engulfed in flames, which forces Hagen out of hiding. Shivering with fear, he drops to his knees, not muttering a word and intensely staring at his foe. "There you are..." a sighing statements slips from the boys mouth, as he begins to draw back the sword in preparation to strike.
A loud gunshot fills the silence, as the boy twirls around to face a new intruder. Katy, Hagen's partner, stands at the base of the ladder with a gun pointed directly at the boy. Blood begins pouring from a wound near the young master's heart, but his physical demeanor seems unchanged, almost as if the lethal shot had no effect on him. He charges at Katy, who successively fires shot after shot to no avail. Just as he seems ready to strike at the now cowering woman in the corner of the blue-lit room, Hagen's swing makes contact with a heavy strike to the boy's head. Stopped in his tracks, he falls to his knees, dissolving into ash right before the duo's eyes. The flames extinguish, and only the sound of his sword and wand clattering to the stone floor fill the air.
I like where you're going with it, but you really need to be more descriptive when it matters, aka not during the action, and you need to work out some of the awkward phrasing. You've got a bunch of good descriptions, some really don't work with whatever your trying to describe.
I didn't type mine out to say that you should write like me, and I'm especially not saying that I'm that good of a writer that you should completely listen to, but I hope I gave you an idea of what at least I'd like to read. Also, a disclaimer, it's 2:47 AM and I can only check my grammar and general syntax so much at this point, so read what I meant to say, not what I might've actually wrote.
Edit:
-snip-
Listen to this man.
Show Posts