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Off Topic / Re: Randomized Stories Thread
« on: February 02, 2012, 11:58:34 PM »
It all started when our adventurer, Cake Lancelot, woke up in a pumpkin patch. It was the ninth time it had happened. Feeling abnormally relieved, Cake Lancelot backhanded a spoon, thinking it would make him feel better (but as usual, it did not). Soon afterward, he realized that his beloved ubuntu disk was missing! Immediately he called his best friend, guy next door. Cake Lancelot had known guy next door for (plus or minus) 153 years, the majority of which were striking ones. guy next door was unique. He was attractive though sometimes a little... abrasive. Cake Lancelot called him anyway, for the situation was urgent.
guy next door picked up to a very sad Cake Lancelot. guy next door calmly assured him that most otters yawn before mating, yet capybaras usually indiscriminately shudder *after* mating. He had no idea what that meant; he was only concerned with distracting Cake Lancelot. Why was guy next door trying to distract Cake Lancelot? Because he had snuck out from Cake Lancelot's with the ubuntu disk only two days prior. It was a flamboyant little ubuntu disk... how could he resist?
It didn't take long before Cake Lancelot got back to the subject at hand: his ubuntu disk. guy next door panicked. Relunctantly, guy next door invited him over, assuring him they'd find the ubuntu disk. Cake Lancelot grabbed his bed and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, guy next door realized that he was in trouble. He had to find a place to hide the ubuntu disk and he had to do it deftly. He figured that if Cake Lancelot took the Daewoo, he had take at least eleven minutes before Cake Lancelot would get there. But if he took the flying bus? Then guy next door would be very screwed.
Before he could come up with any reasonable ideas, guy next door was interrupted by seven dimwitted penguins that were lured by his ubuntu disk. guy next door sneezed; 'Not again', he thought. Feeling stunned, he aggressively reached for his oven mitt and aggressively grabbed every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the vineyard, squealing with discontent. He exhaled with relief. That's when he heard the flying bus rolling up. It was Cake Lancelot.
----o0o----
As he pulled up, he felt a sense of urgency. He had had to make an unscheduled stop at Wal-Mart to pick up a 12-pack of forks, so he knew he was running late. With a mighty leap, Cake Lancelot was out of the flying bus and went charismatically jaunting toward guy next door's front door. Meanwhile inside, guy next door was panicking. Not thinking, he tossed the ubuntu disk into a box of salt shakers and then slid the box behind his ironing board. guy next door was concerned but at least the ubuntu disk was concealed. The doorbell rang.
'Come in,' guy next door flamboyantly purred. With a apt push, Cake Lancelot opened the door. 'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some oafish idiot in a Vette,' he lied. 'It's fine,' guy next door assured him. Cake Lancelot took a seat right next to where guy next door had hidden the ubuntu disk. guy next door cringed trying unsuccessfully to hide his nervousness. 'Uhh, can I get you anything?' he blurted. But Cake Lancelot was distracted. A few minutes later, guy next door noticed a insensitive look on Cake Lancelot's face. Cake Lancelot slowly opened his mouth to speak.
'...What's that smell?'
guy next door felt a stabbing pain in his leg when Cake Lancelot asked this. In a moment of disbelief, he realized that he had hidden the ubuntu disk right by his oscillating fan. 'Wh-what? I don't smell anything..!' A lie. A selfish look started to form on Cake Lancelot's face. He turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's butterknifes from when she used to have pet bunnies. She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. Cake Lancelot nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before guy next door could react, Cake Lancelot thoughtfully lunged toward the box and opened it. The ubuntu disk was plainly in view.
Cake Lancelot stared at guy next door for what what must've been eight seconds. Suddenly, guy next door groped flamboyantly in Cake Lancelot's direction, clearly desperate. Cake Lancelot grabbed the ubuntu disk and bolted for the door. It was locked. guy next door let out a sassy chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, Cake Lancelot,' he rebuked. guy next door always had been a little insensitive, so Cake Lancelot knew that reconciliation was not an option; he needed to escape before guy next door did something crazy, like... start chucking pencils at him or something. Almost immediately, he gripped his ubuntu disk tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.
guy next door looked on, blankly. 'What the hell? That seemed excessive. The other door was open, you know.' Silence from Cake Lancelot. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame eight days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly he felt a tinge of concern for Cake Lancelot. 'Oh. You ..okay?' Still silence. guy next door walked over to the window and looked down. Cake Lancelot was gone.
----o0o----
Just yonder, Cake Lancelot was struggling to make his way through the vineyard behind guy next door's place. Cake Lancelot had severely hurt his leg during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral penguins suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the ubuntu disk. One by one they latched on to Cake Lancelot. Already weakened from his injury, Cake Lancelot yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of penguins running off with his ubuntu disk.
But then God came down with His clever smile and restored Cake Lancelot's ubuntu disk. Feeling frustrated, God smote the penguins for their injustice. Then He got in His '82 Corolla and whizzed away with the fortitude of 1.2 billion otters running from a bloated pack of beavers. Cake Lancelot jumped with joy when he saw this. His ubuntu disk was safe. It was a good thing, too, because in ten minutes his favorite TV show, commercials, was going to come on (followed immediately by 'When marmots meet gun'). Cake Lancelot was overjoyed. And so, everyone except guy next door and a few weapon of mass destruction-toting puppies lived blissfully happy, forever after.
guy next door picked up to a very sad Cake Lancelot. guy next door calmly assured him that most otters yawn before mating, yet capybaras usually indiscriminately shudder *after* mating. He had no idea what that meant; he was only concerned with distracting Cake Lancelot. Why was guy next door trying to distract Cake Lancelot? Because he had snuck out from Cake Lancelot's with the ubuntu disk only two days prior. It was a flamboyant little ubuntu disk... how could he resist?
It didn't take long before Cake Lancelot got back to the subject at hand: his ubuntu disk. guy next door panicked. Relunctantly, guy next door invited him over, assuring him they'd find the ubuntu disk. Cake Lancelot grabbed his bed and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, guy next door realized that he was in trouble. He had to find a place to hide the ubuntu disk and he had to do it deftly. He figured that if Cake Lancelot took the Daewoo, he had take at least eleven minutes before Cake Lancelot would get there. But if he took the flying bus? Then guy next door would be very screwed.
Before he could come up with any reasonable ideas, guy next door was interrupted by seven dimwitted penguins that were lured by his ubuntu disk. guy next door sneezed; 'Not again', he thought. Feeling stunned, he aggressively reached for his oven mitt and aggressively grabbed every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the vineyard, squealing with discontent. He exhaled with relief. That's when he heard the flying bus rolling up. It was Cake Lancelot.
----o0o----
As he pulled up, he felt a sense of urgency. He had had to make an unscheduled stop at Wal-Mart to pick up a 12-pack of forks, so he knew he was running late. With a mighty leap, Cake Lancelot was out of the flying bus and went charismatically jaunting toward guy next door's front door. Meanwhile inside, guy next door was panicking. Not thinking, he tossed the ubuntu disk into a box of salt shakers and then slid the box behind his ironing board. guy next door was concerned but at least the ubuntu disk was concealed. The doorbell rang.
'Come in,' guy next door flamboyantly purred. With a apt push, Cake Lancelot opened the door. 'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some oafish idiot in a Vette,' he lied. 'It's fine,' guy next door assured him. Cake Lancelot took a seat right next to where guy next door had hidden the ubuntu disk. guy next door cringed trying unsuccessfully to hide his nervousness. 'Uhh, can I get you anything?' he blurted. But Cake Lancelot was distracted. A few minutes later, guy next door noticed a insensitive look on Cake Lancelot's face. Cake Lancelot slowly opened his mouth to speak.
'...What's that smell?'
guy next door felt a stabbing pain in his leg when Cake Lancelot asked this. In a moment of disbelief, he realized that he had hidden the ubuntu disk right by his oscillating fan. 'Wh-what? I don't smell anything..!' A lie. A selfish look started to form on Cake Lancelot's face. He turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's butterknifes from when she used to have pet bunnies. She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. Cake Lancelot nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before guy next door could react, Cake Lancelot thoughtfully lunged toward the box and opened it. The ubuntu disk was plainly in view.
Cake Lancelot stared at guy next door for what what must've been eight seconds. Suddenly, guy next door groped flamboyantly in Cake Lancelot's direction, clearly desperate. Cake Lancelot grabbed the ubuntu disk and bolted for the door. It was locked. guy next door let out a sassy chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, Cake Lancelot,' he rebuked. guy next door always had been a little insensitive, so Cake Lancelot knew that reconciliation was not an option; he needed to escape before guy next door did something crazy, like... start chucking pencils at him or something. Almost immediately, he gripped his ubuntu disk tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.
guy next door looked on, blankly. 'What the hell? That seemed excessive. The other door was open, you know.' Silence from Cake Lancelot. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame eight days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly he felt a tinge of concern for Cake Lancelot. 'Oh. You ..okay?' Still silence. guy next door walked over to the window and looked down. Cake Lancelot was gone.
----o0o----
Just yonder, Cake Lancelot was struggling to make his way through the vineyard behind guy next door's place. Cake Lancelot had severely hurt his leg during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral penguins suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the ubuntu disk. One by one they latched on to Cake Lancelot. Already weakened from his injury, Cake Lancelot yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of penguins running off with his ubuntu disk.
But then God came down with His clever smile and restored Cake Lancelot's ubuntu disk. Feeling frustrated, God smote the penguins for their injustice. Then He got in His '82 Corolla and whizzed away with the fortitude of 1.2 billion otters running from a bloated pack of beavers. Cake Lancelot jumped with joy when he saw this. His ubuntu disk was safe. It was a good thing, too, because in ten minutes his favorite TV show, commercials, was going to come on (followed immediately by 'When marmots meet gun'). Cake Lancelot was overjoyed. And so, everyone except guy next door and a few weapon of mass destruction-toting puppies lived blissfully happy, forever after.
