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« on: February 17, 2013, 09:22:03 PM »
Your varied vocabulary is nice, but I feel like you use too many long sentences. They make it feel kinda slow, even when it feels more natural to be fast. For example, "She did just that," from the second paragraph really should have been the end of the sentence. Or perhaps, "When he came unwittingly to pick her up for the evening's festivities, she did just that. All he got from her was the vague assertion that 'things weren't working out,' and an abruptly closed door," would be a better choice, as it keeps the level of detail you want, without making it feel like it's dragging on.
EDIT: You have the opposite problem with, "His thoughts were interrupted by the MC." Maybe it's just me, but that sentence really needn't be so brief.
But paragraph eight, "Not Stephen," was pretty perfect.