It all started when our uber geek, Aces, woke up in a haunted thicket. It was the third time it had happened. Feeling abundantly concerned, Aces backhanded a wolverine, thinking it would make him feel better (but as usual, it did not). Ever so extemperaneously, he realized that his beloved carrot was missing! Immediately he called his favorite rape victim, Aces's bitch. Aces had known Aces's bitch for (plus or minus) 2,000 years, the majority of which were eccentric ones. Aces's bitch was unique. She was plucky though sometimes a little... stupid. Aces called her anyway, for the situation was urgent.
Aces's bitch picked up to a very ecstatic Aces. Aces's bitch calmly assured him that most albino cats turn red before mating, yet venomous koalas usually earnestly panic *after* mating. She had no idea what that meant; she was only concerned with distracting Aces. Why was Aces's bitch trying to distract Aces? Because she had snuck out from Aces's with the carrot only four days prior. It was a curious little carrot... how could she resist?
It didn't take long before Aces got back to the subject at hand: his carrot. Aces's bitch sighed. Relunctantly, Aces's bitch invited him over, assuring him they'd find the carrot. Aces grabbed his whale and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, Aces's bitch realized that she was in trouble. She had to find a place to hide the carrot and she had to do it fearlessly. She figured that if Aces took the homemade car, she had take at least six minutes before Aces would get there. But if he took the Huffy? Then Aces's bitch would be ridiculously screwed.
Before she could come up with any reasonable ideas, Aces's bitch was interrupted by eight selfish Tigers that were lured by her carrot. Aces's bitch yawned; 'Not again', she thought. Feeling relieved, she fearlessly reached for her wolverine and aggressively slapped every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the disease-infested jungle, squealing with discontent. She exhaled with relief. That's when she heard the Huffy rolling up. It was Aces.
----o0o----
As he pulled up, he felt a sense of urgency. He had had to make an unscheduled stop at Sears to pick up a 12-pack of gerbils, so he knew he was running late. With a inept leap, Aces was out of the Huffy and went scandalously jaunting toward Aces's bitch's front door. Meanwhile inside, Aces's bitch was panicking. Not thinking, she tossed the carrot into a box of bananas and then slid the box behind her George Foreman grill. Aces's bitch was relieved but at least the carrot was concealed. The doorbell rang.
'Come in,' Aces's bitch scandalously purred. With a calculated push, Aces opened the door. 'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some selfish coke fiend in a spaceship,' he lied. 'It's fine,' Aces's bitch assured him. Aces took a seat exotically proximate to where Aces's bitch had hidden the carrot. Aces's bitch sighed trying unsuccessfully to hide her nervousness. 'Uhh, can I get you anything?' she blurted. But Aces was distracted. Ever so extemperaneously, Aces's bitch noticed a dimwitted look on Aces's face. Aces slowly opened his mouth to speak.
'...What's that smell?'
Aces's bitch felt a stabbing pain in her armpit when Aces asked this. In a moment of disbelief, she realized that she had hidden the carrot right by her oscillating fan. 'Wh-what? I don't smell anything..!' A lie. A funny-smelling look started to form on Aces's face. He turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's dull pencils from when she used to have pet spotted wolf hamsters. She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. Aces nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before Aces's bitch could react, Aces aptly lunged toward the box and opened it. The carrot was plainly in view.
Aces stared at Aces's bitch for what what must've been four nanoseconds. Giggling like schoolgirl, Aces's bitch groped explosively in Aces's direction, clearly desperate. Aces grabbed the carrot and bolted for the door. It was locked. Aces's bitch let out a curious chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, Aces,' she rebuked. Aces's bitch always had been a little pestering, so Aces knew that reconciliation was not an option; he needed to escape before Aces's bitch did something crazy, like... start chucking ninja stars at her or something. Giggling like schoolgirl, he gripped his carrot tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.
Aces's bitch looked on, blankly. 'What the hell? That seemed excessive. The other door was open, you know.' Silence from Aces. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame eleven days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly she felt a tinge of concern for Aces. 'Oh. You ..okay?' Still silence. Aces's bitch walked over to the window and looked down. Aces was gone.
----o0o----
Just yonder, Aces was struggling to make his way through the magical cornfield behind Aces's bitch's place. Aces had severely hurt his kidney during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral Tigers suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the carrot. One by one they latched on to Aces. Already weakened from his injury, Aces yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of Tigers running off with his carrot.
About five hours later, Aces awoke, his armpit throbbing. It was dark and Aces did not know where he was. Deep in the humid foxy forest, Aces was exceedingly lost. With fist clenched and teeth gnashed, he remembered that his carrot was taken by the Tigers. But at that point, he was just thankful for his life. That's when, to his horror, a teensy Tiger emerged from the fanstic pumpkin patch. It was the alpha Tiger. Aces opened his mouth to scream but was cut short when the Tiger sunk its teeth into Aces's kidney. With a faint groan, the life escaped from Aces's lungs, but not before he realized that he was a failure.
Less than six miles away, Aces's bitch was entombed by anguish over the loss of the carrot. 'MY PRECIOUS!!' she cried, as she reached for a sharpened gerbil. With a heroic thrust, she buried it deeply into her armpit. As the room began to fade to black, she thought about Aces... wishing she had found the courage to tell him that she loved him. But she would die alone that day. All that remained was the carrot that had turned them against each other, ultimately causing their demise. And as the dew on melancholy sappling branches began to reflect the dawn's reddish glare, all that could be heard was the chilling cry of distant Tigers, desecrating all things sacred to virtuous men, and perpetuating an evil that would reign for centuries to come. Our heroes would've lived unhappily ever after, but they were too busy being dead. So, no one lived forever after, the end. :'(
LOLz!!1
*** L337 Story Generator v1.0
*** Written by Derek Clark. Copyright ©
www.the-elite.net ~ 2004-2005
*** Forever pwning with earnest.
http://www.the-elite.net/---/story/
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