Yea that was a lot but whatever that's how I'm feeling, I want to talk to my friends about all this but instead I just say "I don't feel good" or whatever a few times a year when someone does notice I'm down.
but yea today it made me sad that a girl looked at me and smiled, and that ruined the rest of my day.
What died in me so many years ago? Why is my life like this? What did I do wrong to deserve this deranged, dysfunctional, defective, genius, handicapped, brilliant, idiotic brain?
Wow perfect example I started out searching for help and I'm ending this being rhetorical.
You're judging yourself too harshly - which is exactly what a soul sucking society like the one we live in today will do to a person. I'm no role model by any means but I've always felt that life is better lived free. Be true to yourself and to God in everything you do.... Pray for forgiveness and help when you need it, there is no shame in that - for we all have sinned, no man or woman is perfect. All we can do is try our best to make the world a better place... not only for ourselves and the ones around us but for our future generations as well!
It took me a long time to realize there are people out there there for everyone, once I did it honestly made me not even worry so much about making friends, I know eventually I'll meet people I want to talk to for the rest of my life.
I for one, appreciated your positivity to the topic, it was genuinely good advice

^That on the other hand...is just absolutely normal
there was an event in my past that I believe is to blame, it's just all so ridiculous.
If you ever need someone to talk to just pm me here or hit me up on steam, been through a lot more bullstuff than the average person too.