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Off Topic / Ive been diagnosed with clinical depression
« on: May 03, 2018, 04:32:25 PM »
I havent told anyone but I guess this is some "anonymous" board where I can just vent a little, hence why I decided to post this. Talking about it apparently helps but I just cant so ill try here and delude myself someone cares here.
Ive been going to a few psychiatrist sessions that I paid for myself because I dont want my mother to be worried because it loving breaks me to see her in pain. I probably spend 300+ euros already on sessions and tests and whatever. A few days ago I received the news that my diagnosis came and that I have clinical depression. Apperently for 7 years already, its just that im so used to it. Which makes sense because I went to the same psychiatrist 7 years ago because of a personal traume that I dont want to talk about. I got prescribed a forgetton of medication but I refuse to take these because I dont want some medicine induced pseudo-happines. I want to feel genuinly happy. I want someone to appreciate me as who I truly am. But how can anyone love me if I dont even love myself? Im disgusted by myself.
Lately ive been feeling incredible tired. Lack of appetite, insomnia, loss of interest or pleasure in activities I used to enjoy, etc...
I just cant take it anymore tbh. School is wearing me down, social pressures from my family, teachers and friends is wearing me down. I am wearing myself down. I am filled with sorrow but the tears just wont come. I wanted to go to uni next year but im completely worn down and sick of school in general. I havent felt genuine happiness in years. All my anxieties and concerns are building up inside but ive got nobody to vent to and im on the verge of completely breaking down.
My loving life plan is overdosing on cocain on my 21st birthday, how pathetic is that? I dont even want to achieve anything anymore, I just want to die in what maybe is my last resort for euphoria.
I have tried everything. Isolate myself from social interactions ended up in loneliness. Forcing myself to be sociable ended up in anxiety attacks. Telling myself that im happy to the point I believed it myself was just fake happiness and completely delusional and crying it out every couple of night was just extremely painfull.
Ive been called names and accepted those as how I am because accepting it stopped those names from hurting me. As a result im now insecure, anxious, depressed. Im a literal lowlife nobody now. Im good at absolutely nothing. I have no remarkable skills. The only thing im good at is doing what people ask me to do because im too afraid to say no.
I lost the conditions for my own happiness I didnt even knew I had and I dont even feel like searching for it anymore. I didnt ask to be put into this stuffty game called life and now you expect me to work out what the hell im supposed to do with it. I dont know what to do anymore.
I apologise in advance for bad typing/english and incoherent text structure. Its late and im distressed. And frankly I dont care right now. Thanks for listening, or reading. I needed to get that out.
Ive been going to a few psychiatrist sessions that I paid for myself because I dont want my mother to be worried because it loving breaks me to see her in pain. I probably spend 300+ euros already on sessions and tests and whatever. A few days ago I received the news that my diagnosis came and that I have clinical depression. Apperently for 7 years already, its just that im so used to it. Which makes sense because I went to the same psychiatrist 7 years ago because of a personal traume that I dont want to talk about. I got prescribed a forgetton of medication but I refuse to take these because I dont want some medicine induced pseudo-happines. I want to feel genuinly happy. I want someone to appreciate me as who I truly am. But how can anyone love me if I dont even love myself? Im disgusted by myself.
Lately ive been feeling incredible tired. Lack of appetite, insomnia, loss of interest or pleasure in activities I used to enjoy, etc...
I just cant take it anymore tbh. School is wearing me down, social pressures from my family, teachers and friends is wearing me down. I am wearing myself down. I am filled with sorrow but the tears just wont come. I wanted to go to uni next year but im completely worn down and sick of school in general. I havent felt genuine happiness in years. All my anxieties and concerns are building up inside but ive got nobody to vent to and im on the verge of completely breaking down.
My loving life plan is overdosing on cocain on my 21st birthday, how pathetic is that? I dont even want to achieve anything anymore, I just want to die in what maybe is my last resort for euphoria.
I have tried everything. Isolate myself from social interactions ended up in loneliness. Forcing myself to be sociable ended up in anxiety attacks. Telling myself that im happy to the point I believed it myself was just fake happiness and completely delusional and crying it out every couple of night was just extremely painfull.
Ive been called names and accepted those as how I am because accepting it stopped those names from hurting me. As a result im now insecure, anxious, depressed. Im a literal lowlife nobody now. Im good at absolutely nothing. I have no remarkable skills. The only thing im good at is doing what people ask me to do because im too afraid to say no.
I lost the conditions for my own happiness I didnt even knew I had and I dont even feel like searching for it anymore. I didnt ask to be put into this stuffty game called life and now you expect me to work out what the hell im supposed to do with it. I dont know what to do anymore.
I apologise in advance for bad typing/english and incoherent text structure. Its late and im distressed. And frankly I dont care right now. Thanks for listening, or reading. I needed to get that out.
