Author Topic: Left4Dead Re-Write - The Sacrifice - The Tank is your friend! (Read 2633 times)

Nom|Aplem|Nom · October 13, 2011, 08:45:29 PM

I made a short story from the Tanks point of view in Left4Dead on "The Sacrifice" campaign.
Enjoy.

Edit:
I just used the wrong "site" I meant to write "sight"

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Trifax · October 13, 2011, 08:50:13 PM

This isn't exactly stunning writing. It doesn't reveal any spectacular details about the creation of the Tank, although it provides a basic backstory, which is mediocre at best. There isn't any interesting diction, and the phrasing of some sentences is awkward.

I think you need to work on making the story engaging. Make it flow, make it a seamless part of the story. And don't be so straight forward, you can afford to leave some details implied. I guarantee the reader will pick up on what you're trying to say, but it's more interesting to read if there's some things the reader have to figure out for themselves.

I'm in Honors AP English 11. Sorry if this isn't what you wanted to hear, but it's true. Hopefully you get more feedback from others here who might be even more experienced and knowledgeable then I am. I've heard Taboo is an English teacher.

Oh, and lol at The Thank is your friend. Who's the Thank?

Nom|Aplem|Nom · October 13, 2011, 08:57:23 PM

Quote from: Trifax on October 13, 2011, 08:50:13 PM

This isn't exactly stunning writing. It doesn't reveal any spectacular details about the creation of the Tank, although it provides a basic backstory, which is mediocre at best. There isn't any interesting diction, and the phrasing of some sentences is awkward.

I think you need to work on making the story engaging. Make it flow, make it a seamless part of the story. And don't be so straight forward, you can afford to leave some details implied. I guarantee the reader will pick up on what you're trying to say, but it's more interesting to read if there's some things the reader have to figure out for themselves.

I'm in Honors AP English 11. Sorry if this isn't what you wanted to hear, but it's true. Hopefully you get more feedback from others here who might be even more experienced and knowledgeable then I am. I've heard Taboo is an English teacher.

Oh, and lol at The Thank is your friend. Who's the Thank?

The fact that it is supposed to be a short story basic re-write and not all to detailed makes it the way it is. I am in the Art Institute of Pittsburgh so I am past your level and I really didn't care about grammar or phrasing at the time. Sorry if this isn't what you wanted to hear, but it's true.

Orion · October 13, 2011, 09:02:01 PM

also belongs in creativity

Hiiro326 · October 13, 2011, 09:03:08 PM

Quote from: Nom|Aplem|Nom on October 13, 2011, 08:57:23 PM

The fact that it is supposed to be a short story basic re-write and not all to detailed makes it the way it is. I am in the Art Institute of Pittsburgh so I am past your level and I really didn't care about grammar or phrasing at the time. Sorry if this isn't what you wanted to hear, but it's true.

LOL SO I AM PAST YOUR LEVEL. OH GOD LOL. I stuff MYSELF LITERALLY.

PAST YOUR LEVEL BUT DOESN'T CARE ABOUT GRAMMAR OR PHRASING. YOU'RE A loving MORON AHAHAAHAH.

Trifax · October 13, 2011, 09:03:20 PM

Quote from: Nom|Aplem|Nom on October 13, 2011, 08:57:23 PM

The fact that it is supposed to be a short story basic re-write and not all to detailed makes it the way it is. I am in the Art Institute of Pittsburgh so I am past your level and I really didn't care about grammar or phrasing at the time. Sorry if this isn't what you wanted to hear, but it's true.

What a defensive, douche-bag response. I understand now that you just posted this here to get loads of praise for how wonderful it is. I'm sorry to say it's not that wonderful, precisely because of the phrasing and a number of other things. I was under the impression that I had given you some constructive feedback, and instead you turn the stuff around on me like I was attacking you.

I thought you were cool, but no, it seems like you're just another attention-whoring friend that wants to hear only sugar-coated compliments about his mediocre re-write.

Quote from: Nom|Aplem|Nom on October 13, 2011, 08:57:23 PM

I am in the Art Institute of Pittsburgh so I am past your level and I really didn't care about grammar or phrasing at the time.

Is this supposed to impress me or something? That means jack-stuff to me. Obviously that art institute isn't teaching you good writing skills. And despite you're apparent "elite status" at some school in Pittsburgh, it's hilarious that you say you don't care about grammar or phrasing, because that's very very important and a solid knowledge and good application of varied diction and grammar skills can allow you more opportunity to be more creative with writing. As in you have less time to spend on fixing grammar and re-wording, so you can expand your writing in other areas.

Fireboy · October 13, 2011, 09:04:53 PM

This isn't the best, but it's a good start.

Nom|Aplem|Nom · October 13, 2011, 09:19:43 PM

Quote from: Trifax on October 13, 2011, 09:03:20 PM

-snip-

I see, so being at an institute means they teach you writing. I understand, because that is not the program I am in sir.
Lets set some things straight -
#1 - I do care about grammar and in case you couldn't read, I said "at that time" which meant I didn't care at that time. Not that I never did care.
#2 - I did not post this for "praise" more of a simple, look what I did in my spare time. It's not like I am the only one who did that.
#3 - I never said I was "Elite Status" because I am past High School. I said that I have been where you are now and know what I am doing.

Sorry Trifax but to me, it looks like you are pulling this stuff.

Trifax · October 13, 2011, 09:28:26 PM

Quote from: Nom|Aplem|Nom on October 13, 2011, 09:19:43 PM

I see, so being at an institute means they teach you writing. I see, because that is not the program I am in sir. Then why did you bother bringing that up? I hope you can understand how that comes off as a huge attempt to one-up my knowledge, but it really doesn't prove anything at all.
Lets set some things straight -
#1 - I do care about grammar and in case you couldn't read, I said "at that time" which meant I didn't care at that time. Not that I never did care. I missed where you said "at that time", but either way, I'm glad you do care about grammar. Even though grammatical errors weren't a problem for this piece, I was talking more about your diction.
#2 - I did not post this for "praise" more of a simple, look what I did in my spare time. It's not like I am the only one who did that. So what kind of reaction were you expecting? If you weren't looking for praise, then what did you want us to say? "cool story bro?" because we can't say that obviously. Your logic makes no sense at this point.
#3 - I never said I was "Elite Status" because I am past High School. I said that I have been where you are now and know what I am doing. The way you worded your response, it came off like being at this Art Institute means that anything i say is invalid, because you're so much smarter than me and have a fancy school in a stuffty city to prove it. I'm glad you know what you're doing, but I must say, you didn't really demonstrate it in your writing here.

Sorry Trifax but to me, it looks like you are pulling this stuff. The only stuff I pulled was some constructive feedback, and I'm sorry you took it the wrong way. Next time I'll be sure to not say anything at all, I just thought you might be interested in a way to make the writing even better, so you would actually have something really great to show to people.

Stocking · October 13, 2011, 09:30:47 PM

Tank should be shot at just for being so ugly.