Hey guys my name is Scott. I'm a reporter for USA Today, writing a report on England. I have gathered all the information I could get on it off of leftist websites on the internet, so I can attempt to force my views on everyone else. I am an edgy yet rebellious youth living in Tallmadge, Ohio and I drive my Toyota Prius over to the Starbucks to use my Apple Macbook PROFESSIONAL, and I am here to explain why England is not equal to my beautiful America, and it's other North American counterparts.
To start off, we beat you in every war we fought in. The war of 1812 for an example, we even went as far as to let you burn our capital. The American Revolution was a lie, George Washington simply hated the land of England and gave it a swift kick in the ass. Err, hang on, my coffee is ready. Let me ready my $8.50 for a single cup of joe.
Speaking of wars, you guys help us steal oil from those tiny Arabian nations. We say that we are policing the area, and asked you to help, but when we wanted to kill Saddam Hussein because he refused to give up Iraq's oil, you pussied out. I can't understand where you're coming from, not wanting to help us get oil when it obviously means more oil for you. You Englanders are all just short, pale, hairless pusillanimous individuals with nothing better to do than whine and drink tea while watching that pansy soccer. Yes, soccer. We claimed football already,
Alright then. Why the hell do you guys have steering wheels on the right side of your car? This has always perplexed my 18 year old mind. It's like someone took all the stupid ideas that man has ever created and gave them to England.
Seriously, more countries drive on the right side of the road than the wrong one. You guys are all, as you say, loving twats. I don't think England has ever even invented anything, except maybe upper lip narcissism. Ignoring the differences in population completely, America has more people who are probably really nice compared to Endland's 1,000.
Also, look at their literacy rate. 97 percent. England has 98 percent. It just shows that America is that much better than England. You guys were the ones who loving invented the language and yet 2% of your population can't use it? We've got a loving melting pot of every which way and we only have 3%, and
we don't even all speak your language.
Have any of you been to England? I haven't, but my cousin lives there. She said this wasn't true, but we all know how much it loving rains and is so loving wet all the time. Not in my beautiful America where it's warm pretty much everywhere.
To further prove my point at how cool America is,
America, forget Yeah. That is all.
Thank you for listening to my whiny little heart and it's desires so I can whine all day about wanting socialism in America and how becoming president is so much loving cooler than dinky little prime minister.
I'm sorry. I had to.
