Author Topic: I started writing a story  (Read 573 times)

I started writing this story with a modern post-nuclear war setting and I would like some constructive criticism. This is my first time doing something like this, so I just need some feedback from you guys. Here we go.

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   The old school on the edge of town was deathly quiet. The teacher was at the front of the room, near the chalkboard, eyes gazing out at the sea of students. The children were in their chairs, completely silent. There was an eerie stillness about the place. A cold breeze blew in from the open window, which was providing a decent amount of light. This was quite fortunate, as today it appeared the fluorescent lights were not working.

   I looked over at one student to find a phone clasped in his hand. I quickly ran over to the teacher. I hoisted her skeleton up and worked her mouth with my hand like a puppet. "Billy, put away that phone this instant!" I mimed in a woman's voice. A nearby explosion rocked the building, and the phone clasped in Billy's skeletal fingers fell on the floor, as did the rest of Billy.
   "Damn artillery," I thought. I stood at the front of the class and announced that I was leaving school for the day. In my head, the voices of the students played, and I heard them moaning about how lucky I was to be leaving early. I grabbed my handgun off of the teacher's desk and walked over to the door, kicking it off of its one rusted hinge on my way out.

   As I walked down the hallway, I laughed heartily at the misfortune of this school. All of the students with the exception of Billy were still frozen in time as they were six months ago, minus flesh. My shoes clicked on the linoleum tiling of the hallway. Ah, these shoes. There's a different kind of Hell you have to go through to get shoes now that the war's come and gone. But at least getting these shoes, a pair of old Nike sneakers, was easier than getting my last pair. I only had to shoot three people to get these, and there was only a small bit of grey matter on the toe. But the grey matter makes it more personal, knowing it was running the body of a man before his head exploded into a visual symphony of scarlet.

   I couldn't resist stopping by the office on my way out. I looked at the gallon jugs of water in the corner and sighed lovingly. Ah, getting those was quite the adventure. But I had business to take care of. I walked into the dean's office to see my good friend Dog. "Eh, you don't look too good today, Dog." I began. "Have you seen yourself recently?" Dog looked up at me, his one good eye frozen in terror. Dog's seat in the dean's chair afforded him a good look at anybody who came in the building. I picked up a jar of alcohol from the desk in front of Dog. I shook the jar, the cloudy yellow dust swirling away to reveal dog's other eye suspended within. "What a waste of precious alcohol this was." I regretfully noted. I took the lid off of the jar and took a long draught, and it made me feel so good. "Let me out of here, you disgusting bastard!" Dog yelled. "Get up and go, you worm." I spat back. Dog looked at me in disgust, before exclaiming "You know very well that you've nailed my feet to the floor and cuffed my hands to this chair. Let me go!" I laughed before saying goodbye to Dog. I threw him a gallon of water from the corner and some rotten beef I found in the remains of a refridgerator in the old teacher's lounge.
   
     I walked out the front door into the bright, beautiful sunlight, only partly obscured today by a cloud of ash.
« Last Edit: June 23, 2012, 03:14:28 AM by rockslide26 »

Billy is one messed up dude. There needs to be somebody to even out the mood.

Needs comic releaf

This is great. I wish it could be a scene in a movie someday.

i was wondering what was going on until i realized he was playing it out in his head

This is great. I wish it could be a scene in a movie someday.
Thanks!

Billy is one messed up dude. There needs to be somebody to even out the mood.
I'm trying to figure that out at the moment, that's the one thing that has me stuck.

Extremely good writing skills. The storyline is wicked (as in loving freaky)

The whole short story gives a somewhat "chiller" feel to it

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"You know very well that you've nailed my feet to the floor and cuffed my hands to this chair. Let me go!"
I feel like this was sort of forced. If you want to explain Dog's restraints, do it out of dialogue.

I feel like this was sort of forced. If you want to explain Dog's restraints, do it out of dialogue.
Will do, that dialogue is rather awkward.

My thought was that if it was a movie you'd be able to see those details, so the dialogue could be altered for that part

shut up I know nobody will ever make a movie out of this :(

My thought was that if it was a movie you'd be able to see those details, so the dialogue could be altered for that part

shut up I know nobody will ever make a movie out of this :(
I for one would also like to see this in a movie. But it likely wouldn't be. The idea of a human keeping another human as a pet and naming him "Dog" probably wouldn't go over well with filmmakers. I wrote this with my ideal movie in mind, but it will need a lot of revision either way.

It probably wouldn't go well with filmmakers because they'd think it wouldn't go well with the audience...
yes it's bad and sad. badsad. there's your title.