Alright, KillerCop. I like to think that I'm becoming fairly good at writing stories, so I'm going to try and help you improve this. Take my advice with a pinch of salt, but do try and consider what I've said and come to your own conclusions.
Firstly, I don't mean to be rude, but the choices of music did not fit the scene at all. I imagined the entire sequence could have been done much better either in completely silence, or with a very low, creepy drone with the occasional synthetic stinger.
One of the big problems in reading this is the way you've done player dialogue, and the structure in general. Obviously, RPG dialogue is usually branched, and so we have to cover multiple paths. A good way to showcase how path dialogue rolls,
without proper flowchart tools, could be like this:
(BEGIN)
Character 1: Hello!
Player:
-Hi! (BRANCH ONE)
-Hello! (BRANCH TWO)
-richard! (EXIT) <bAttackPlayer = 1>
(BRANCH ONE)
Character 1: Cool!
Character 2: Cool!
Player:
-Cool! <iMana += 10>
Character 1: Yay!
As you can see, the information is concise. I've made it clear where variables change (that might trigger certain activities or increase stats or grant items etc). You can also figure out all the ways the dialogue is going to flow.
Getting back to specifically what you wrote, not writing down your player's options makes it difficult to get a sense of your player character. You need to give us an idea of what the PC talks like. That makes it more interesting for the reader, since they can identify with a character when they can understand elements of their personality (through the way they speak).
Sable's introduction is far too sudden. Characters who just "appear" are almost always going to either be hated, ignored or people will automatically assume they are supposed to play the role of the walking spoiler; aka, that this character will be involved with a plot twist. You could have introduced Sable a lot more subtly by adding very brief and short interrupts from the character right from the very start. This could have also helped you add some tension, as suddenly it seems like Sable has an emergency that only Alex can deal with.
I have to unfortunately admit that mp has a point, as far as the overarching story is concerned. It's very generic, and there is some painful dialogue inside (just want to reiterate that I'm not here to insult you, trying to genuinely help). I won't break it all down, but I will pull some choice examples:
...The...underweb? ...We don't discuss it much anymore, but I'll tell you how it was made, and why it's so infamous.
I don't even want to imagine how the player character knew to ask about the underweb right from the very start, or why they'd immediately demand information (normally people need to carefully manipulate their trust before they ask questions on a sensitive topic).
It seems slightly weird that he says they don't discuss it much any more, even thought it becomes the biggest plot point, and Alex is about to spout exposition about the underweb. I think this line could have been written better.
Alex: Several years ago, a hacker of great intelligence hacked into the internet, and stole information from several top sites, banks, and other unknown places.
Alex: The hacker eventually partitioned the internet into another part, which he called...the Undernet.
Alex: The Undernet, back then, was a horrifying place. Terrifying images, viruses downloading onto your computer in seconds, and the home of several black markets.
"Hacked into the Internet" is quite a silly phrase. It's impossible to "hack into the Internet". It's possible to hack into specific servers, but the Internet is not an entity; it is a term to define a collection of servers and information. Also, saying that information was stolen from
several top sites only makes it seem less likely that the hacker could actually pull off an entire network shutdown of every server connected around the world.
You may want to research partitioning, because I don't think it works in the way you want it to.
Furthermore, "terrifying images" (4chan), "viruses downloading onto your computer" (the internet in general, read up on drive-by-downloads) and "several black markets" (the deep web, and even some normal-access websites) are all part of daily Internet life. You need to find something more terrifying if you want to make it seem like the underweb was a horrible place to be.
Alex: The software would link into my crew, causing them to become corrupt and turn against me. The antiviruses and tools they used would become dangerous, and I had to run away as to not experience my own demise.
Are these people robots? Cyborgs with chips? How does the underweb interface with human/organic life. We need an explanation.
Alex: That's not what I want to hear.
Alex: Say that again?
Alex: I'm sorry, I think you misspoke.
These lines come off as redundant after the first one. Pick one, otherwise the player will get frustrated and quit.
There's work to do, but it's not the worst thing I've read. You should give it another go, because you might actually get really good at story writing with some practice.
