I'm a writer, so please excuse me if I'm very harsh. Know it's because I want to help you become a better writer in the long-run.
His wand glimmered in the night sky, shining a tremendous glow of blood red. The powers he possessed were beyond arcane, his mastery of sorcery and swordplay apt in his situation.
The intro was...boring. It felt really generic. Instead of setting the atmosphere, you tried to throw us directly into the action; unfortunately, that doesn't give the audience a good impression.
I always start written stories by describing the location in the most detail with the least amount of words. It takes a lot of practice, but you should try it; I want you to describe the room you're in, and do it in under a 10 word sentence. The better you get, the more that sentence will be able to actually let the audience emulate the feeling of the environment around them.
Example: "Shivering cold winds roared through the light-less, lifeless forest."
Also, I feel the use of "arcane" is incorrect to a degree; there's a word that's probably more fitting. Arcane means that it's understood by few. "Beyond arcane" just bugs me. I'd also refrain from using "apt in this situation", and considering using something like "would become crucial within moments". It creates a bit of tension as the reader wonders why he might need those skills.
“Face me, Hagen.”
On the first line, I always love to give a description of the character's voice. It gives the audience a great idea of what the character is like through their verbal presentation, if you understand what I mean. Something like 'Snarling like a wild hog, his heavy words edged their way out, "Face me, Hagen."' might work better for you, although personally I think you should rewrite it to something that sounds a lot better and fits the character.
He held his sheath tight, expecting an attack at any point in time.
“Face me, coward!”
Better. The abrupt absence of the voice description works, since we can already establish what he sounds like, so we can begin to imagine how he emotionally feels and thus how he would say this line.
You might want to throw in a little bit of description of the character, followed by "He held his sheath tight...". I would even describe the sheath a bit too. You need to paint the scene for the audience, because otherwise they will unfortunately switch off.
Hagen reached for his radio, this boy was beyond his strength, and if he wanted to take him out, he’d need assistance.
I do love that you were grammatically correct with the commas, but in longer sentences they can cause readers to switch off as they become distracting, and it sounds like the narrator is the kid from Malcolm in the Middle. Either try break your sentences up a bit more, or reword it so there's less pausing/commas.
The "this boy was beyond his strength" was very awkward. I would have used a full stop and started that as a new sentence. I'd also consider changing the word "boy" to be more descriptive. You may even throw in a line saying how Hagen really doesn't want to call for assistance, but he has no choice.
The more you throw in character personality descriptions (while keeping them subtle), the better. We learn more about the character, and we can relate better to them. Remember to make sure your characters are 3D and complex.
“Katy, you there?”
The static of the radio filled the room.
We need more atmosphere here. Draw it out. Make the audience get really freaked out by how tense and scary the situation is. What does the static
feel like?
“Radio help won’t get you anywhere.”
Not scary enough. Fill it with a bit of pathos (emotions). You should make the audience afraid of this guy. His dialogue should feel like insects crawling up my skin.
If this guy is evil, make him a loving nightmare. There's different types of evil; choose one, and then make him a total badass.
The boy lifted his wand, and with a brief chant, the room was abundant with fire.
More description, please. Maybe add a few lines from the chant? Also, when the room goes on fire, MAKE IT BURN. You need to make this exciting. There needs to be energy in the writing.
"Within an instant, light burst into the room, followed by the all too well known smell...the heat rose and destruction ravaged. The room began to burn..."
It's a stuffty example, but hopefully you get the point; make your writing expressive of the state of the story. Also, I didn't really do it, but when there's more energy, you should rely less on commas and try to make the writing feel "fast-paced".
“I told you, face me.”
I'd argue that you could separate this into two sentences. It would feel more dramatic like that.
Hagen shivered, his fate was inevitable; he would either be impaled by the boy’s sword, or burned by the flames. But as he stood prone, the ground shook, and the desk he was hiding behind exploded.
Aside from expansion on the detail, this is not bad. Let's feel that explosion. Let's feel Helgan's fear of death. I should have my heart racing at this point.
“There you are, rusty son of a bitch.”
The boy unraveled his sword, and was about to strike, when suddenly Katy appeared out of nowhere, and a booming noise filled the room.
I'm guessing the dialogue is Katy? The next line should be specifically about Katy, so we link the action with her. That "unravelled his sword" bit should be before Katy arrives. It would also be more dramatic if he's JUST about to swing the sword for the final blow, when Katy appears and saves the day.
The boy was now bleeding out of his chest, still standing and apparently alive as ever. He looked more fierce than he had before, but instead of attacking Hagen, he turned straight to Katy. She held up her gun, pointing it at the boy.
More description. Maybe even try and reveal a bit of the character's motivations at this point, showing that the boy has decided to forgo his original motivation to instead deal with the near, more dangerous threat.
“You don’t know the mistake you’re making.” Katy exclaimed.
All parts of this were very generic. You should keep her line to about 4 or less words, and then allow your description to carry the reader's imagination.
Don't use "exclaimed". There are fair better ways to show a character has said something with gusto.
The boy kneeled, losing his strength. Katy held her hands up and a green light faded above her. The boy was now crying, his sadness at most was a cough and a hand held up. Katy felt no sympathy for him whatsoever, she walked over to him and kicked him off of his knees. He gave out a soft bundle of tears, right as Katy shot him dead.
For the final time, more description. Also, SHOW DON'T TELL. Do not tell us that Katy feels no sympathy. Show us that Katy doesn't care through her next few actions. Use dialogue if you really must, but avoid exposition. I did like ending on the shot fired; it's fairly dramatic to end abruptly.
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As far as the overarching story, I do have one problem: What does it tell us?
Not much.
A Prologue should contain a very important piece of information about the setting, the characters or the story's problem (the conflict the characters have to resolve) that the audience will need to try and decode over the course of the story. A good prologue has a hidden piece of information that will only become useful to the audience (and the main character) in the 3rd Act.
Meaningless action like this doesn't really establish much, except for some general character personality traits which I assume will be learnt through the main story anyway. I feel you should change the prologue so that it contains a very important piece of information, and so that it also gives us a very brief overview of the world we're in. It felt like you rushed us into this environment, without telling me where the characters are. I was actually very confused when I found out he was in some kind of room; I thought they were in a forest at first.
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Overall, absolutely not the worst piece I've looked at, but you do have plenty of places to improve, which is half the fun. That said, you did pretty good, OP :) Keep working on it; I think you have a talent for writing, and you just need some refinement.
