Alright, so I finally installed Windows 10.
First time I did it months ago, no browser worked at all, even though other applications used the internet just fine. This time, I had it delete all my apps and settings, and I installed Chrome, and Chrome works beautifully, but Edge, Store, Mail, and any internet-using preinstalled app does not work.
That is, UNLESS I go to Task Manager > Services > Open Services > Windows Firewall > Stop. Thus, turning off the firewall (only in this manner will it work) enables me to use Edge and other apps.
Also worthy to note is that Firewall believes I'm on a public network. I cannot figure out how to change it to a private network. That and Network and Sharing Center says I'm not connected to a network, even though I am.
Anyone have any suggestions?