Overclocked- Book

[carolcat]

  Ok, so I want to try my hand at writing a book. Constructive criticism welcome.

 The room was very dark. Almost too dark for her liking. She had never liked these missions, too dark. Too dangerous. Anything could come out at any moment.
 Magnus stopped walking and looked around, trying to see. Her eyes had not yet adjusted to the darkness and the strain was giving her a headache.
  *Crack*
 Magnus whipped around, trying her best to locate the source of the sound. Without her suit, it was very difficult...
  *Crunch*
 Now! Magnus pulled out her weapon and began shooting in an upward arc, following the disturbance of air. Above, around... She was running out of ammo. 5, 4, 3...
 Magnus was suddenly knocked over by an incredible force, knocking the breath out of her. She instinctively rolled to get free. The creature sounded puzzle, and Magnus took her chance. She charged up one shot... and fired it.
 The area around the energy bolt was illuminated and the creature was easily seen for a brief moment. It was large and should've killed Magnus. The beast gave a loud screech and fell over, dead.
 Then came the bright lights. The arena was now clearly seen for a few moments. Then it vanished as if it was never there. Same with the "dead creature". They all shimmered and then vanished. Magnus forgot these events, wanting to move on.
 "Well done, Magnus."
 Magnus looked up at an observatory room. It was a large window, but very thick. Magnus already knew that it was virtually unbreakable, she had been slammed into it before. It hurt badly. Inside the room were five people, four of them sitting. The only one standing was focused on Magnus, his arms folded and he was maintaining a static pose. He was wearing a commander's uniform, normal for a ship captain in the Zero Hour fleet. His name was Pryce and he was the commander of the ZHR:E-SERENITY-6725.
 "You can come out now," he said. His voice was clearly hear in the training room, thanks to speakers cleverly hidden in the room.
 Magnus looked down and watched a neatly hidden door reveal itself and open. Magnus took one last glance up and walked out.
                                                               •◘•
 Magnus was now standing in command, watching the view screen and not paying much attention to anything else. She had finished her tasks and didn't have much else to do but walk around, patrol, or sleep. Magnus heard the door open behind her and turned around to see her friend Vectra walking towards her.
 "So I heard you passed the test," she said quietly, not looking at Magnus.
 Magnus looked at her. Vectra was much higher rank than her and was much older. She was also her commanding officer. "It's not really a test. It was just training," Magnus replied, shrugging. She looked back at the view screen.
 "You don't like the dark rooms."
 Magnus blinked and was quiet for a moment. "Well... it's just so much of a strain for me to adjust..." Her voice trailed off as Vectra motioned for silence.
 "Follow me," she said, though it was more than likely and order.
 Magnus followed Vectra to the Science lab on Tier Seven, where she received a small surprise.
 "This," Vectra said, gesturing to an on-screen display of some sort of armor, "Is the KES."
 Magnus looked at it, admiring the complexity of the suit. "What does it do?" she asked.
 Vectra turned to face Magnus. "Kkryonitte Enhancement Suit," she said. "It is based off of the newly discovered mineral, Kkryonitte, because of it's high energy value."
 Magnus blinked and stared at the KES. It was incredible... Then she wondered what this Kkryonitte was. Reflecting on her past, Magnus took a guess. "Kkryonitte is the stuff formed fron the Void, right?"
 Vectra nodded. "Yes. We picked up a few traces of Kkryonitte on you when we recovered you after the crash. It's source is on Zaa Prime," Vectra replied.
 Magnus shuddered at the memory. She didn't want to remember it. "Zaa Prime is in the Zaa system, right?" she asked, wanting to move on.
 Again, Vectra nodded. "In the Aza Galaxy."
 "We're already in that galaxy."
 "But not the system. We're in Zeta-1, remember? Terren."
 Magnus turned to face Vectra. "Then if the Void occured here, then how'd Kkryonitte get to Zaa Prime?" 
 Vectra shook her head and shrugged, turning back to the screen. "We don't know. But take the suit."
 Magnus sighed. She didn't like being the prototype tester, but she was still a low-rank officer. At least it was interesting. Magnus looked back at the screen and nodded. "Allright," she finally agreed.
 "Good."

  Moar coming tomorrow, maybe. Depends on what you guys think of this.

[Ad Bot]

[Dippindots]

Magnus is a boy name olollol

Also; this is better than most of the regurgitated crap on these forums. At least the writing is. Dunno about the story.

[Kobewarrior]

Use some semi-colons boy.

[Sarge]

inb4yourwritingsucks/doesnotcomparetosue

[carolcat]

Magnus is a boy name olollol

Also; this is better than most of the regurgitated crap on these forums. At least the writing is. Dunno about the story.

Several people have told me that. I think it can be used for a girl name... I maily chose it because it means "great".

 Thanks for the compliment :)

Use some semi-colons boy.

Girl, btw.

[Dippindots]

What is so great about Sue's writing Sarge?

[carolcat]

...? Anyways, writing next section...

  Chapter Two: Sudden Strike

 Magnus was now standing in the research lab with the KES on. It was mostly dark red, but had some dark gray on it as well. The gray began from the Kkryonitte container on the chest and continued to Magnus' wrists, where they joined to for a kind of wristband. Red lines outlined the gray stripes, and the gray areas were elevated to something like extra plating. The elbows and knees had small spikes at the joints, providing a useful melee defense. There was a very small jet pack on the back of the KES, most likely for movement assistance. The helmet had a green visor and three spikes at the top, the center one being the longest. The other two spikes were set on the side of the helmet, set slightly below the top spike. All three spikes curved back slightly and had lines that led all the way to the visor. Inside of every line was a dimly pulsing trail of Kkryonitte.
 The suit was mostly made of Ynnuia, a light-weight- but durable- metal found only on the moon N.M.T that orbited the planet X.M.T in the Magnese System. Ynnuia also provided protection against several elements, including fire, water, and ice.
 "Do you like it?" Vectra asked.
 Magnus looked at her. Moving was incredibly easy in this suit, most likely from built-in mechanisms to assist movement. "It's... very easy to move..." she replied.
 Vectra smiled. "Yes. It was most difficult for us to work that out," she said. "And don't worry, it's safe to use in space..."
 Magnus was puzzled. She watched Vectra as she left, but Vectra stopped shortly before the door.
 "You're due for a training session with that," she told Magnus.
 Magnus nodded and decided to go to the training facility. It didn't take her long to get there, thanks to the turbo lifts on the ship.
 "Ah, Magnus! I'm guessing you're here for your training?"
 Magnus turned to face the short man that was in front of her. "Yes," she replied.
 The little man nodded. "Good, good," he said and walked into another room.
 Magnus walked towards the door and waited for it to open. It was odd just standing there with, possibly, the most powerful device on the E-Serenity. The door opened shortly thereafter, and Magnus walked inside.
 The room was well lit and appeared to be a simulation of an enemy base. There were several ships docked and crates stacked everywhere. There was a door to her right and a hangar door in front of her, undoubtedly leading into space. There was a control room above and behind her, and Magnus figured that these would control the main door. There was, oddly enough, no one in the control room, so Magnus went to the closest door. Now, how to open it? There was an input panel on the left side of the door, but that most likely required a code. And the wrong code would set off the alarm...
 Magnus opened the panel and saw that it was an alien-style hand scanner. Magnus wanted to put her hand on it and watch the door open, but she figured that that wouldn't work. It was worth a try, anyways...
 Magnus lifted a hand and placed it on the scanner, getting ready for an alarm to sound. Three... two... one...
 She was surprised to see the door swing open. "That's odd," she thought. It seemed as if her suit had some sort of hacking device implemented into it, one of which could open anything. This would be fun.
 Magnus walked through the door and was now in a hallway. It was rather short and in disrepair. That was odd, though, because the hangar was in perfect condition. Whatever came through here didn't make it out.
 As she was walking, Magnus noticed dead alien bodies lining the walls. She wanted to scan them and though in her head, "Scan scan scan scan..." like a child. "Scan scan scan scan..." And that it did. It was a matter of moments before a data screen came up, displaying information on the target.

  -Subject appears to have died from incredible energy exposure. Many scars are also present. Further information moved to logbook.

 Energy, huh? Even more fun. Magnus hoped that her suit could stand up to it; she didn't want to end up like these creatures, whatever they were. Magnus continued walking, keeping an eye out for anything that could attack her.
  *Splash*
 Magnus looked down and saw a pool of mixed liquids, all red. One was a dark red and the other was more of a blood red. Magnus decided to scan this as well.

  -Substance appears to be a mixture of human blood and Kkryonitte. Further information moved to logbook.

 Blood and Kkryonitte. Magnus was already making the connection: Whatever killed these creatures was a being of Kkryonitte.
 And it was after her.

[Kobewarrior]

-snip

Use some semi-colons boy gerwl.