Author Topic: The Story of Brian  (Read 1312 times)

This is what I can make at 2:00 AM, so of course it won't be good, I just felt like posting it because I haven't made a topic in a long time.


The Story of Brian

Flitter…flitter…Brian’s eyes slowly removed itself from it’s dreamy encasing. Brian’s bare legs felt boiling in the covers like Old Spice produced two suns. The clock hated Brian. Brian hated the clock. Oh, how it teased him. It’s 7:00 A.M. Brian, you have five minutes to get ready for school! Brian didn’t care. Click! Snooze has once again conquered the mean clock. Brian had won, again.
   Blink…blink…Brian’s eyes opened suddenly, quickly throwing off the sheets of already messy bed. He was up, all right. This time, Brian cared. He snagged a granola bar and was on his way to school. The bus had already gone, so he took his rusted old Spider Man bike with the demented bike bell he always rang when he passed the Anderson’s house, and for that small decibel of noise, they hated him for that. While Brian was hastily making his way to the school, the alarm clock chuckled silently…

...Eh.
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Flitter…flitter…Brian’s eyes slowly removed itself from it’s dreamy encasing.
Just sounds wrong and it's grammatically incorrect. It would be better as
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Brian's eyes fluttered open, the distant dreamworld he was in fading away as he slipped back into reality.
Other than that it was OK, you need to work on your writing.

I was never really good with grammar, heh.

But I tried to make it more comical. This "story" isn't too descriptive and not too bland (but it goes more to the bland side :P)

The classic late for school cliché.

Needs more seizures and dead people having bowel movements.



Needs more seizures and dead people having bowel movements.
that made me chuckle


Ever read Steven King's, "Under The Dome"?
Strangulation  = post mortem defication.