A story written by a lazy turd that is OP -- Apparently good!

[lolzorz mcgee]

Hello Blocklanders, long time no see.

Alright, so OP is friend a lazy turd and ended up going to summer school for English. By the end of the course, we needed a story done, with a rough draft here and there every now and then in the weeks prior.

Here is what I managed to make.  It was the only story to get 100% credit in the class, and is roughly based on my experiences in Mabinogi.  (A rather lovey game by Devcat.  They make some good stuff.)

So far, I've only gotten positive feedback from it, and I'm glad I managed to do something well.  However, it's not good until the Blocklanders have decided so (you unpleasable richards <3).

So, did it deserve the 100%?

Link for those who tl;dr'd on a short post is here.

[Ad Bot]

[Katadeus]

definitely isn't bad, but I couldn't force myself to read the whole thing. I am spoiled for excellent writing.
I didn't find any issues with it.

[Jerkface]

I'll be honest, it was definitely well done but-

I disliked how you started the reader off with so many characters, each with a different personality (not a bad thing, although I felt that they were under-developed at the very least) gesturing more often than talking.  The gestures were so common place that I got lost at least a few times before I got halfway.

I don't know if you're going into writing or not, so I think it's very good.

[lolzorz mcgee]

Finally, constructive criticism!

But, yes, to address the underdeveloped characters, I was limited to ten pages maximum for this story in particular (what I have takes about nine).  Had I been given more, even fifteen maximum, I definitely would've given the characters some more definition and make them feel less under-cooked.

As for gesturing, I tried keeping all "generic" gestures to Ellie (for good reason -- it's hard to describe sign language accurately, especially if you don't have the time to look up everything the character is saying).  Any actions by other characters, I tried describing fully, but I suppose more show and less tell wouldn't hurt.

But, thanks for pointing it out, Jerkface _Heh.  If I get to revising this story, which I probably will, I'll keep that in mind.

[Jerkface]

Hey, if you're planning to work on it more then yeah, go for it.

If not, I'd suggest you try to write more.  I like talking to writers, as they hold similar interests to me.

...also, a job in writing can have good (Or bad) pay.  If you enjoy doing this, then continue the struggle.

[lolzorz mcgee]

Just gonna BUMP this stuff to get more feedback before revising/lengthening/whatever you want to call it.

C'mon, people, tell me something I can improve on. >:o

[Dezcaban]

Plenty of purple prose. It's cool to make it not bland, but making it overly ornate makes it hard to read. It should flow easily off the tongue.

[LOL :D]

I like it. Good job.

[Wynd_Fox]

Urgh, "a few (suggestive) gestures." The parentheses are completely unnecessary, and detract from ease of reading. And yeah, purple prose is nice, better than beige, anyway, but tone it down a bit.