Okay, buddy. This piece of writing is great. But at the same time, it is not well-written. This is due to the lack of a voice your writing. I have been reading through a bunch of forum posts in the Creativity section involving writing, and your problem is not uncommon. The voice is one of the most crucial parts in writing. The voice is what keeps the reader to want to read more. It creates a flow in the story. In this story, I don't see much of that flow. I am going to be completely honest and say that your first paragraph was almost unreadable. This is due to your enormous amount of detail in every single word. Now, don't get me wrong, detail is essential to writing. However, the placement of those details is more important. If you could place those details in such a way that creates a voice and flow to the writing, then your writing is golden. Readable, well-descriptive, nice work. Overall, be yourself in writing. Do not try to be the fanciest writers out there; do not try and copy their flow of writing, because that flow is very hard to recreate well.
