Main problem I have is how you randomly insert things that don't follow up with the previous sentence(s).
Example:
Some zeppelins flew overhead. I stared at the pagesplanes as they circled the zeppelin.
"Some zeppelins" means there are multiple zeppelins. Then some planes are random included when you describe the zeppelin scene further. When did they get there!? Also, the planes are circling "the zeppelin", so, apparantly, there was only one to begin with?
It's just impossible to imagine most of this stuff.
Poll