It all started when our adventure-loving...adventurer, ENGINEER, woke up in a bush. It was the ninth time it had happened. Feeling exceedingly angered, ENGINEER grabbed a ripened avocado, thinking it would make him feel better (but as usual, it did not). Ever so extemperaneously, he realized that his beloved giant snake was missing! Immediately he called his bed-friend, SCOUT. ENGINEER had known SCOUT for (plus or minus) 2,000 years, the majority of which were striking ones. SCOUT was unique. He was outgoing though sometimes a little... insensitive. ENGINEER called him anyway, for the situation was urgent.
SCOUT picked up to a very glad ENGINEER. SCOUT calmly assured him that most spotted wolf hamsters grimace before mating, yet Indonesian devil cats usually exotically sigh *after* mating. He had no idea what that meant; he was only concerned with distracting ENGINEER. Why was SCOUT trying to distract ENGINEER? Because he had snuck out from ENGINEER's with the giant snake only five days prior. It was a sassy little giant snake... how could he resist?
It didn't take long before ENGINEER got back to the subject at hand: his giant snake. SCOUT sneezed. Relunctantly, SCOUT invited him over, assuring him they'd find the giant snake. ENGINEER grabbed his elephant and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, SCOUT realized that he was in trouble. He had to find a place to hide the giant snake and he had to do it thoughtfully. He figured that if ENGINEER took the entrepreneur fresh, candy-painted 'Lac, he had take at least five minutes before ENGINEER would get there. But if he took the vaginamobile? Then SCOUT would be excessively screwed.
Before he could come up with any reasonable ideas, SCOUT was interrupted by three stupid Chargers that were lured by his giant snake. SCOUT yawned; 'Not again', he thought. Feeling frustrated, he skillfully reached for his dull pencil and skillfully stroked every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the disease-infested jungle, squealing with discontent. He exhaled with relief. That's when he heard the vaginamobile rolling up. It was ENGINEER.
----o0o----
As he pulled up, he felt a sense of urgency. He had had to make an unscheduled stop at Jim's House of Wings to pick up a 12-pack of live hand grenades, so he knew he was running late. With a hasty leap, ENGINEER was out of the vaginamobile and went indiscriminately jaunting toward SCOUT's front door. Meanwhile inside, SCOUT was panicking. Not thinking, he tossed the giant snake into a box of gerbils and then slid the box behind his canoe. SCOUT was concerned but at least the giant snake was concealed. The doorbell rang.
'Come in,' SCOUT sassily purred. With a calculated push, ENGINEER opened the door. 'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some abrasive noble genius in a spaceship,' he lied. 'It's fine,' SCOUT assured him. ENGINEER took a seat about two saucy furlongs from where SCOUT had hidden the giant snake. SCOUT cringed trying unsuccessfully to hide his nervousness. 'Uhh, can I get you anything?' he blurted. But ENGINEER was distracted. Suddenly inspired by the wise teachings of Confuscious, SCOUT noticed a funny-smelling look on ENGINEER's face. ENGINEER slowly opened his mouth to speak.
'...What's that smell?'
SCOUT felt a stabbing pain in his double chin when ENGINEER asked this. In a moment of disbelief, he realized that he had hidden the giant snake right by his oscillating fan. 'Wh-what? I don't smell anything..!' A lie. A stupid look started to form on ENGINEER's face. He turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's dull pencils from when she used to have pet 3-legged wallabies. She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. ENGINEER nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before SCOUT could react, ENGINEER randomly lunged toward the box and opened it. The giant snake was plainly in view.
ENGINEER stared at SCOUT for what what must've been eight nanoseconds. Ever so extemperaneously, SCOUT groped scandalously in ENGINEER's direction, clearly desperate. ENGINEER grabbed the giant snake and bolted for the door. It was locked. SCOUT let out a eccentric chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, ENGINEER,' he rebuked. SCOUT always had been a little funny-smelling, so ENGINEER knew that reconciliation was not an option; he needed to escape before SCOUT did something crazy, like... start chucking gerbils at him or something. Suddenly cheered up by the Hamtaro theme song, he gripped his giant snake tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.
SCOUT looked on, blankly. 'What the hell? That seemed excessive. The other door was open, you know.' Silence from ENGINEER. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame eleven days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly he felt a tinge of concern for ENGINEER. 'Oh. You ..okay?' Still silence. SCOUT walked over to the window and looked down. ENGINEER was gone.
----o0o----
Just yonder, ENGINEER was struggling to make his way through the imaginery desert behind SCOUT's place. ENGINEER had severely hurt his kidney during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral Chargers suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the giant snake. One by one they latched on to ENGINEER. Already weakened from his injury, ENGINEER yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of Chargers running off with his giant snake.
About three hours later, ENGINEER awoke, his ear throbbing. It was dark and ENGINEER did not know where he was. Deep in the inhospitable fanstic pumpkin patch, ENGINEER was scarcely lost. Before anyone could take off their pants, he remembered that his giant snake was taken by the Chargers. But at that point, he was just thankful for his life. That's when, to his horror, a huge Charger emerged from the secret vineyard. It was the alpha Charger. ENGINEER opened his mouth to scream but was cut short when the Charger sunk its teeth into ENGINEER's armpit. With a faint groan, the life escaped from ENGINEER's lungs, but not before he realized that he was a failure.
Less than six miles away, SCOUT was entombed by anguish over the loss of the giant snake. 'MY PRECIOUS!!' he cried, as he reached for a sharpened dangerous oil-soaked rag. With a quick thrust, he buried it deeply into his p-spot. As the room began to fade to black, he thought about ENGINEER... wishing he had found the courage to tell him that he loved him. But he would die alone that day. All that remained was the giant snake that had turned them against each other, ultimately causing their demise. And as the dew on melancholy sappling branches began to reflect the dawn's reddish glare, all that could be heard was the chilling cry of distant Chargers, desecrating all things sacred to virtuous men, and perpetuating an evil that would reign for centuries to come. Our heroes would've lived unhappily ever after, but they were too busy being dead. So, no one lived forever after, the end. :'(
