Near Death - A book I'm writing. (UPDATE AGAIN AGAIN AGAIN AGAIN)

[Funkadelic]

you might want to classify it as a short story, not a book.

[Ad Bot]

[comedy101experiments]

you might want to classify it as a short story, not a book.

A BOOK I'M WRITING, that should imply that it's not done.

[Solid]

it sucks

i love it

[Funkadelic]

there's barely anything more you could add to it. you already have the "oh it was all a dream" ending.

[comedy101experiments]

there's barely anything more you could add to it. you already have the "oh it was all a dream" ending.

That's just the beginning, you silly cactus.

[Trifax]

The Manhattan-sized swarm of Dragons is ridiculous, and the "climbing the tree" was ridiculous. Basically the latest addition to the storyline sucks. Try something else, I'll make some suggestions later.

[comedy101experiments]

The Manhattan-sized swarm of Dragons is ridiculous, and the "climbing the tree" was ridiculous. Basically the latest addition to the storyline sucks. Try something else, I'll make some suggestions later.

Okay.

I can probably whip something up tomorrow, I have nothing better to do except APB (lol)

Bro, where is it?

[fred da kiko]

    I stood deadly still, the crack of thunder piercing the air.  Unknown to me, my parents were lying critically injured in the road and my brother had been murdered by something unseen, but it was probably best for me not to know. no buildup, why should anyone care  Only my sister and I were left relatively unharmed.  I did have a few scrapes that could have easily been fixed by a doctor with some alcohol, and a few bandages, though.  My sister called my name and I snapped back into reality.  I saw my mom lying on the ground, panting, screaming, frozen in shock.  My dad, same thing, but pale from fatigue.
     I recovered enough to open an eye., That's when I noticed my mother screaming in agony, blood running down her face.stop going back to your mother She looked to be in so much pain, suffering.  I glanced to her left.,  My father, significantly more fit was also in a stupor as he was sitting next to a guard rail with an arm severed at the elbow.you aren't moving on with the story
"Mom!? Dad, are you okay?!"  I yelpeddo not use stupid words in a low tone.  
     My sister and I were suddenly knocked off our feet by a nearby explosion that suddenly rang out. our senses foggy and our minds lost, andwe saw debris flying straight towards us.  We sought refuge under a nearby bridge.  I took off in a sprint, and out of my peripheral vision I noticed my sister not too far behind.    
    We felt like we were in sanctuary until its cement walls and concrete ceiling started collapsing behind us as we ran what cement walls and concrete ceiling?.  We ran all the way home, panting and gasping for the sweet feeling of oxygen.
      As we were coming up to the house I realized that we couldn't just leave our parents dying on the road.  We had to go back.,  I understood it meant we would die, but I loved my parents in a way that would be considered peculiar to most individuals.  Through thick and thin, I knew that they were always there for me.;  Getting in trouble and being minimally punished was a common occurrence.
  "Hannah," I called to my sister when this occurred to me.  "We left mom and dad back there!  We mustneed to check if they're okay!"  She replied, "They must've died from the explosion, it's not worth the time."
"They've always been there for us, we need to save their lives, even if it costs us our lives!"
"No, they're dead, face the facts, Mars You named your main character Mars?."
"We have to go, I'm older, so I'm in charge here, that means you listen to me.  What do you plan on doing here alone, anyways?"
She sat still for several moments weighing the situation like a judge contemplating awarding freedom or condemning them to eternity.
"Fine." Came a weak whisper from her parched lips.
   As we approached the place of so much pain and suffering, we were only met with more anguish and defeat, as our parents had moved on to something greater than life itself.  We dug around for a while and gave up when we couldn't find anything of sentimental value to us.
"What the heck happened here, anyways?" Hannah asked me, as if I had an answer.
"I don't know, Hannah.  I don't want to know at this point.  But whatever it was couldn't be natural."
   I suddenly seized up and fell over.  The last thing I remember seeing was the cross on a nearby church, which. It was was bent in half, almost as if it was bowing in an act of redemption.
   But I opened my eyes as the sound of my alarm awoke me.  I was covered in sweat from head to toe, and tears welled up in my eyes.  The whole ordeal never happened and was a reoccurring dream I'd been having for months.  At this point I felt as if I was being enlightened about future events, which scared me more than anything.  What could those events mean?,  Was I just going mad?
"Mars!"  My mother called for me to come downstairs.  "Breakfast is ready!"
     My name was from a god that my Roman ancestors worshiped.  These people were great warriors of their time, and believed these gods controlled all life.no they didn't  My parents must not have liked any names in the baby book.  Surprisingly enough, though, my family has been Christian for centuries, minus my sister, who was caught in the teen drift.what?
     I came downstairs to find a piece of buttered bread on the table.
"Really?  Those 'strong kids' you talk about don't eat bread for breakfast." I complained.  My mother gave me 'the look', and responded with her regular shenanigans, "You should appreciate what you have and not complain about it.  Someone in Africa would die right now for that bread!"  
     I couldn't argue with her because she was completely and utterly right on every point.  I ate the bread.  

     Afterwards, I got up to put on my suit and tie., because today was the day I graduate from high school.  I had lived through four years of the pains and sufferings of 2,000 peoples' lives in this melting pot of emotions.  I hopped into my mother's car which was lent to me for the day.  My mind wandered; I thought about that dream.  I suddenly heard repeated honking and came to only to find myself lost again...
     My senses went foggy, I was fainting, this was natural for me, but before I went down, I felt a jerk and a crash.
     I awoke back in my car, sweating from the heat of the electricity from the power line I had hit,. I felt very "out of it" and in a trance-like state.  My senses came back to me and I realized what had happened, or at least half of it.  I felt a rumbling, it felt like an earthquake.  I heard the loud rumbling noise again and jerked my head sideways.
     A raging swarm of giant, blood red dragons were heading straight for me.  I ended up having to open my door and run.  I ran until I couldn't stand the fatigue any longer.  I took shelter under a Birch tree, which was quite large, covered in sap, and had many branches to climb.  I climbed the tree and looked at them, they had spiked covered backs, breathed fire, and sometimes ice, and were about the size of [b]Manhattan[/b] you should probably choose something smaller. imagery needs to suspend belief, not shatter it. i can already see the entire plot from here, you have dreams and stuff happens. You need to have a plan if you're going to do something as non linear as a bunch of dreams.
TO BE CONTINUED...
Rate x/10, please. :)

Genre:  Action/Comedy
Author: *name withheld*
Setting:  America
Time: Near future, 2040
Type of book: Fiction

inb4tl;dr

[comedy101experiments]

@above Yeah, thanks for trying, but next time be nice.

[Counter98]

Good example of an intro:
The day was dark, and the air tasted sweet and moist. The soft, whistling sound of wind began to pick up. Paper was swept into the air, and wind chimes started to play their sweet, soft sound, as the wind became more cacophonous and loud, eventually rattling the pages on Tavish's Book.

[Jairo]

@above Yeah, thanks for trying, but next time be nice.

comedy, copy pasting someone else's work is bad you should feel bad
seriously, he's (fred's) giving you legit instructions on how to not be a total stuffhead and you're just going along with being a richard

try to listen to other's suggestions and stop hiding behind your bullstuff "it's not done yet!11" crutch
no loving stuff sherlock, we're giving input so you can improve what you originally had
not the entire story that you copied from another user

all text crossed out is the truth but is also rant

honestly, do you not understand how a book works?
you don't just completely take what others presented to you, I mean honestly
his was just a re-write to give you a rough idea of how it should be when written decently and not like a kindergartener snorting pure cane sugar

if you're going to write a book like you have so many times before, at least make sure it's your own work and not something someone wrote for you as an example and not for you to take

tl;dr my rant about how you're being a plagiarist and should feel bad
also venting anger because I've seen too much stuff like this happen

[Awdax]

This is your typical child trying to "write a book" when in reality it's not a lot and it gets nowhere. Honestly, wait until you are in highschool or have a good understanding of writing before attempting to "write a book."

[fred da kiko]

@above Yeah, thanks for trying, but next time be nice.

Do you not understand the idea of constructive criticism and editing? If i were mean, I would have crossed out the entire wall of text you wrote and just leave "stuff" at the bottom. Your imagery is lacking, your pacing is spontaneous, you have a bad choice for words, your dialogue feels forced, your motives are unclear, you over use exposition, and your narration is unnatural. Get your head out of your ass and learn how to take criticism from people who are trying to help you.

[Jairo]

Do you not understand the idea of constructive criticism and editing? If i were mean, I would have crossed out the entire wall of text you wrote and just leave "stuff" at the bottom. Your imagery is lacking, your pacing is spontaneous, you have a bad choice for words, your dialogue feels forced, your motives are unclear, you over use exposition, and your narration is unnatural. Get your head out of your ass and learn how to take criticism from people who are trying to help you.

it's not even his
look back a page
he stole the entire thing from indy even though indy never said he could use it

[fred da kiko]

it's not even his
look back a page
he stole the entire thing from indy even though indy never said he could use it

now i feel bad for criticizing indy's work so harshly. i still think comedy has his head up his ass.

it's an edit, technically intellectual property of the original owner. either way, the premise is stuff because it has no hook. nothing really makes me feel compelled to read the book. I don't care what happened to this kid, he has no personality.