Badspot, join our cause before it is too late! We have seen the signs... The apocalypse is upon us! We have gained information from confidential sources that the world economy will collapse within two standard months, leading to wide spread famine and war! A dictator wearing a blue turban will arise, in a previously unknown land of sand and oil, wielding a Soviet-era Ak-47 in one arm and a contract to sell oil to the US for 20% the normal rate, despite protests from OPEC, in exchange for military aid in the other! Crows shall descend upon the crops, every second-born son shall die from explosive bladders, the oceans will turn into V8, and so on!
SAVE YOUR SOUL BEFORE IT IS TOO LATE!
All that is required is a small donation of $300 to the Unified Church of Earth's Army. You will receive a complimentary wallet membership card, an authentic certificate to frame and display in your office, an I AM SAVED bumper sticker, potassium iodine pills, and an awesome action figure of our esteemed leader, Wedge the Most Holy, with kung-fu grip. You are required to kneel before it and pray to it three times a day, but its a small price to pay for the guaranteed sanctity of your soul in the next life.
