note: this is actually in the game and not footage of a honor student
kimulator: fight for your destiny
the express purpose of this game is for the developers to see if they can get a game on steam. the actual purpose is to test how lenient steam greenlight's attitude towards garbage games is, which they unfortunately found to be limitlessly tolerant. kimulator is a first person shooter made of unity assets and live action clips brought to you by the wasteland that is french canada and its college student inhabitants. ostensibly the goal is to end the life of kim jong-il for whatever reason but any coherence immediately falls apart once the game begins. nothing about it is good or even acceptable and it easily beats out bad rats show for the worst non-visual novel actually a game game on steam title. i don't know if i should even count this as a game, since it was clearly made in like 3 hours with minimal possible effort, but i feel the unfortunate tug of duty as someone actually paid money to send this to me, money that has never been this worthlessly discarded. my life has become a mess as i seek without success a reason for my part in enabling the distribution and funding of this game. its still better than off.
the gameplay is complete garbage. apparently you play as some sort of fench canadian teenager who goes around and first person shoots everyone to death except the model for you is ripped so its just generic military dude. all of the enemies are also generic military dudes and the ai is so pitifully bad that i could play this game blindfolded. enemies dont react to getting hit if you are far enough away and gun battles consist of them standing completely still and shooting as you end their lives with ease. health regens at an absurd rate so dying is an impossibility to anyone playing remotely seriously. weapon variety is comically stupid as absolute trash medieval weapons are juxtaposed with modern military stuff. map design is incredibly simple and always a flat plane with copy pasted buildings. weapons and ammo spawns appear in great masses sprawled across the ground at random. nothing about the gameplay is enjoyable.
the game is so terribly optimized and obnoxiously unpolished that i need an entire paragraph to list how badly it flubs the job of existing. load times between scenes are tremendous and frequent and only offer the horrendous graphics and boring levels in compensation. all cutscenes are unskippable and many of them are multiple minutes long although none are entertaining. the graphics enjoy bugging out and the colors completely flip stuff for no discernible reason. the draw distance is depressingly low and enemies and items pop in and out frequently. this game is a travesty
it gets worse though because for god knows why a sizable portion of the game is a bunch of live action videos of a gangly teenager with a french accent loving around. the teenager is not interesting or funny in any way. he is accompanied by a bunch of those pay me and i will say things for you voice guys you can find on the internet and im assuming a sizable portion of the game funds (like $10) went towards paying these people to voice act for his game, potentially without their knowledge. as far as i am aware there are two of them, one sounds and looks like jesus and pops in on some white background whenever he speaks and the other is some drill sergeant sounding guy who is never seen. as these characters had their lines written for them by the development team none of them are entertaining, with the jesus guy being particularly bad as he talks like he has no context for any of the scenes.
the "story" is a mess of random humor and idiocy pushed forth by amazingly awful actors. it is apparently about the teenager going around to kim jong-ils place and killing him because i don't know its just a thing to do in canada i guess. the rest of the game captures the romp of this dude throughout his small town as he forgets around and talks to a camera or the air before putting the voice actors in in post production. once again minimal effort was put into the script and what was produced in the 5 minutes allotted to write it is a wholly dull waste of time that only serves to extend the games length and convey what all of the disparate royalty free models are doing together.
the graphics are unbelievably bad. when all of the colors arent freaking the forget out at random it is just absolutely terrible to look at. the terrain is all one color and is often awkwardly extended to form map boundaries that look unnatural and awful. buildings are clearly copied and pasted multiple times and weren't anything special to begin with. models clash with the lighting, and any sort of non-default texture applied to them is hideous. the live action shots have zero production values and the best i can give to them is an at least the camera quality isn't terrible. the game never even attempts to grab on to any cohesive visual style and the models vary wildly throughout the game although the buildings and terrain are reused forever. for comparison bad rats easily has better graphics.
the music is so ridiculously terrible it has to be heard to believe. thankfully i
documented how bad it is forever as there is no way in hell anyone will upload the soundtrack. if you enjoy the musical equivalent of a down syndrome child making noises to himself in a corner to the tune of popular songs this is for you, although the songs only last like 30 seconds each and loop poorly. the only reason this game isn't getting sued into submission is because nobody cares about it. bad rats show did a jokey soundtrack that worked and i am unfortunate to find its worse counterpart.
this is another one of those its on steam so i am forced to review it games except this one actually costs money. this game is being sold for money on steam at this very moment. i honestly thought bad rats was somewhere around the bottom of the barrel of games you could gift people but this opened my eyes to how awful the steam greenlight system can be. lord knows why anyone would ever vote for this or buy it but here i am, game in library and tears on cheeks. at least i am confident that i now could get a game on steam. thanks kimulator.
since i have so many reviews now im just going to put what tier its in to not stretch the page unnecessarily
physically revolting tier kimulator: fight for your destiny
major/minor
gender bender dna twister extreme
space funeral 4
Poll