I like monkeys. The pet store was selling them for five cents a piece. I thought that odd since they were normally a couple thousand each. I decided not to look a gift horse in the mouth. I bought 200. I like monkeys. I took my 200 monkeys home. I have a big car. I let one drive. His name was Sigmund. He was handicapped. In fact, none of them were really bright. They kept punching themselves in their genitals. I laughed. Then they punched my genitals. I stopped laughing. I herded them into my room. They didn't adapt very well to their new environment. They would screech, hurl themselves off of the couch at high speeds and slam into the wall. Although humorous at first, the spectacle lost its novelty halfway into its third hour. Two hours later I found out why all the monkeys were so inexpensive: they all died. No apparent reason. They all just sorta' dropped dead. Kinda' like when you buy a goldfish and it dies five hours later. Damn cheap monkeys...I didn't know what to do. There were 200 dead monkeys lying all over my room, on the bed, in the dresser, hanging from my bookcase. It looked like I had 200 throw rugs. I tried to flush one down the toilet. It didn't work. It got stuck. Then I had one dead, wet monkey and 199 dead, dry monkeys. I tried pretending that they were just stuffed animals. That worked for a while, that is until they began to decompose. It started to smell real bad...I had to pee but there was a dead monkey in the toilet and I didn't want to call the plumber. I was embarrassed...I tried to slow down the decomposition by freezing them. Unfortunately there was only enough room for two monkeys at a time so I had to change them every 30 seconds. I also had to eat all the food in the freezer so it didn't all go bad...I tried burning them. Little did I know my bed was flammable. I had to extinguish the fire. Then I had one dead, wet monkey in my toilet, two dead, frozen monkeys in my freezer, and 197 dead, charred monkeys in a pile on my bed. The odor wasn't improving. I became agitated at my inability to dispose of my monkeys and to use the bathroom. I severely beat one of my monkeys. I felt better. I tried throwing them way but the garbage man said that the city wasn't allowed to dispose of charred primates. I told him that I had a wet one. He couldn't take that one either. I didn't bother asking about the frozen ones. I finally arrived at a solution. I gave them out as Christmas gifts. My friends didn't know quite what to say. They pretended that they like them but I could tell they were lying. Ingrates. So I punched them in the genitals. I like monkeys.
In a previous letter, I stated that it is of paramount importance not to let Dr_pepper's peeps undermine the individualistic underpinnings of traditional jurisprudence. That will be my position in this letter, as well. I'm sure that everyone reading this is already familiar with Dr_pepper's self-pitying circulars so I'll spare you the sordid details. Instead, I'll simply summarize with the comment that by Dr_pepper's standards, if you have morals, believe that character counts, and actually raise your own children—let alone teach them to be morally fit—you're definitely a jaundiced sensualist. My standards—and I suspect yours as well—are quite different from his. For instance, I personally profess that I, for one, suggest that we deliver new information about Dr_pepper's testy denunciations. This right and truthful proposition, practically established, will help us construct an equitable and inclusive community. Let's be honest here: It frustrates Dr_pepper that he can't shut me up. Disguised in this drollery is an important message: If we don't expose some of Dr_pepper's irresponsible deeds, then Dr_pepper will soon become unstoppable. No borders will be able to detain him. No united global opinion will be able to isolate him. No international police or juridical institutions will be able to interdict him.
I suggest that Dr_pepper draw his chair in closer and listen harder to the intricate conversations taking place among the world's leading experts in combating Dadaism. Maybe then Dr_pepper will learn that his self-serving, short-sighted hatchet jobs respond to this letter with hyperbolic and uncorroborated accusations and assaults on free speech. News of this deviousness must spread like wildfire if we are ever to make this world a kinder, gentler place. I plan to pronounce an enlightened and just judgment upon him. This is a choice I have made; your choice is up to you. But let me remind you that I wouldn't judge Dr_pepper's confreres too harshly. They're definitely just cannon fodder for Dr_pepper's plot to force women to live by restrictive standards not applicable to men. It is more than a purely historical question to ask, “How did Dr_pepper's reign of terror start?” or even the more urgent question, “How might it end?”. No, we must ask, “What is it about our society that makes pestiferous voluptuaries like Dr_pepper desire to blame those who have no power to change the current direction of events?” The best answer comes from Dr_pepper himself. That is, if you pay attention to his mendacious sophistries you'll honestly notice that unlike Dr_pepper, when I make a mistake I'm willing to admit it. Consequently, if—and I'm bending over backwards to maintain the illusion of “innocent until proven guilty”—he were not actually responsible for trying to plunge the whole of Christendom into wars and chaos, then I'd stop saying that Dr_pepper's irritating, belligerent prevarications cause death by a thousand blows. While no one blow is strong enough, together they lead an active disinformation campaign.
For what it's worth, Dr_pepper has been doing everything in his power to prevent people like me from calling for proper disciplinary action against him and his eulogists. To that end, he has manufactured a long list of eyebrow-raising accusations that often read more like wild-eyed conspiracy theories than serious discourse. Ironically, we should be accusing him of crushing the will of all individuals who have expressed political and intellectual opposition to his expositions. He seeks scapegoats for his own shortcomings by blaming the easiest target he can find, that is, the worst kinds of maladroit, wretched troublemakers there are. “Dr_pepper” has now become part of my vocabulary. Whenever I see someone tricking our children into adopting unconventional, disapproved-of opinions and ways of life, I tell him or her to stop “Dr_pepper-ing”.
Before I move on, I just want to state once more that Dr_pepper fervently believes that his sentiments are Holy Writ. This shows that he is not merely mistaken about one little fact among millions of facts but that Dr_pepper's buddies are united by only two things. Want to guess what those are? They're a deep-seated sense of victimization and a burning desire to cause one-sided morals to be entered into historical fact. Aside from those two things, the members of Dr_pepper's camorra have little in common. Surprisingly, some of them even realize that many people who follow Dr_pepper's précis have come to the erroneous conclusion that violence directed at Dr_pepper's critics is morally justified. The truth of the matter is that his polemics symbolize lawlessness, violence, and misguided rebellion—extreme liberty for a few, even if the rest of us lose more than a little freedom.
To be blunt, classism doesn't work. So why does Dr_pepper cling to it? I'm sure you already know the answer so I won't bother repeating it. I'd like to emphasize, however, that we wouldn't have a problem with ruffianism if it weren't for Dr_pepper. Although he created the problem, aggravated the problem, and escalated the problem, Dr_pepper insists that he can solve the problem if we just grant him more power. How naïve does he think we are? Truly, Dr_pepper has been trying to conceal his plans to abet a resurgence of ludibrious, maledicent Trotskyism. Fortunately, the truth about his devious causeries is spreading like a jungle fire. Soon, everyone will know that you don't have to say anything specifically about Dr_pepper for him to start attacking you. All you have to do is dare to imply that we should enable adversaries to meet each other and establish direct personal bonds that contradict the stereotypes they rely upon to power their illogical philosophies. Help me unite rich and poor, young and old. Join your hands with mine in this, the greatest cause of our time.
