Ill mention how kind and supportive everyone was and that I was proud to be part of this small community
i wont thoThing I just want to die. Theres nothing stopping me anymore from just shooting myself in the face besides some stupid promises I made so they would get off my back but I doubt panicking psychotic me gives a stuff about said promises.
Ive also convinced myself that im worth jackstuff and that I would just be a small speck in this vast world. Like whats even the point of living? Are we supposed to work a stuffty job and watch podcasts untill we die or whats the plan? I'm genuinely disgusted by everything about myself to the point where there are days I dont even eat.
Thank you very much
the fact that you're talking to us about your attempted Self Delete shows that part of you wants to live. If you truly wanted to die you wouldve skipped this thread and tried again to end your life. Everyone wants to kill themselves, but the part of them that wants to live is more powerful. You gotta find your own reasons for living, because nobody else can give that to you.
Everyone you know personally has the will to live and the will to be a better person which is why they sacrifice so much for you. Your parents sacrificed their personal happiness and goals to give you life and keep you alive. At any moment they could've just offed themselves and took the easy way out but you were part of their will to live, so they stayed alive and struggled so you could exist. Your friends, psychiatrists, and pretty much everyone you know are constantly sacrificing things for you, even in the most subtle ways.
If you weren't important and nobody cared about you, you'd be dead right now. You'd have been thrown in a dumpster as an infant or aborted or you'd be in a foster home. If the people around you who support you are not important to you, then by all means take your life. But you'd be hurting them so much and causing them an immense amount of pain and anguish. If you truly are so apathetic that you can do that without a second thought, then you should be dead by now.
Finding the will to live isn't about you, it's about everyone else. It takes a complete change of how you view the world to understand this, but it starts with being appreciative of why you're alive right now. When you convince yourself that you're 'not worth it' or 'unimportant' you are insulting the people who think otherwise, who base their happiness around your happiness.
