I know this post is literally a month old at this point but I have thoughts and I can't contain them, I need to say something.
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Recently I worked up the courage to look at some old pictures of myself back when I was 8 again. I look at myself, so small and innocent. All I can think of is
"how could you?" Those were the worst things that ever happened to me. And they're still out there.
I feel like I'm guilt tripping here. Like I'm just saying stuff for no reason. But really, how could you? Judging by what other people said about the law that prosecuted you, and by the nature of this post, "photos of nudists" is certainly a light way to put it. You got more specific later on, but why try to downplay it?
You say that you know how bad it is, that you're genuinely sorry, this and all that. But why would you feel the need to come back, and "clarify" like this? It downplays it to a degree. Those are the worst days of those children's lives, forever immortalized, and you played into that. Maybe you could have been photos of me on there, but I get the feeling you prefer little girls. I know people who were put in photos like these, and maybe "home movies" if you had those too. It is the worst thing that happened to them, if they can even remember that period of their lives and aren't just dealing with it's shadow. I won't be much more specific than that, it's their story and their voice, not mine, but I want you to understand how devastating this is. Every day I have to look in my dad's eyes and see a man who tries to forget how he failed to protect his son, a mother who constantly blames herself just for being mentally distracted by a loving divorce. We have to live with that for the rest of our lives.
Still, I do not believe that my arrest, conviction, and sentence were fair given the circumstances.
Perhaps. They should have asked the people that you saved abuse imagery of what they thought should be done to you.
Regardless, I had some unresolved issues that I'm glad have been straightended out. Not really an apology so much as a clarification as to where I am, what I've done, and how I've paid my debt to society.
What do you mean here? You do not straighten out child enthusiasm. This is a life long condition. (
https://www.missingkids.org/content/dam/missingkids/pdfs/publications/nc70.pdf) If you wanted to straighten this out, you need to make a lifelong commitment to never hurt children again, to do what it takes to find the supportive people who can help you refrain from doing that, and if you aren't mature enough to do that yet, let the system do it for you. I know it sucks. This isn't a burden anybody asks to be born with. But it's what you have to do. There's no paying back debts for this, not a convenient outing like with depression where you overcome the things that make you sad and retake your life. This is something you have to live with as much as I have to live with it's consequences. The fact you think you can run away from this makes me worried. I don't want you to harm anymore children, and I know that
you don't wanna harm anymore children! But if you want to "repay your debts" to society, you have to take the precautions to make sure that no more harm can come again, and I'm sorry but thinking of it like this doesn't do it right.
The link I put in parentheses above is a criminal report on child molestation and other love crimes like child research possession. It's from the framework of the criminal justice system, rather than a psychological one, and isn't intended as an end all be all manual, but I think there's some wisdom and insight to be held regardless. Maybe you or others in this thread could find insight and know where to draw lines and how to recognize behavior and deal with it in appropriate ways. I can't stress this enough, the only way to move forward from this is to take all precautions necessary to ensure you never harm or exploit minors ever again, and I'm sorry but your posts don't give me that impression. I want to believe you aren't capable of that anymore, or at least have the ways to deal with it so that harm is minimalized. But I can't, and that scares me. The way you're speaking about this and getting off the registry like it's a blemish in your life that can best be scrubbed out and not a deep indictment of your character and indicator of major problems that need life long correction is just terrifying. I don't want you to try to forget about this because it's going to come back up again and might get people hurt in even worse ways, least of all yourself. And I don't even want to entertain the possibility that you're lying about all of this and have relapsed a long time ago.
tl;dr If you want to "pay your debts" to society, you should try living with it and coping just as the victims have to deal with it's aftermath.