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Complaint Letter Generator
Jaymz:
Ahaha! I loving love this thing!
n0cturni:
Electronic Arts thinks that it values our perspectives. Unfortunately for it, it's wrong. Please note that many of the conclusions I'm about to draw are based on cogent and virtually incontrovertible evidence provided by a set of people who have suffered immensely on account of it. Electronic Arts wants to gain a virtual stranglehold on many facets of our educational system. But what if the tables were turned? How would Electronic Arts like that? Finally, any mistakes in this letter are strictly my fault. But if you find any factual error or have more updated information on the subject of Electronic Arts, Electronic Arts-inspired versions of emotionalism, etc., please tell me so I can write an even stronger letter next time.
Osak:
Before I can focus on the ignorance that abounds in RoadRunner's rooster-and-bull stories, I must qualify RoadRunner's character, his sources, and even his personal frame of mind towards me. There are a number of reasons RoadRunner isn't telling us as to why he wants to rely on the psychological effects of terror to magnify the localized effects of his pranks so that, like a stone hurled into a pool of water, shock waves ripple from the epicenter of RoadRunner's attacks to the furthest reaches of the Earth. In this letter, I will expose those reasons one-by-one, on the principle that I've never bothered RoadRunner. Yet RoadRunner wants to pollute the great canon of English literature with references to his loud ideas. Whatever happened to "live and let live"? This is well illustrated in what remains one of the most divisive issues of our day: animalism.
Given the amount of misinformation that RoadRunner is circulating, I must point out that I find that some of his choices of words in his precepts would not have been mine. For example, I would have substituted "power-drunk" for "anarchoindividualist" and "manipulative" for "barothermohygrograph." I admit I have a tendency to become a bit insensitive whenever I rebuke him for trying to step on other people's toes. While I am desirous of mending this tiny personality flaw, RoadRunner deeply believes that newspapers should report only on items he agrees with. Meanwhile, back on Earth, the truth is very simple: Some people apparently believe that if we don't bother RoadRunner, RoadRunner won't bother us. The fallacy of that belief is that our desires and his are not merely different; they are opposed in mortal enmity. RoadRunner wants to dispense bread and circuses to frowzy bludgers to entice them to blame our societal problems on handy scapegoats. We, in contrast, want to alert people that he spouts the same bile in everything he writes, making only slight modifications to suit the issue at hand. The issue RoadRunner's excited about this week is pharisaism, which says to me that no matter what else we do, our first move must be to educate everyone about how I think that we should refer to him using the sobriquet "Primitive RoadRunner" because he's so thoroughly primitive, not to mention pudibund. That's the first step: education. Education alone is not enough, of course. We must also make a cause célèbre out of exposing his rantings for what they really are.
To say otherwise would be uninformed. I do not wish to endorse obstructionism but rather to illustrate that RoadRunner has a knack for convincing impolitic flakes that doing the fashionable thing is more important than life or liberty. That's called marketing. The underlying trick is to use sesquipedalian terms like "theologicohistorical" and "scleroticochorioiditis" to keep his sales pitch from sounding contemptible. That's why you really have to look hard to see that there are some basic biological realities of the world in which we live. These realities are doubtless regrettable, but they are unalterable. If RoadRunner finds them intolerable and unthinkable, the only thing that I can suggest is that he try to flag down a flying saucer and take passage for some other solar system, possibly one in which the residents are oblivious to the fact that if we don't make some changes here then RoadRunner will engage in the trafficking of human beings. This message has been brought to you by the Department of Blinding Obviousness. What might not be so obvious, however, is that RoadRunner says that university professors must conform their theses and conclusions to his oleaginous, repulsive prejudices if they want to publish papers and advance their careers. But then he turns around and says that his contrivances won't be used for political retribution. You know, you can't have it both ways, RoadRunner.
RoadRunner should learn to appreciate what he has instead of feeling so oppressed because he can't do everything he wants, every time he wants to. I want to keep this brief: If denominationalism were an Olympic sport, he would clinch the gold medal. Ostensibly, RoadRunner does not intend to add insult to injury but, in fact, he has been trying hard to protect what has become a lucrative racket for him. Unfortunately, that lucrative racket has a hard-to-overlook consequence: it will replace discourse and open dialogue with stubborn equivocations and blatant ugliness some day.
RoadRunner wants to twist the history, sociology, and anthropology disseminated by our mass media and in our children's textbooks. Why he wants that, I don't know, but that's what he wants. His recommendations are entirely otiose. How does he deal with this fascinating piece of information? He absolutely ignores it. Even if coprophagous, birdbrained fence-sitters join his band with the best of intentions, they will still treat anyone who doesn't agree with him to a torrent of vitriol and vilification in the near future. Not all, I hasten to add, do join with the best of intentions.
When I was a child, my clergyman told me, "I'm unequivocally tired of what I call noisome racketeers." If you think about it you'll see his point. RoadRunner takes things out of context, twists them around, and then neglects to provide decent referencing so the reader can check up on him. He also ignores all of the evidence that doesn't support (or in many cases directly contradicts) his position. He makes it sound like there's no difference between normal people like you and me and cankered, daft fanatics of one sort or another. That's the rankest sort of pretense I've ever heard. The reality is that I have always been an independent thinker. I'm not influenced by popular trends, the media, or even so-called undisputed facts when parroted by others. Maybe that streak of independence is what first enabled me to see that RoadRunner wants me to stop trying to rage, rage against the dying of the light. Instead, he'd rather I recant all of the claims I've made in this letter. Sorry, but I don't accept defeat that easily.
Must it be explained to RoadRunner that unilateralism is not confined to any specific era, culture, or country? Because he obviously doesn't realize that we are at a crossroads. One road leads into the light of a bright, shining future in which myopic, distasteful buggers like RoadRunner are totally absent. The other road leads into the darkness of colonialism. The question, therefore, is: Who's driving the bus? Apparently, even know-it-all RoadRunner doesn't know the answer to that one. It wouldn't matter if he did, given that a colleague recently informed me that a bunch of pestiferous slanderers and others in RoadRunner's amen corner are about to bring widespread death and degradation to millions of human beings across the face of the Earth. I have no reason to doubt that story because even when the facts don't fit, RoadRunner sometimes tries to use them anyway. He still maintains, for instance, that if he kicks us in the teeth we'll then lick his toes and beg for another kick.
RoadRunner's goons have coordinated their propaganda efforts into a superbly-wrought symphony of hatred and destruction. I submit that everyone should stop and mull that assertion. Then, you'll understand why we must get beyond name-calling. I'll go further: My goal is to find the common ground that enables others to respond to RoadRunner's doctrines. I will not stint in my labor in this direction. When I have succeeded, the whole world will know that I'll tell you what we need to do about all the craziness RoadRunner is mongering. We need to indicate in a rough and approximate way the two cheeky tendencies that I believe are the main driving force of modern racialism. If you observe some repetition in my statements, it is because such repetition is needed for clarity and emphasis as I examine the social and cultural conditions that lead RoadRunner to sell us fibs and fear mixed with a generous dollop of loveism.
With this in mind, I must transform our culture of war and violence into a culture of peace and nonviolence. Wanting to put the prisoners in charge of running the prison is one thing but why would anybody possibly want to prepare the ground for an ever-more vicious and brutal campaign of terror? The answer is almost thoroughly obvious—this isn't rocket science, you know. The key is that I want to make this clear so that those who do not understand deeper messages embedded within sarcastic irony—and you know who I'm referring to—can process my point.
The hour is late indeed. Fortunately, it's not yet too late to establish clear, justifiable definitions of radicalism and extremism so that you can defend a decision to take action when RoadRunner's companions reward those who knowingly or unknowingly play along with RoadRunner's scare tactics while punishing those who oppose them. Was RoadRunner just trying to be cute when he said that some people deserve to feel safe while others do not? I sure hope so because he accuses me of being a liar. The only proven liar around here, however, is RoadRunner. Only a die-hard liar like RoadRunner could claim that he is as innocent as a newborn lamb. The truth, in case you haven't already figured it out, is that my position is that so far, the response from his camp has been tardy and equivocal. RoadRunner, in contrast, argues that all it takes to solve our social woes are shotgun marriages, heavy-handed divorce laws, and a return to some mythical 1950s Shangri-la. This disagreement merely scratches the surface of the ideological chasm festering between me and RoadRunner. The only rational way to bridge this chasm is for him to admit that I have a dream that my children will be able to live in a world filled with open spaces and beautiful wilderness—not in a dark, cold-blooded world run by the worst kinds of superficial, mealymouthed scalawags I've ever seen. Summa summarum, RoadRunner chivvies tasteless gutter-dwellers to his side by convincing them that he can absorb mana by devouring his nemeses' brains.
qevil:
I wish I didn't have to write a letter like this one, but recent events leave me no choice. For openers, some of us have an opportunity to come in contact with shrewish pillocks on a regular basis at work or in school. We, therefore, may be able to gain some insight into the way they think, into their values; we may be able to understand why they want to perpetuate harmful stereotypes. If Mr. Ferrydrop X. Borkupine. II can one day cure the evil of discrimination with more discrimination then the long descent into night is sure to follow. His apothegms are a textbook example of distortion and deceit. The best example of this, culled from many, would have to be the time he tried to harvest what others have sown.
Pesky protestors don't think like you and me. That's pretty transparent. What's not so transparent is the answer to the following question: Does Mr. Borkupine. contend that his overgeneralizations enhance performance standards, productivity, and competitiveness because it fits his political agenda or because he's too ignorant of the facts to know that we are now stuck with a squalid expansionism bearing a human face—that of Ferrydrop X. Borkupine.? A clue might be that to believe that violence and prejudice are funny is to deceive ourselves.
Instead of friends, Mr. Borkupine. has victims and fans who end up as victims. I unmistakably feel sorry for the lot of them. I also feel that I don't just want to make a point. I don't just want to condemn—without hesitation, without remorse—all those who give lunatics control of the asylum. I'm here to give an alternate solution, a better one. I don't just ask rhetorical questions; I have answers. That's why I'm telling you that I respect the English language and believe in the use of words as a means of communication. Tactless vagrants like Mr. Borkupine., however, consider spoken communication as merely a set of noises uttered to excite emotions in the most sneaky malefactors you'll ever see in order to convince them to depressurize the frail vessel of human hopes.
While nugatory know-nothings claim to defend traditional values, they actually permit ornery publishers of hate literature to rise to positions of leadership and authority. I won't mince my words: Mr. Borkupine. says that clever one-liners are a valid substitute for actual thinking. What he means by this, of course, is that he wants free reign to exert more and more control over other individuals.
Mr. Borkupine. maintains that he is a bearer and agent of the Creator's purpose. This is complete—or at least, incomplete—baloney. For instance, Mr. Borkupine. fails to mention that when I'm through with him he'll think twice before attempting to waste taxpayers' money. He has no discernible talents. The only things Mr. Borkupine. has obviously mastered are biological functions. Well, I suppose he's also good at convincing people that the bogeyman is going to get us if we don't agree to his demands, but my point is that certain facts are clear. For instance, Mr. Borkupine.'s true goal is to break down age-old institutions and customs. All the statements that his gofers make to justify or downplay that goal are only apologetics; they do nothing to lead the way to the future, not to the past.
Pardon my coarse language, but Mr. Borkupine.'s assertions are not pedantic treatises expressing theories or extravaganzas dealing in fables or fancies. They are substantial, sober outpourings from the very soul of denominationalism. In Mr. Borkupine.'s stooges' rush to join the crowd, they failed to observe that Mr. Borkupine. has already begun preventing me from sleeping soundly at night. I wish I were joking but I'm not. What's more, Mr. Borkupine. has stated that he is the most recent incarnation of the Buddha. One clear inference from that statement—an inference that is never really disavowed—is that the sky is falling. Now that's just mawkish.
Mr. Borkupine.'s prognoses always follow the same pattern. He puts the desired twist on the actual facts, ignores inconvenient facts, and invents as many new "facts" as necessary to convince us that superstition is no less credible than proven scientific principles. I am convinced that there will be a strong effort on Mr. Borkupine.'s part to pit people against each other by the next full moon. This effort will be disguised, of course. It will be cloaked in deceit, as such efforts always are. That's why I'm informing you that several things Mr. Borkupine. has said have brought me to the boiling point. The statement of his that made the strongest impression on me, however, was something to the effect of how he is omnipotent.
To quote the prophet Isaiah, "Woe to ye who intensify race hatred". Mr. Borkupine.'s causing all sorts of problems for us. We must grasp these problems with both hands and deal with them in a forthright way. Woe to the stuck-up megalomaniacs who make people suspicious of those who speak the truth! I have always assumed that Mr. Borkupine. is always demanding money, sympathy, and the punishment of his critics, but the fact of the matter is that if you think you can escape from Mr. Borkupine.'s refractory allegations, then good-bye and good luck. To the rest of you I suggest that he's planning to exploit issues such as the global economic crCIA and the increase in world terrorism in order to instigate planet-wide chaos. Planet-wide chaos is Mr. Borkupine.'s gateway to global tyranny, which will in turn enable him to incite young people to copulate early, often, and indiscriminately.
We can say that it's about time the public realized that they are being hornswoggled by Mr. Borkupine. and his encomiasts, and Mr. Borkupine. can claim the opposite, and it won't make one bit of difference. The Orwellian implications of his ideas are clear. Have you noticed that that hasn't been covered at all by the mainstream media? Maybe they're afraid that Mr. Borkupine. will retaliate by insulting my intelligence. I, hardheaded cynic that I am, see two problems with his memoranda on a very fundamental level. First, we must assert ourselves as champions of freedom and compile readers' remarks and suggestions and use them to express our concerns about his infernal drug-induced ravings. And second, I don't know which are worse, right-wing tyrants or left-wing tyrants. But I do know that Mr. Borkupine. and I disagree about our civic duties. I suspect that we must do our utmost to tell you things that he doesn't want you to know. Mr. Borkupine., on the other hand, believes that we can stop gangsterism merely by permitting government officials entrée into private homes to search for mendacious hooligans.
To quote someone far wittier than I'll ever be, "I hope that Mr. Borkupine.'s punishment fits his crime." I sure wish I had said that because that's exactly what I profess. Nevertheless, I suppose it's predictable, though terribly sad, that effrontive, pernicious crazy-types with stronger voices than minds would revert to wretched behavior. But I'm sure Mr. Borkupine. wouldn't want me to eavesdrop on his conversations. So why does he want to use oligarchism as a more destructive form of obstructionism? This is not a question that we should run away from. Rather, it is something that needs to be addressed quickly and directly because the question that's on everyone's mind these days is, "How can he make the pot of Maoism overboil and scald the whole world and then turn around and shed tears for those who got hurt as a result?" The best answer comes from Mr. Borkupine. himself. That is, if you pay careful attention to his libidinous, disrespectful conclusions you'll certainly notice that Mr. Borkupine.'s ruses are based on two fundamental errors. They assume that Mr. Borkupine. understands the difference between civilization and savagery and they promote the mistaken idea that anyone who resists him deserves to be crushed. All of this once again proves the old saying that it is easier to get a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince Mr. Ferrydrop X. Borkupine. II's forces to make efforts directed towards broad, long-term social change.
TruBluRage:
Ahem... I thought I would get a paragraph...
"TruBluRage is a bitch."
:(