Author Topic: Hugums made a story!  (Read 1012 times)

I wrote a thing!

They've been going out. one by one. The night sky grows darker so slowly but so surely and no one is saying anything. Those bastards will let everything fall down, it's all going down the loving drain. As the lights go o-o-o-out we all begin to fa-a-a-ail. But, no, the stars are disapearing, not dying, leaving. I've se-e-e-en it they move, slowly, over days, Over weeks, over m-o-o-o-onths. Started, oh, I don't know, a year ago. I was looking up one night, then another, and I no-o-o-o-ticed Canis Major had moved, ever so slightly, up and to the right. From my perspective. Night by night the stars move farther and farther until after a time they just dis-s-s-s-sapear. Why? WHY? WHY? I DON'T loving KNOW WHY BUT IT'S NOT GO-O-O-OD. I can't do it. Watching them move. I never would have noticed if not for the pictures I took. I pointed a camera at the sk-k-k-ky and left the shutter open when it got dark. And I did this every day, for three months, it's what's driving me insane I-I-I-I've seen it. It twists and turns and draws to one point right above me. A circle in the sky, they get to it and just, poof. But they don't die I know it becaus-s-s-se, the internet told me. It did, people in China, they see the stars dis-s-s-sapearing too. They watch with better equipment. They watch with keener eyes. They grow smaller and smaller, they go away, d-d-d-don't die just leave. But where, why, how. No no no no no; HOW THE forget SHOULD I KNO-O-O-OW. I watch. I wait. Someone said it was a black hole. No, they are drawn in to the spot then repulsed away but how come. Are they saying something? Are they trying to show us someth-th-th-thing? NOOOOO! We need to do something about this this needs to be stopped. Launch sattelites, rockets, missles, bombs, things that will stop them from moving or things that will make them tell us why we aren't moving. Light. It is in the center of the hole in the sky, it is a single pin point of light but can only be s-s-s-seen well with a telescope. It's just a pin of light nothing special it seems. But now I worry... It grows day after d-d-d-day after EVERY loving DAY! Just little bits, less than can be observed with the naked eye. But the stars stopped moving. What little bit of stars there are, they stopped moving. And now, just now, people worry. THOSE BASTARDS SHOULD HAVE DONE SOMETHING YEARS AGO WHEN IT STARTED!!! Someone came by today. He asked about it. He knew I had been posting online. He was with someone, oh, I should say though, the sunglasses, the earp-p-p-iece, the suit. I didn't tell him though, I told I was joking, I told him it wasn't real. He walked back to his car and drove away without saying a word. No plates. But tonight the light it can no longer be covered up with a pin point it's bigger. It's getting so much bigger so much faster. I don't want to die I don't want to die I don't want to die I'm so scared. 3 months and the light keeps getting bigger. The men keep coming by he looks like the same man but he's different but looks the same. But finally they say who they are. They are /them/ they are /the man/ they are the ones that keep us from all dying. They come to m-m-m-me not to tell me to stop and not to tell me to k-k-k-keep going. They say they don't care, it won't matter. I don't want to die I don't want to die I don't want to die. They say when the reset is hit I won't come back because I'm too observant. They say I can come with them and be saved... No. No no no. I don't want to live that life. I can't live that life, I won't. They haven't been back. But the light keeps growing. It can barely be covered with my thumb, it's the size of the moon. The m-m-m-moon. It hasn't moved it loves us it won't leave us it will be our protector. They call me mad, they say they can't see it, I see it. People have stopped talking about it as if it's all ok but it's NOT loving OK! The light keeps growing the stars stopped moving but no one can see it. Why. I don't want to die. Another month, another centimeter, no one talks to me. The crazy guy talking about the light. I can see it during the day it hasn't stopped. Oh that's the worst part now. I can see it during the day, not bright enough to light the night but big enough to be seen over the glare of the sun. Two years to the day. The light can't be covered. It can't be ignored. It makes the n-n-n-night b-b-bright now. I don't want to die. The man comes back for one more visit. No I don't want to join him. But maybe. I tell him to come back later. Another 2 weeks, another two centimeters. The man comes back, this time I invite h-h-h-him in. He says that he works for an organization, a sort of academy, they learn about the world and what we don't know. Did you know the worms aren't figments of your imagination? They burrow and dig and find prey in isolation and they eat them. These people they've done this before. So m-m-m-many times. I never see him reach for the tea but his cup drains. I don't want to die. I say yes. He says, "Then wait." And he leaves. I'm going to die. I don't want to die. One more month. It lights the night, I can't sleep for more than an hour or two at a time the light is so bright. I Don't know if it's day or night. The man came back, asked me how I was feeling, I told him about the sleep. He gives me a watch and pills, tells me to take one at 9PM then lay down. He leaves. 2 more weeks, it's larger than the sun now and growing faster. He comes back. Why can't the rest of them see it? WHY ME WHY ME? He says I'm sp-sp-sp-special. He leaves. 13 days. It's so big I can't block it with my whole hand. He comes and tells me it's time, then leaves. The light grows and grows and grows. It burns. A hole appears in the ground, they say it on the news. The world is seeing it now. Everyone is panicking. Not me, not now. The light goes right through the hole and out the other side of the earth. China says it goes through the hole in the stars. Th-th-th-the light is so intense the b-b-b-burning is so strong. I won't die. But I do. And then it was over. I wake up. It was a dream? I breath a sigh of relief. The sun is in the sky and that's the only light there. Two days later. He's back. No. No no no. NOOOOOOOO!!! But he takes me. "Welcome," he says, "We've been waiting." And so I went.

First draft, all done in notepad at 3 in the morning while procrastinating to avoid writing an actual finals paper. Grammar/punctuation/ indentation is poor because... 3 am in notepad... Criticize this bitch!

Well, for starters, this bit certainly makes me want to know what's next.  The only things that really bug me are caps and excessive exclamation points (But hey it was done in notepad).  The caps should be replaced with italics or bold font if you get this into a word program, and there should never really be more than one exclamation point at the end of a sentence IMO.

Also, are the hyphenated words stammering or just continuing a sound?  ("S, s, s" as opposed to "ssssss".)  I read it both ways, and they both fit pretty well.

But yeah, the story itself seems pretty good!

It was really hard to read a block of text.  Maybe breaking into paragraphs would make it easier on the eyes?

Well, for starters, this bit certainly makes me want to know what's next.  The only things that really bug me are caps and excessive exclamation points (But hey it was done in notepad).  The caps should be replaced with italics or bold font if you get this into a word program, and there should never really be more than one exclamation point at the end of a sentence IMO.

Also, are the hyphenated words stammering or just continuing a sound?  ("S, s, s" as opposed to "ssssss".)  I read it both ways, and they both fit pretty well.

But yeah, the story itself seems pretty good!
Stammered, and yeah, After a second look there are a few too many exclamation points. I more or less intended it to be read outloud so those are more for the speakers benefit. Thanks though, i'll be sure to make those changes when I put it into open office. as for wanting to know more, I started another one today


The wind whips at my face as I stand looking over the precepice of the 45 story building. I had waited too long, standing at the top of the edge, on the lip of concrete, people had started to congregate on the street, looking up. Any words they shouted up to me in their megaphone were lost somewhere at the 20th floor. I had barred the door, I don't want them coming up here to stop me... And yet... He sits there, on the edge with his legs dangling over the edge. A nice pressed black suit and sunglasses. He's yet to tell me not to, he doesn't seem to care. The only thing he's said is, "May I sit here?" Well who was I to say no? It's not like I was going to care for long. He claims to know... He says he knows why I'm here, but he can't, no one can. Because no one can see them. Two months ago the holes appeared in my lawn. Strangest thing, perfectly round, too large to be a snake or mouse hole but too small to be something any larger than a small fox. Well naturally I called an exterminator, and he arrived the following day, and he went to the back, where the holes were. But then something happened, I told him I was going to get something for us to drink and when I came back outside he was gone, the truck was still there. Well he hadn't left, unless he walked away, but that seems downright rediculous. No, his testing kit was still in the yard. But that's when I saw, the hole looked like it had... jaws... You know that thing from starwars? The pit thing from episode five. It looked like a really tiny version of that. But then the jaws receeded and it went back to being an ordinary hole in the ground. I was sure my mind was just playing tricks on me so I thought nothing of it. I don't know what caused me to rationalize away the disappearing exterminator, but his truck and tools were gone later that day. Buisness and stress in general can allow you to convince yourself of any

As you can see, I barely even started it. And it's written from the PoV of another guy

It was really hard to read a block of text.  Maybe breaking into paragraphs would make it easier on the eyes?
Grammar/punctuation/ indentation is poor because... 3 am in notepad... Criticize this bitch!


The Importance of Proper Formatting
An educational vignette by Sirrus

'A story', was the title of thread, but all I found when I opened the thread was an unformatted wall of text; I groaned. Letting my eyes go unfocused and scratching my head, I thought about how something so simple as putting in a double line break for dialog and new paragraphs, or a single line break and an indentation, can make such a huge difference in the readability of a story. Furrowing my brow, I took a few moments to try and find my place again and began chipping away at the dense block of words.

My brother strolled past my computer. The massive block of text caught his eye.

"What are you reading, a practical demonstration of how to make a story difficult to read?" He squinted and skimmed the almost unreadable lines of text.

I backed away from the computer and rubbed my eyes.

"I honestly couldn't tell you what the story was about, putting a description in the middle of dialog is one thing, but a story which is one wall of text makes it impossible to mentally segment parts of the story and unique trains of thought in the way the author might want you to do it." I sighed and made a dismissive gesture at the screen as my brother gave up and looked at me. "I just, I want to be able to read this but this formatting is impossible."

My brother shrugged and started to leave the room. "Oh well, if an author can't format a story correctly they probably weren't a good storyteller to begin with." He said over his shoulder as he left the room.

I sighed and hit the back button on my browser, leaving the story behind. "I guess I'll never know."


-snippity-
The way that you narrated that reminds me of Zork.

On-Topic: Other than, you know, the wall of text part:

It doesn't really seem right to have so many caps and ta-a-a-lking like this. There has to be a better way to make those effects.


Holy stuff you're alive

Is it real :o

someone poke it and make sure

I used to write stories, but then I stopped.