Author Topic: Short-Story [NEED INPUT]  (Read 1094 times)

I have a short story due tomorrow. It is in past-tense and supposed to have two examples of figurative language, but I can't think of places to add them. I am open to feedback.
Short Story

   I was rushing through the crowd, hurrying to get home. I started to feel dizzy, stumbling. I tried to keep walking. Suddenly I hear screeching. . . very loud, closer and closer. Everything went silent, and then silence was replaced by a faint beeping sound.

Then, I wake up.
I realized it was another dream; a replay of my horrible fate.

   As I slowly came back to reality, I realized what was happening. My name is Jenna, and my universe is the limited space between my face and the bandages that wrap around it. I hear what the surgeons are saying.

   “We have to give her that surgery today!” the nurse stuttered. “If it doesn’t work, she will never be able to live a normal life.”

   “We will have to put her in a place with her kind,” the doctor replies with disgust.

   I shifted my body weight at this response. I don’t deserve this treatment. Why can’t I just be normal? Ever since I walked in front of that car, my life hasn’t been the same! At this point, I realized I’m not thinking anymore; I was shouting. The nurse hurried her pace, and gave me a shot. My vision gets blurry and I become unconscious.

   I woke up to hear what seems like a large crowd of news reporters. I didn’t know what had happened, but then I hear the doctor.

   “The surgery failed; there is nothing to see here. Go away.” he yelled at the top of his voice.

   I wanted to cry. I don’t even know what I look like; can I be that bad? Now with the thought in my head, I was determined to figure it out. Once most of the people left, I plead, “Can I just see what I look like? Since the surgery failed, I don’t have many options. Before I get put in an asylum or something, I need to know what got me there in the first place.”

   “Your case is not something that can be fixed by any means of known surgery. Your face is so deformed it would be a crime to let you out in public.” said the doctor. “I guess before anything happens, you have a right to know. Just understand, what you see is what you will be stuck with for your whole life.”

   “Before we continue, I will need permission from the head surgeon before we take off the bandages.”

   I nod at this, and I hear the Doctor’s footsteps getting fainter and fainter. I start wondering… if I see myself and I truly am horrible, what would happen if I escaped in the middle of the night? As it gets later, I start thinking more abstract and unreasonable thoughts. Why do I even need to stay here right now? I know I can’t take the bandages off, but it is only covering my head. I can still move around, and probably escape out of the window.

   I step one foot on the ground. I start feeling with my hands for the window, and then look out. I was about to jump until I felt someone tap my shoulder.

   “You do know that if you jump that would be Self Delete, right?” an unfamiliar voice said.

   “I think I can just land….” I protested.

   “Just come with us; we are just like you. There will be no reason to be shameful of yourself, for we are all the same.”

   “NO!” I screamed, “I am not a freak! I am normal! I deserve to be treated normal, too!”

   After this, I faint and fall down on the floor. The next morning I woke up, and the Doctor asked me if I want to take off the bandages now. I agreed, and then we walked steadily into another empty examination room.

   They slowly take off my bandages, one by one. As soon as they got first layer was off, I could see their outline. It was still very blurry. As the bandages were taken off, the image got clearer and clearer. As soon as the bandages were off, I screamed. The doctors were aliens! I quickly got on my feet and ran down the hallway. I look in a mirror on the wall; I was normal! I quickly opened a door and slid out, just to find another human. I rejoiced, now knowing that I am not alone. I tried to run with him, but he wouldn’t follow me.

   “Run! They are right behind me!” I shouted.

   The human nodded, “It is ok, you don’t have to run anymore.”

   “You know what those things are, right?”

   “Yes, they aren’t like us. I told you we were just like you. We all were randomly transported here, just like you. They allowed us to form a human colony on this planet once more humans started appearing.”

   “So they lied to me?”

   “Their ‘surgeries’ have failed. In this world, ugliness is our definition of beautiful, and beautiful being ugliness. I guess you can say, beauty is in the eye of the beholder.”


Sorry if the formatting got screwed up, Blockland Forums doesn't handle these things well.
« Last Edit: November 03, 2013, 10:27:46 AM by Johnny Blockhead »

... doesn't denote a pause or somebody's voice trailing off.

"Damn dude... wtf was that for." = wrong
"Well if you say so..." = wrong

It's always written as ". . ." and it's used to denote when something is omitted or someone is cut off mid sentence.

"Look out . . ." = correct
"Subject remained motionless for hours . . . He did not regain composure until the following morning." = correct

Quote
I shifted my body weight at this response. I don’t deserve this treatment. Why can’t I just be normal? Ever since I walked in front of that car, my life hasn’t been the same! At this point, I realized I’m not thinking anymore; I was shouting. The nurse hurried her pace, and gave me a shot. My vision gets blurry and I fall back on the bed.

Makes no sense. When does it ever specify that she was getting up out of the bed or leaning up? She was shifting her body weight but that doesn't imply she was getting up, then after the shot she falls down in the bed. I am confused.

Thanks.

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Okay, let me think of something. It should be some form of 'stopped shaking' instead of 'falling back in bed'

srsly
you completely ripped this off of twilight zone

This is a very, very short story and to be honest it's not very creative. I'd try implementing more creative elements (a replay of his horrible fate? just a dream? seriously, this isn't a b-movie; the ending is a bit... i mean, come on, a lesson? you practically had a dark horror story going and then you cut to a forgetin lesson? doesnt make any sense) and changing the ending (already went over that) and how long have you had on this project? you could have let me know earlier, I took a writing class and we were working on short stories constantly... and a short story is typically more than a page long, it's usually around 3 pages minimum, to about 60 pages most...

You said this was written in past tense, correct? The story keeps switching between past and present tense. Please fix that.

You said this was written in past tense, correct? The story keeps switching between past and present tense. Please fix that.
yeah this
I was rushing through the crowd, hurrying to get home. I started to feel dizzy, stumbling. I tried to keep walking. Suddenly I hear screeching. . .
bold shows past and present tenses in no specific order

". . ." and it's used to denote when . . . someone is cut off mid sentence.
i've always used "--" for when someone gets cutoff

tension

"was rushing" isn't present tense
"I hear" is definitely not past tense though.
unless you mean that there's past tense used twice and then a present tense?


Yeah I've seen this exact twilight zone episode

unless you mean that there's past tense used twice and then a present tense?
yeah that
basically what i was going for with
in no specific order

here's a list of things that I think should not be in present tense if the story is supposed to be past-tense

Suddenly I hear screeching. . .
Then, I wake up.

I hear what the surgeons are saying.
“We will have to put her in a place with her kind,” the doctor replies with disgust.
My vision gets blurry and I become unconscious.

I didn’t know what had happened, but then I hear the doctor.
I don’t even know what I look like; can I be that bad?
Once most of the people left, I plead, “Can I just see what I look like? Since the surgery failed, I don’t have many options. Before I get put in an asylum or something, I need to know what got me there in the first place.”

   I nod at this, and I hear the Doctor’s footsteps getting fainter and fainter. I start wondering… if I see myself and I truly am horrible, what would happen if I escaped in the middle of the night? As it gets later, I start thinking more abstract and unreasonable thoughts. Why do I even need to stay here right now? I know I can’t take the bandages off, but it is only covering my head. I can still move around, and probably escape out of the window.

I step one foot on the ground. I start feeling with my hands for the window, and then look out.
After this, I faint and fall down on the floor.
They slowly take off my bandages, one by one.
I look in a mirror on the wall; I was normal!

there's other present-tense stuff but it makes sense in the context i think
as in, it's okay to leave it in

dude this is an exact copy of the twilight zone
your teacher will notice it

hey he already turned it in guys