If a friend gave me their English essay and asked me to proofread it and make suggestions this is basically what I'd do. I don't have the time to go through and word all of my sentences passively and use wishy-washy phrases like "I think, I feel, please consider." So read it as a set of non-aggressive and constructive suggestions rather than a set of orders or complaints intended to point out absolutely every flaw. On
internet
I don't know if you have to turn in a copy of this or if your teacher cares about spelling or grammar, but the Internet is a proper noun and is always capitalized.
The internet and most computers got their start in the 1960’s when the U.S. military funded projects to create a backbone network for their computers. A backbone network links together various LANs or Local Area Networks. Local Area Networks, which are still used today, are a cluster of geographically nearby computers linked with their own infrastructure that allows high rates of data transfer and a great deal of reliability.
This video does a great job of summarizing the development of the Internet. Everyone is familiar with the ARPANET, although I think the British NPL network was also very important because of it's roots in commercial service. I don't think it's worth writing more then 2 or 3 sentences about the history of the Internet but you should check out the video anyway.
I don't really have a problem with this statement though so feel free to leave it as is.
It allows the servers (and subsequently networks) of large companies, small companies, personal computers, governments, schools, and a vast array of other networks to all be linked together with an elaborate physical and digital architecture.
You haven't introduced the concept of a server yet. Try something like "The Internet consists of the cables and machines that allow computers to talk to each other. The World Wide Web is just the small part of it that's visible to us, the interconnecting set of websites."
Within your house, you can use everything within your house with perfect ease, after all, it is your house and you are within it.
This sentence is a little awkward. Try "You can use anything in your house. It belongs to you so you don't need anybody else's permission." At the very least rephrase it to "You can use everything within your house you can use everything with perfect ease." The first "Within your house" and the third and fourth phrases "after all, it is your house and you are within it" is redundant. Within your house suggests that you are already in it. Be concise.
It requires very little infrastructure to get to your friend’s house. He is across the street, so you can just walk there. This is like a Local Area Network. Because a set of geographically close computers are, well, geographically close, you don’t need a vast and complicated infrastructure to access data between the two computers, usually a router and some Ethernet cables. Anything more would be like using a tram to get across the street: It’s inefficient to use rapid transit to move across the street.
Replace "Because a set of geographically close computer are, well, geographically close," with "When two computers are fairly close (within the same building) you don't need any complicated infrastructure to access data between the two computers." You should go on to give an example of a local area network: your own home network if you share the Internet or a school computer lab.
But let’s say you want to use your friend’s washing machine that lives on the other side of this vast metropolis. You probably first drive your car to a bus or subway station and have your friend pick you up and bring you back to his house. This is exactly what the internet is, or, rather the subway is the internet. It allows data to move throughout smaller networks in an efficient manner.
I don't drive my car to a bus and then have a friend pick me up there. I either drive a car to their house, take a bus or get on a subway train. Also, to encompass all of the situations you described, you should use the generic phrase "the Internet is your transportation to your friend's house."
The World Wide Web is the houses themselves and what is inside them. Now, how you get around between them so efficiently that we no longer think about it except when it doesn’t work is an entirely different and complicated thing.
Something like "Basically, the World Wide Web are the people and places you visit and the Internet is how you get from your house to your friend's house" might work better. In the sentence "Now, how you get around between them so efficiently that we no longer think about it except when it doesn’t work is an entirely different and complicated thing," the prepositional phrase "except when it doesn't work" kind of breaks up the sentence. In my own writing, if I suspect a sentence isn't clear, I break it down into chunks and start deleting them. If the sentence still makes sense after I deleted a large portion of it, then it is too long and I should look for a better way to introduce the information. In this instance the sentence "How you get around between them so efficiently is an entirely different thing," still makes sense so I would try and find a way to break it up. Maybe bump "We usually don't think of the Internet until it's not there. Maybe your favorite site is down or you can't access the Internet altogether" down as an introduction to the next paragraph.
Perhaps the most efficient way to approach the question of how the internet works is to start at the simplest thing you can do, it may seem: Type in a URL into your URL bar and hit enter. On my computer at home, it takes about half a second (if that) to load a page after I press enter. It’s really quite miraculous, considering everything that is going down as soon as you hit enter.
Basically the only place I use the term URL is when I'm typing out messages to you guys and entering the url bbcode for linking. When I talk to people I use the terms link and address. I call it an address bar. I don't know what you and your friends called it but I'm sure it's not url bar and I think it would be good if you adopted whatever language they used.
Now, I could get really, really complicated. Namely tracing all the electrical impulses through data cables, flashes of light through fiber optics and signals from satellites to satellite dishes. I will not, for the sake of time, I will however go into more detail than you could possibly require about where all the data goes.
It sounds like you're trying to insult your audience here. I know you're not, but try to avoid things like "I *could* get really complicated" because typically the next few words that follow equate to "but I'm not because it would be a waste of time on you simpletons." Just pretend things you don't want to talk about don't exist and suggest books for further reading that address the things you glossed over. For bonus points check to see if they are in your school library first, then tell people they
are in the library.
(most likely) phonetic word
All words are phonetic. A random strings of letters is an example of something that is not phonetic.
(which I’ll get into later, but they’re hard to remember with IPv4’s sequence of: xxx.xx.xxx.xxx and IPv6’s sequence of xxxx:xxx:x:xxxx:x:xxx:xx)
Come on, imagine you are reading this aloud to a group of people. "Hi. An IP follows the sequence of X X X dot X X X (you forgot an x, 192.169.1.100 is a valid IP), X X X dot X X X." Nobody is going to remember that. Try "a sequence of 4 numbers separated by periods. Each number is between 1-3 numbers." Then draw a few sample IP addresses on a board.
When you introduce the concepts of IPs and DNS servers, amaze everyone by telling them typing 72.14.204.104 into their browser will magically get them to google.
The highest layer, the Link layer, is the first connection between physical hardware and data. Next up is the Internet layer.
There should be nothing above the highest. Unless you were trying to say "next up" as in next up in a list, in which case just use next. Replace where you use the word "next" to introduce the transport layer with "then" so you don't repeat next again (which is why I assume you used next up in the first place).
So to sum up: when you press enter, you’re pinging (requesting information) through the Link and Transportation layers from the DNS. When the DNS returns the IP address, the data requested from the server located at the IP address used returns through the vast physical infrastructure of the internet. The data is interpreted by your browser and displayed on your screen, all within a second.
Don't introduce the word pinging. Just say you're fetching the IP address from the DNS server. Replace the word server with computer, unless you want to talk about servers too. You could put it put in your big brown townogy for the Internet, something like "we call the destination a server because they are giving you a service. Your computer is called the client, basically a customer."