I got so over stressed last year I almost hung myself. I never actually got to the stool though, I managed to talk myself out of it.
When I was eight months old my dad decided to have some surgery done that would do something about his acid reflux disease. It was an unnecessary procedure for something that, although I wouldn't know just how bad it was, I'm pretty sure would only slightly improve the quality of his life. I don't quite remember if was supposed to be a minor throat procedure or if it was heart surgery, but it was supposedly a really easy, common, worth it operation. From what my mom told me, it took an hour more than it was meant to and the surgeon was no where to be found after he was finished, but he lived through it. Until an hour later when my mom went home and the hospital called to tell her that he had just died.
I get to grow up nearly socially isolated. I managed to land some great friends who aren't nearly as judgmental as I suspect 3/4 of the kids in my school are, but really, I only really trust one of them. (OK, I don't blame all of my problems on not having a father, but that has to have contributed a lot. Babies with grieving widow mothers can't have it good.)
I've been doing a research paper of schizophrenia for school. I swear, I am schizophrenic. I read two 7 page articles on it that pretty much describe a lot of my issues. Most schizophrenics also usually have some sort of melt down where they lose all touch with reality for a while. Great, I have a giant, embarrassing, freaky hallucination to look forward to.
I'm tired of telling myself I'm too young to be concerned about this so I'm adding it anyway. I know how I feel.
The first school year where I have never had any girls talking to me was last year. Every single year, since first grade, I have at least one companion. In early elementary school I would always have the closest thing you can get to a girlfriend in early elementary school and now...
It's not all bad, I have one girl I talk to very rarely but I can never make up my mind on anyone. I have decided against at least five girls that probably wouldn't be interested in me anyway in less than a day.
I am lonely and it seems everyday I get worse and worse at any social interaction with anyone besides my best friend and my mom.
Not to mention I missed out on probably the nicest girl I have ever known a few years back because I couldn't say anything to the subtle indirect offers of affection I got from her constantly. She has moved... somewhere and I now count down the days to the three year anniversary of the last day I ever saw her. I can't even be content with it because of how much I could have hurt her feelings by being too scared to develop anything farther than the friendship we had.
