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Good?

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No
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Hell yes
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Total Members Voted: 13

Author Topic: The zero  (Read 2490 times)

This is a story i am writing:

Chapter 1
I sat on the cold steel bench in bleacher park as i awaited the city bus to pull up around the slightly-bent street lamp on the corner.The sound of the ships overhead rang in my eardrums. As the everyday patrols passed by, my friend Tom, who had joined the Alecaranian military's airforce, flung me a quarter and walked off around the building off to the far right with his unit, he said the day before that he'd leave the patrol and join the alecaranian fleet within 5 months. The gleam of the light reflecting off of the greenish-red bus blinded me for nearly a second. The bus stopped in front of the bus stop which was a few feet to the left.

As i entered the bus, the bearded grayish-cocasion bus driver looked my directly in the eyes and said "25 cents." in a raucous voice. I quickly took the quarter tom had gave me and slid it in the little coin slot near the radio with "25 cents" inprinted on it. I walked to the right side, 3rd seat down and sat. As the bus started off, i pulled out my mini computer and check my emails. After finding nothing in my inbox, i decided to put it away and look out the window, a patrol unit equipped with a bunch of C.R.A.G.s and M.T.R.C.R.s, an old woman walking her dog,A small droid cleaning the front steps of an office building,and an airport full of people and ships.
"Our city has it all" I thought. I stepped off the bus and walked to the beginning of the huge fleet of stairs on my apartment building.

I took my key out of my pocket and placed it in the lock on my apartment's door and opened the door slowly. As i walked in, i smelled the smell of pizza and cigarette smoke. My room-mate, jerry, was sleeping on the couch. I switched on the T.V. and flipped through the channels, i stopped on the news channel and watched an interview with Tom gunn, after a few minutes, i changed the channel to the movie channel and watched a documentary on the famous fleet commander, Captain huggums. An hour later, i heard a BOOM! coming from outside. "Ahhh!" Jerry woke up startled and plummeted onto the floor, i walked up to the window as the sky grew black.
To be continued

Good so far?
« Last Edit: April 09, 2010, 08:57:51 AM by goobler402 »

Taken*

Also, needs more less Austrailian feel


You got way too descriptive. Yes descriptive details are good, but there is a point were they just get annoying to read.

I could feel my braincells dieing.

I could feel my braincells dieing.
Ya, i didn't like it that much either.
I should probably fix it a little.

Things happened really too fast.


Ships make a zoom sound?


I don't like how you don't put a space after full stops.Like this.

NINJAEDIT: In-fact there is a lot of grammar mistakes. Not trying to be a grammar national socialist but if your writing a proper story it should have proper grammar.

NINJAEDITAFTERTHENINJAEDIT: The actual story is very good though, a tincy bit too much description though.
« Last Edit: April 07, 2010, 02:57:16 PM by Freeze »

Nu, a vroom sound.
I knew it.But of course i had to think "Or maybe it's a zoom sound.".

I was being sarcastic.
It needs a different noise.

God damnit, SPACE AFTER PUNCTUATION. (As in commas and periods)

God damnit, SPACE AFTER PUNCTUATION. (As in commas and periods)
Happy now?