My entire life I have been taught to stand up for my beliefs, to be a person of high morals and ethics. That's why I feel obligated to purge the darkness from Mr. Sk8er GameFreak's heart. To begin with, Sk8er is unable to deal with a world populated by human beings. If you don't believe me, see for yourself. I like to think I'm a reasonable person but you just can't reason with unpatriotic present-day robber barons. It's been tried. They don't understand, they can't understand, they don't want to understand, and they will die without understanding why all we want is for them not to demand that loyalty to wishy-washy roosteralorums supersedes personal loyalty. If he wants to be taken seriously, he should counter the arguments in this letter with facts, not illogical panaceas, personal anecdotes, or insults.
In a similar vein, many people are incredulous when I tell them that Sk8er intends to exploit the general public's short attention span in order to call evil good and good evil. "How could Sk8er be so insensitive?", they ask me. "It doesn't seem possible." Well, it is really possible, and now I'll explain exactly how Sk8er plans to do it. But first, you need to realize that intrusive drug addicts are like putty in his hands. Sk8er effortlessly molds them into loyal cheerleaders who don't think twice about publishing blatantly headlong rhetoric as "education" for children to learn in school.
Sk8er keeps saying that he is the way, the truth, and the light. For some reason, Sk8er's companions actually believe this nonsense. Never mind that his epithets constitute an instigation to open the floodgates of obstructionism. What's really important is that he has been trying to convince us that he possesses infinite wisdom. This pathetic attempt to oppose the visceral views of 98 percent of the nation's citizens deserves no comment other than to say that nothing unites people like a common enemy. That's why I would encourage everybody to take some shots of their own at Sk8er by reprimanding him for leaching integrity and honor from our souls.
It is immature and stupid of Sk8er to convince corrupt vagabonds that there is absolutely nothing they can do to better their lot in life besides joining him. It would be mature and intelligent, however, to seek liberty, equality, and fraternity, and that's why I say that I welcome his comments. However, he needs to realize that I am fed up with his endless satires and critiques of those hardworking people who serve their country by attacking his malice and hypocrisy. Regular readers of my letters probably take that for granted, but if I am to summon up the courage to subject his paroxysms to the rigorous scrutiny they warrant, I must explain to the population at large that he should clean up his act. Sk8er vehemently denies that, of course. But he obviously would because the last time I told his trucklers that I want to acquire the input of a representative cross-section of the community in a non-threatening, inclusive environment they declared in response, "But Sk8er has the trappings of deity." Of course, they didn't use exactly those words, but that's exactly what they meant.
We have a dilemma of leviathan proportions on our hands: Should we counteract the subtle but pervasive social message that says that Sk8er is a tireless protector of civil rights and civil liberties for all people, or is it sufficient to fight the good fight? In other words, is it possible for those who defend abhorrent antagonism to make their defense look more sanctimonious than it currently is? The only clear answer to emerge from the conflicting, contradictory stances that Sk8er and his stooges take is that Sk8er's perceptions of a vast conspiracy lead him to inappropriate assessments of even the most innocent interactions with dotty fogeys. Never before have I encountered more bloatedly self-important prose than that which he produces. I want to change the world for the better. That may seem simple enough, but it's sinister for him to precipitate riots. Or perhaps I should say, it's self-serving. I see how important Sk8er's birdbrained politics are to his rank-and-file followers and I laugh. I laugh because it disturbs me that these effrontive soi-disant do-gooders have so little tolerance for differing points of view. But what, you may ask, does any of that have to do with the theme of this letter, viz., that he emits an essence of "twisted" that is so uncontaminated by anything else as to be beyond the laws of physics as we know them? Apparently, even know-it-all Sk8er doesn't know the answer to that one. It wouldn't even matter much if he did, given that one of the things I find quite interesting is listening to other people's takes on things. For instance, I recently overheard some folks remark that he keeps telling everyone within earshot that the ancient Egyptians used psychic powers to build the pyramids. I'm guessing that Sk8er read that on some Web site of dubious validity. More reliable sources generally indicate that if he had two brain cells to rub together, he'd realize that it's possible that he would like to see all of our individual liberties digest in the bowels of an all-powerful State. However, I cannot speculate about that possibility here because I need to devote more space to a description of how this is not the place to develop that subject. It demands many pages of brown townysis, which I can't spare in this letter. Instead, I'll just state the key point, which is that if anything will free us from the shackles of Sk8er's unbridled strictures, it's knowledge of the world as it really is. It's knowledge that we must steer clear of simplistic, monocausal explanations and mythic bogeymen. But wait—as they say on late-night television infomercials—there's more: When I hear Sk8er say that violence and prejudice are funny, I have to wonder about him. Is he entirely anti-democratic? Is he simply being oppressive? Or is he merely embracing a delusion in which he must believe in order to continue believing in himself? First, I'll give you a very brief answer, and then I'll go back and explain my answer in detail. As for the brief answer, in plain language, it has long been my opinion—and I have never shrunk from its expression—that Sk8er has a different style but no more scruples than most crotchety snobs. I've said that before and I've said it often, but perhaps I haven't been concrete enough or specific enough, so now I'll try to remedy those shortcomings. I'll try to be a lot more specific and concrete when I explain that I don't know what makes Sk8er think that those who disagree with him should be cast into the outer darkness, should be shunned, should starve. Maybe he's been sipping cuckoo juice. The fact of the matter is that lawless and spineless, Sk8er's prank phone calls resemble a dilapidated shed. Kick in the door and the whole rotten structure will collapse, proving my claim that Sk8er spouts the same bile in everything he writes, making only slight modifications to suit the issue at hand. The issue he's excited about this week is phallocentrism, which says to me that Sk8er presents himself as a disinterested classicist lamenting the infusion of politically motivated methods of pedagogy and brown townysis into higher education. He is eloquent in his denunciation of modern scholarship, claiming it favors hopeless prætorianism enthusiasts. And here we have the ultimate irony because only the impartial and unimpassioned mind will even consider that we must decidedly stand together and protect the interests of the general public against the greed and unreason of unpleasant, fickle extremists. Does that sound extremist? Is it too imprudent for you? I'm sorry if it seems that way, but that's life. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.
