It all started when our star, JamestheLeet, woke up in a swamp. It was the fourth time it had happened. Feeling ridiculously frustrated, JamestheLeet attacked a sock, thinking it would make him feel better (but as usual, it did not). Soon afterward, he realized that his beloved rifle was missing! Immediately he called his neighbor, Night Fox. JamestheLeet had known Night Fox for (plus or minus) one million years, the majority of which were sassy ones. Night Fox was unique. He was outgoing though sometimes a little... annoying. JamestheLeet called him anyway, for the situation was urgent.
Night Fox picked up to a very glad JamestheLeet. Night Fox calmly assured him that most bunnies sigh before mating, yet marmots usually charismatically sigh *after* mating. He had no idea what that meant; he was only concerned with distracting JamestheLeet. Why was Night Fox trying to distract JamestheLeet? Because he had snuck out from JamestheLeet's with the rifle only five days prior. It was a curious little rifle... how could he resist?
It didn't take long before JamestheLeet got back to the subject at hand: his rifle. Night Fox cringed. Relunctantly, Night Fox invited him over, assuring him they'd find the rifle. JamestheLeet grabbed his television and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, Night Fox realized that he was in trouble. He had to find a place to hide the rifle and he had to do it aptly. He figured that if JamestheLeet took the '63 Comet, he had take at least eleven minutes before JamestheLeet would get there. But if he took the Mazda RX-7? Then Night Fox would be very screwed.
Before he could come up with any reasonable ideas, Night Fox was interrupted by two oafish aardvarks that were lured by his rifle. Night Fox turned red; 'Not again', he thought. Feeling stunned, he carefully reached for his spoon and thoughtfully attacked every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the bush, squealing with discontent. He exhaled with relief. That's when he heard the Mazda RX-7 rolling up. It was JamestheLeet.
----o0o----
As he pulled up, he felt a sense of urgency. He had had to make an unscheduled stop at IHOP to pick up a 12-pack of staplers, so he knew he was running late. With a hasty leap, JamestheLeet was out of the Mazda RX-7 and went sassily jaunting toward Night Fox's front door. Meanwhile inside, Night Fox was panicking. Not thinking, he tossed the rifle into a box of pencils and then slid the box behind his television. Night Fox was frustrated but at least the rifle was concealed. The doorbell rang.
'Come in,' Night Fox wildly purred. With a apt push, JamestheLeet opened the door. 'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some stupid idiot in a truck,' he lied. 'It's fine,' Night Fox assured him. JamestheLeet took a seat nearby where Night Fox had hidden the rifle. Night Fox sneezed trying unsuccessfully to hide his nervousness. 'Uhh, can I get you anything?' he blurted. But JamestheLeet was distracted. A few minutes later, Night Fox noticed a selfish look on JamestheLeet's face. JamestheLeet slowly opened his mouth to speak.
'...What's that smell?'
Night Fox felt a stabbing pain in his face when JamestheLeet asked this. In a moment of disbelief, he realized that he had hidden the rifle right by his oscillating fan. 'Wh-what? I don't smell anything..!' A lie. A dimwitted look started to form on JamestheLeet's face. He turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's paper clips from when she used to have pet beavers. She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. JamestheLeet nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before Night Fox could react, JamestheLeet deftly lunged toward the box and opened it. The rifle was plainly in view.
JamestheLeet stared at Night Fox for what what must've been ten microseconds. Almost immediately, Night Fox groped sassily in JamestheLeet's direction, clearly desperate. JamestheLeet grabbed the rifle and bolted for the door. It was locked. Night Fox let out a enchanting chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, JamestheLeet,' he rebuked. Night Fox always had been a little pestering, so JamestheLeet knew that reconciliation was not an option; he needed to escape before Night Fox did something crazy, like... start chucking butterknifes at him or something. Out of nowhere, he gripped his rifle tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.
Night Fox looked on, blankly. 'What the hell? That seemed excessive. The other door was open, you know.' Silence from JamestheLeet. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame four days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly he felt a tinge of concern for JamestheLeet. 'Oh. You ..okay?' Still silence. Night Fox walked over to the window and looked down. JamestheLeet was gone.
----o0o----
Just yonder, JamestheLeet was struggling to make his way through the swamp behind Night Fox's place. JamestheLeet had severely hurt his abdomen during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral aardvarks suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the rifle. One by one they latched on to JamestheLeet. Already weakened from his injury, JamestheLeet yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of aardvarks running off with his rifle.
About two hours later, JamestheLeet awoke, his neck throbbing. It was dark and JamestheLeet did not know where he was. Deep in the lonely desert, JamestheLeet was ridiculously lost. Subsequently, he remembered that his rifle was taken by the aardvarks. But at that point, he was just thankful for his life. That's when, to his horror, a teensy aardvark emerged from the cornfield. It was the alpha aardvark. JamestheLeet opened his mouth to scream but was cut short when the aardvark sunk its teeth into JamestheLeet's leg. With a faint groan, the life escaped from JamestheLeet's lungs, but not before he realized that he was a failure.
Less than three miles away, Night Fox was entombed by anguish over the loss of the rifle. 'MY PRECIOUS!!' he cried, as he reached for a sharpened butterknife. With a skillful thrust, he buried it deeply into his foot. As the room began to fade to black, he thought about JamestheLeet... wishing he had found the courage to tell him that he loved him. But he would die alone that day. All that remained was the rifle that had turned them against each other, ultimately causing their demise. And as the dew on melancholy sappling branches began to reflect the dawn's reddish glare, all that could be heard was the chilling cry of distant aardvarks, desecrating all things sacred to virtuous men, and perpetuating an evil that would reign for centuries to come. Our heroes would've lived unhappily ever after, but they were too busy being dead. So, no one lived forever after, the end. :'(
Just a story that I generated.
http://www.the-elite.net/---/story/Happy version:
It all started when our hero, JamestheLeet, woke up in a bush. It was the sixth time it had happened. Feeling alarmingly exasperated, JamestheLeet attacked a butterknife, thinking it would make him feel better (but as usual, it did not). Subsequently, he realized that his beloved rifle was missing! Immediately he called his acquaintance, Night Fox. JamestheLeet had known Night Fox for (plus or minus) 20 years, the majority of which were exotic ones. Night Fox was unique. He was outgoing though sometimes a little... stupid. JamestheLeet called him anyway, for the situation was urgent.
Night Fox picked up to a very unctuous JamestheLeet. Night Fox calmly assured him that most puppies sigh before mating, yet marmots usually scandalously belch *after* mating. He had no idea what that meant; he was only concerned with distracting JamestheLeet. Why was Night Fox trying to distract JamestheLeet? Because he had snuck out from JamestheLeet's with the rifle only four days prior. It was a exotic little rifle... how could he resist?
It didn't take long before JamestheLeet got back to the subject at hand: his rifle. Night Fox yawned. Relunctantly, Night Fox invited him over, assuring him they'd find the rifle. JamestheLeet grabbed his television and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, Night Fox realized that he was in trouble. He had to find a place to hide the rifle and he had to do it deftly. He figured that if JamestheLeet took the Pontiac Aztec, he had take at least seven minutes before JamestheLeet would get there. But if he took the Mazda RX-7? Then Night Fox would be excessively screwed.
Before he could come up with any reasonable ideas, Night Fox was interrupted by five pestering aardvarks that were lured by his rifle. Night Fox turned red; 'Not again', he thought. Feeling stunned, he fearlessly reached for his oven mitt and fearlessly groped every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the cornfield, squealing with discontent. He exhaled with relief. That's when he heard the Mazda RX-7 rolling up. It was JamestheLeet.
----o0o----
As he pulled up, he felt a sense of urgency. He had had to make an unscheduled stop at IHOP to pick up a 12-pack of oven mitts, so he knew he was running late. With a hasty leap, JamestheLeet was out of the Mazda RX-7 and went exotically jaunting toward Night Fox's front door. Meanwhile inside, Night Fox was panicking. Not thinking, he tossed the rifle into a box of oven mitts and then slid the box behind his coffee table. Night Fox was puzzled but at least the rifle was concealed. The doorbell rang.
'Come in,' Night Fox exotically purred. With a deft push, JamestheLeet opened the door. 'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some annoying idiot in a Daewoo,' he lied. 'It's fine,' Night Fox assured him. JamestheLeet took a seat outside where Night Fox had hidden the rifle. Night Fox cringed trying unsuccessfully to hide his nervousness. 'Uhh, can I get you anything?' he blurted. But JamestheLeet was distracted. Almost immediately, Night Fox noticed a insensitive look on JamestheLeet's face. JamestheLeet slowly opened his mouth to speak.
'...What's that smell?'
Night Fox felt a stabbing pain in his foot when JamestheLeet asked this. In a moment of disbelief, he realized that he had hidden the rifle right by his oscillating fan. 'Wh-what? I don't smell anything..!' A lie. A pestering look started to form on JamestheLeet's face. He turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's salt shakers from when she used to have pet marmots. She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. JamestheLeet nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before Night Fox could react, JamestheLeet fearlessly lunged toward the box and opened it. The rifle was plainly in view.
JamestheLeet stared at Night Fox for what what must've been ten nanoseconds. Without warning, Night Fox groped scandalously in JamestheLeet's direction, clearly desperate. JamestheLeet grabbed the rifle and bolted for the door. It was locked. Night Fox let out a electric chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, JamestheLeet,' he rebuked. Night Fox always had been a little clueless, so JamestheLeet knew that reconciliation was not an option; he needed to escape before Night Fox did something crazy, like... start chucking socks at him or something. All of a sudden, he gripped his rifle tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.
Night Fox looked on, blankly. 'What the hell? That seemed excessive. The other door was open, you know.' Silence from JamestheLeet. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame ten days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly he felt a tinge of concern for JamestheLeet. 'Oh. You ..okay?' Still silence. Night Fox walked over to the window and looked down. JamestheLeet was gone.
----o0o----
Just yonder, JamestheLeet was struggling to make his way through the moor behind Night Fox's place. JamestheLeet had severely hurt his neck during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral aardvarks suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the rifle. One by one they latched on to JamestheLeet. Already weakened from his injury, JamestheLeet yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of aardvarks running off with his rifle.
But then God came down with His intelligent smile and restored JamestheLeet's rifle. Feeling worried, God smote the aardvarks for their injustice. Then He got in His Vette and zipped away with the fortitude of 153 beavers running from a enlarged pack of bunnies. JamestheLeet danced with joy when he saw this. His rifle was safe. It was a good thing, too, because in ten minutes his favorite TV show, Bill O'Reilly, was going to come on (followed immediately by 'When puppies meet weapon of mass destruction'). JamestheLeet was overjoyed. And so, everyone except Night Fox and a few weapon of mass destruction-toting puppies lived blissfully happy, forever after.
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