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Author Topic: Death's Embrace - Chapter 1 [9/21/2010]  (Read 1551 times)

EDIT: Latest work - http://forum.blockland.us/index.php?topic=129230.0

Anyways here's a short little, cliche story I'm working on. I'm not the greatest writer but I hope you enjoy it.

Also chapter 1 may not be clear. It's more of a prologue, the story will become more clear in later chapters.

Chapter 1
         "We shouldn't be here!" a harsh whisper erupts from behind me. "Just shut the hell up, if there's any chance Joe's still alive we're not going anywhere!" I scold the source of the voice as I look over my shoulder, "Now hand me the dam flashlight." I feel the smooth grip of the small pocket flashlight as I fumble around for the switch. It slowly flickers on and illuminates the room as I quickly clasp my hand over my mouth to stop myself from vomitting. There we stood, gazing at Joe's corpse and his blood painted on the metal walls.

   "Kyle, give me the gun!" I scream, knowing that our stealth was futile to begin with. Kyle quickly grabs the Baretta M9 from his slingpack and tosses it over for me to catch it but it slips through my hands. "stuff!" I murmur to myself, I never was good at sports. I retrieve the gun and I brace myself for our enemy. Suddenly a silhouette appears in the doorway and I land a perfect shot in which the man's head responds by exploding into pieces of gore. Good thing I took up to the shooting range radther than sports. My courage is then broken when I realize a fifteen bullet clip won't stop a hoard of charging beasts that come sprinting through the doorway.

   I run over to Kyle and I search the contents of his bag. After a quick, succesful search I remove a frag grenade from the pack. "Get out of here! We'll never make it out of her together!" I command as I aim the gun towards him before he has a chance to argue, "I said go!" He finally subjects to my demands and begins to sprint towards the exit and I'm left alone to fend off the hoard. The small clip in my firearm quickly dwindles and I'm left unarmed. "I loving hate zombies..." I sigh to myself as I pull the pin on the grenade. I already lead enough people to their death, I'm not going to let Kyle get added to that list. A buff male then jumps on me, pinning me to the floor and I finally get a good look as his face. Joe... I'm sorry. I clutch the grenade in my hand, "Please forgive me..."
« Last Edit: September 23, 2010, 07:15:13 PM by keonesan »

you should just have a "Keo's literature" thread.

you should just have a "Keo's literature" thread.

Probably a good idea but I abandoned the Amber story.

Anyways, feedback?


It's rather short. Sort of the thing you should expand upon before bringing it here.

Now hand me the dam

Edit: Oh nevermind I get it. "hand me the dam flashlight." :/

It's rather short. Sort of the thing you should expand upon before bringing it here.

You're probably right. I'll try to get chapter 2 out as fast as I can.


, "Now hand me the dam flashlight." I feel

Bump? I require feedback as I wish to improve my writing.

You're a natural keonesan.
« Last Edit: September 22, 2010, 06:09:42 PM by Evan5626 »

You're a natural keonesan.
You deserve to be an author and I'm sure you'll be successful.
The only thing I might change would be to not use zombies as ALL the subject, as it is really repetitive.

That's why I said I'm making a CLICHE story. Also I don't plan on being an author. I just want to improve my writing skills.

That's why I said I'm making a CLICHE story. Also I don't plan on being an author. I just want to improve my writing skills.

I thought I made a heart-felt comment :c.

Forget what I said about the zombies, and the part about being an author.

I thought I made a heart-felt comment :c.

Forget what I said about the zombies, and the part about being an author.

I didn't mean to offend you. In fact I really enjoyed the compliment, thanks. I'm just saying though.


You're a natural keonesan.


I wouldn't go as far as to say that he should be an author, at least not YET. Vast improvements are required.