So, the situation went from stuffty ass mother loving situation to oh my god my dad is happy and Droids for everyone.
My dad and I went to the Verizon stores today that were close by and looked at prices for the phone I originally wanted, the Droid X, in-store. I saw online there were $200 in store, so I saved up 100 and my dad agreed to pay half. However we walked in, examined the price tags and we both stuff our pants. They were 265 after the mail-in rebate which is the dumbest thing ever so every phone would have cost $365 which easily would have shot the price tag for the new plan and phones and accessories easily over a grand.
My dad noticed this and we went home to look it up online. It was far less including the fifty bucks my dad got off for being the primary phone and -$100 for the online rebate on every phone, so that's $200 for my dad and $150 for my sister and I. The plan was still $100 more every month, so he called them up to discuss plans. He was insanely happy when he found out that when the salesperson took off another $100 off of his and $50 off of ours (dads is now $50, sister and I $100) so he added his girlfriend to his plan with another Droid and upgraded his plan to unlimited Internet and text with free minutes 7pm-7am and weekends with 500 every other time. Altogether, the plan is only $200 for new phones.
I am so happy.
I went from this mega piece of stuff that everyone I know who has it hates, including myself,

to this lovey ass motherforgeter with the best reviews I've ever seen on a phone,

Specs:

...and they'll be here Wednesday. Also I gave my dad $100 for mine and seeing as how it wasn't nearly as much I got $25 back, including tax and insurance and everything.
Overall, greatest news in a while. Sorry for stuffty grammar and everything.