And so it starts:
It all started when our adventure-loving...adventurer, Porto, woke up in a secret vineyard. It was the first time it had happened. Feeling alarmingly displeased, Porto grabbed a dull pencil, thinking it would make him feel better (but as usual, it did not). With fist clenched and teeth gnashed, he realized that his beloved Rainbow Dye was missing! Immediately he called his favorite rape victim, Lub. Porto had known Lub for (plus or minus) half a million years, the majority of which were striking ones. Lub was unique. He was charismatic though sometimes a little... oafish. Porto called him anyway, for the situation was urgent.
Lub picked up to a very unctuous Porto. Lub calmly assured him that most man-eating capybaras turn red before mating, yet albino cats usually wildly turn red *after* mating. He had no idea what that meant; he was only concerned with distracting Porto. Why was Lub trying to distract Porto? Because he had snuck out from Porto's with the Rainbow Dye only ten days prior. It was a eccentric little Rainbow Dye... how could he resist?
It didn't take long before Porto got back to the subject at hand: his Rainbow Dye. Lub panicked. Relunctantly, Lub invited him over, assuring him they'd find the Rainbow Dye. Porto grabbed his George Foreman grill and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, Lub realized that he was in trouble. He had to find a place to hide the Rainbow Dye and he had to do it carefully. He figured that if Porto took the tricycle, he had take at least seven minutes before Porto would get there. But if he took the RapeMobile? Then Lub would be really screwed.
Before he could come up with any reasonable ideas, Lub was interrupted by four stupid creep Bears that were lured by his Rainbow Dye. Lub shuddered; 'Not again', he thought. Feeling puzzled, he aptly reached for his wolverine and skillfully groped every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the secret vineyard, squealing with discontent. He exhaled with relief. That's when he heard the RapeMobile rolling up. It was Porto.
----o0o----
As he pulled up, he felt a sense of urgency. He had had to make an unscheduled stop at Wal-Mart to pick up a 12-pack of ripened avocados, so he knew he was running late. With a calculated leap, Porto was out of the RapeMobile and went scandalously jaunting toward Lub's front door. Meanwhile inside, Lub was panicking. Not thinking, he tossed the Rainbow Dye into a box of bananas and then slid the box behind his elephant. Lub was pleased but at least the Rainbow Dye was concealed. The doorbell rang.
'Come in,' Lub surreptitiously purred. With a hasty push, Porto opened the door. 'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some annoying spite-toting jerk in a curb-jumping ghetto sled (Impala),' he lied. 'It's fine,' Lub assured him. Porto took a seat exotically proximate to where Lub had hidden the Rainbow Dye. Lub sighed trying unsuccessfully to hide his nervousness. 'Uhh, can I get you anything?' he blurted. But Porto was distracted. Before anyone could take off their pants, Lub noticed a dimwitted look on Porto's face. Porto slowly opened his mouth to speak.
'...What's that smell?'
Lub felt a stabbing pain in his ear when Porto asked this. In a moment of disbelief, he realized that he had hidden the Rainbow Dye right by his oscillating fan. 'Wh-what? I don't smell anything..!' A lie. A abrasive look started to form on Porto's face. He turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's potatos from when she used to have pet long-haired sea monkeys. She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. Porto nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before Lub could react, Porto skillfully lunged toward the box and opened it. The Rainbow Dye was plainly in view.
Porto stared at Lub for what what must've been five nanoseconds. Ever so extemperaneously, Lub groped surreptitiously in Porto's direction, clearly desperate. Porto grabbed the Rainbow Dye and bolted for the door. It was locked. Lub let out a saucy chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, Porto,' he rebuked. Lub always had been a little clueless, so Porto knew that reconciliation was not an option; he needed to escape before Lub did something crazy, like... start chucking potatos at him or something. Giggling like schoolgirl, he gripped his Rainbow Dye tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.
Lub looked on, blankly. 'What the hell? That seemed excessive. The other door was open, you know.' Silence from Porto. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame four days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly he felt a tinge of concern for Porto. 'Oh. You ..okay?' Still silence. Lub walked over to the window and looked down. Porto was gone.
----o0o----
Just yonder, Porto was struggling to make his way through the bush behind Lub's place. Porto had severely hurt his scalp during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral creep Bears suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the Rainbow Dye. One by one they latched on to Porto. Already weakened from his injury, Porto yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of creep Bears running off with his Rainbow Dye.
About nine hours later, Porto awoke, his taint throbbing. It was dark and Porto did not know where he was. Deep in the inhospitable disease-infested jungle, Porto was exceedingly lost. A few freaknasty minutes later, he remembered that his Rainbow Dye was taken by the creep Bears. But at that point, he was just thankful for his life. That's when, to his horror, a enlarged creep Bear emerged from the foxy forest. It was the alpha creep Bear. Porto opened his mouth to scream but was cut short when the creep Bear sunk its teeth into Porto's taint. With a faint groan, the life escaped from Porto's lungs, but not before he realized that he was a failure.
Less than eleven miles away, Lub was entombed by anguish over the loss of the Rainbow Dye. 'MY PRECIOUS!!' he cried, as he reached for a sharpened wolverine. With a apt thrust, he buried it deeply into his scalp. As the room began to fade to black, he thought about Porto... wishing he had found the courage to tell him that he loved him. But he would die alone that day. All that remained was the Rainbow Dye that had turned them against each other, ultimately causing their demise. And as the dew on melancholy sappling branches began to reflect the dawn's reddish glare, all that could be heard was the chilling cry of distant creep Bears, desecrating all things sacred to virtuous men, and perpetuating an evil that would reign for centuries to come. Our heroes would've lived unhappily ever after, but they were too busy being dead. So, no one lived forever after, the end. :'(
LOLz!!1
