Hi internet
mood: frustrated
So today my brother won an award for how good he does at his job, and we had lunch together to celebrate, and I was like ok great, but now that I look back on it I'm a little bitter that he's doing so great at his job and meantime I don't even have one. I mean I know that's my fault and not his, and I don't know if I don't look like I'm trying very hard to other people, but from inside my own head I'm working my butt off and trying as hard as I can. It just makes me kinda bitter that how far we get somewhere in a certain thing doesn't seem to have a lot to do with how badly we want it, there's things that come easy to me but I don't really want to pursue them and other things that I obsess over and I can't really make any headway.
I ended that blockland server and it's yet one more thing that needs finishing touches before it can go to release. I swear I have loads of unfinished projects like anybody but now I have at least as many things "ready to finish" as I have things actually released. But when you do the 90% of the work you're interested in that last 10% to get total strangers who can't script or use the console able to use it just doesn't really appeal to me so I procrastinate on them forever. I said I was gonna release this mod but really at this point I have no idea when that's going to happen because I need to simplify and standardize the game setup process and the slash commands and then pack it up in an add-on... just like my other projects. I made a working deathmatch bot a YEAR ago and it's still only mine. Hell I didn't even want to make it; I wanted a game mode with a DM bot and there was none for me to adapt, so I had to make my own! What if someone else out there feels the same way? And here I've got one and I'm not putting it out there.
Really I don't know why I even bother anyway. I still have trouble genuinely believing I'm ever going to get a job in video games no matter how much I grind away at personal projects. Maybe if I spent 5% of my modding time on making videos of the mods that explain my process, but that's the problem with being so passionate: I'd rather do the job activity alone for nothing than do other things that will help me actually land the job. And that's ignoring all my motivation and focus problems (I don't have ADD - I got something else, but I'm apparently hard to classify). I guess it would be easier if I got one phone call from one company ever ever. Effectively here wouldn't be a difference, but it might be a kind of emotional support to have proof that yes, someone has actually read my resumé. Aside from that time that they threatened to call the cops if I showed up at their offices. I like wording it that way because it makes it sound worse than it is, but it's technically true.
At least my parents have one kid that seems to be doing okay. As for me, it's been a long forgetin' 6 1/2 years, and it ain't over yet, but there's a light at the end of the tunnel that I couldn't see at all two years ago. Here's hopin'.
