I know surprisingly little about Awsombazooka. I know nothing about his background or lineage. I do not know where Awsombazooka was educated or what he has done besides promote his conscienceless substitute for morality, which defines as illogical any attempt to express our concerns about his mendacious initiatives. Nevertheless, I can tell you all that you need to know about him. It may help if I begin my discussion by relating an innocuous story in order to illustrate my point: A few days ago I was arguing with a slatternly prig who was insisting that Awsombazooka's opinions represent the opinions of the majority—or even a plurality. I tried to convince this self-indulgent mythomaniac that if Awsombazooka wanted to, he could help twisted fugitives evade capture by the authorities. He could thrust all of us into scenarios rife with personal animosities and petty resentments. And he could feed us a fanciful load of horse manure as unassailable truth. We must truly not allow Awsombazooka to do any of these.
The fact is, Awsombazooka likes leaving behind a legacy of perpetual indebtedness in developing countries. That's the most damnable thing about him. It's also why I can guarantee the readers of this letter that Awsombazooka says he's going to prostrate the honor, power, independence, laws, and property of entire countries sooner or later. Good old Awsombazooka. He just loves to open his mouth and let all kinds of things come out without listening to how blowsy they sound.
How dare Awsombazooka criticize my values when his are so obviously ophidian? He is hooked on designer victimology but fails to notice the real victims: the entire next generation. To be fair, he recently claimed that he is known for his sound judgment, unerring foresight, and sagacious adaptation of means to ends. I would have found this comment shocking had I not heard similar garbage from him a hundred times before. I am, of course, referring to a recent occurrence that is so well-known it requires no comment except to add that every so often you'll see Awsombazooka lament, flog himself, cry mea culpa for labeling everyone he doesn't like as a tribal, loveist, fascist, communist, or some equally terrible "-ist", and vow never again to be so annoying. Sadly, he always reverts to his old behavior immediately afterwards, making me think that he is not only immoral but amoral. My wish to be polite notwithstanding, I must remark that it's best to ignore most of the quotes that he so frequently cites. Awsombazooka takes quotes out of context; uses misleading, irrelevant, and out-of-date quotes; and presents quotes from legitimate authorities used misleadingly to support contentions that they did not intend and that are not true. In short, an injustice anywhere is an injustice everywhere. Keep that in mind the next time you catch Awsombazooka confusing, befuddling, and neutralizing public opposition. I have just enough stomach left to address one last instance of Awsombazooka's vindictive imbecility: He sincerely believes that it is patriotic to encourage young people to break all the rules, cut themselves loose from their roots, and adopt an insensitive lifestyle.
