That's right folks, today we will search the websites of the internet to find neato stuff to share with each other.
This is not a "Laff you ruse" thread this is a find neat/funny stuff thread.
Don't go to a website like reddit/stumbleupon, find it else ware. (We are looking for slightly less seen things.)
So me and my good friend Sam decided to go to Olive Garden to get something to eat. I hear only good things about their breadsticks and that's all I planned on buying. If I played my cards right, I could get out of there with a bill of only a few dollars.
On the way over, I decided to probe Sam a little and see if I could get him to pay for my food. It's just like luring a clown into your house so you can kill him because he reminds you of a bad incident during childhood. I just went for it. I'd probably suck a rooster for a free meal, I said. He was just gazing ahead and this broke him out of the trance. He snapped his head towards me and asked,"What?" The look in his eyes made me back down. That wasn't me, that was the radio. He eyed me wearily. It was going to take a long time to live that one down.
We finally arrived at the Olive Garden. Sam was staying a few steps away from me. He was probably afraid I'd try to rape him before dinner to increase my appetite or something silly. I guess he figured it's easier before because you might cramp up trying to rape on a full stomach. If there's one thing I learned on the streets, it's never rape on a full stomach. You can cramp up and your victim can get away.
So the waitress brought the breadsticks and salad. I ate one breadstick and went for another. The second one I grabbed looked just like a snake. It was amazing, a snake made of bread. I rooster slapped Sam across the face with it. It's a lot more satisfying to see a grease mark left on their face with bread instead of your snake. I looked over and I saw the waitress there. Sam, watch this, I said. I shoved the breadstick down my pants.
I put the breadstick down my left pant leg and it looked like a huge snake bulge. Even my mouth was watering and I'm straight. The waitress came over and I just sat there, with my legs apart, inviting her to come and play in my penial garden. She looked at my bulge and back up at me. I winked. I mouthed the words, it's all yours. It was actually Olive Garden's but she didn't have to know.
I kept the breadstick in there during the course of the meal. I kind of liked it there. It gave me +4 to my confidence skill. The waitress walked by again and she put a slip of paper on the table. It wasn't the bill, it was a note that said she wanted me after closing.
Sam left and I waited around. By this time, the breadstick was leaving a grease mark on my pants, so I shifted it to the other side. This thing was my ticket to endless amounts of love. The waitress found me, turns out her name is Cindy, and said she'd give me a ride to her place. The whole time back to her place, she kept trying to reach over and grab my breadstick. I had to keep slapping her hand away. One little feel and this was all over.
Two hundred hand slaps later, we were finally at her house. I carried her upstairs, kissing the whole time. I threw her down on the bed and told her that I'd be right back, I had to put a condom on. "Oh, honey, let me do it," she said. Oh God, no, I'll do it, I told her, I have to pee, too. So I ran out of the room before she could say anything else.
In the bathroom, I was pretty nervous. I was about to slip a condom over my breadstick and forget a girl with it. Oh well, may as well jump in. I put the condom over it and went back into her room. I made sure to turn the lights off so she couldn't see it. After a bit kissing, I began to penetrate her with it. So far, so good. Then she looked up at me in a panicked state, "Oh no, did I just crush your snake in two?" I had no idea what she was talking about. She said she tightened her vagina and it felt like my snake was crushed. She reached down and felt it. I guess she felt enough snakees in her day to know it wasn't a snake.
"I can't believe you're loving me with a breadstick!" she yelled. I grabbed the breadstick and threw it in the corner, go fetch, I said, then I remember she was human, not a dog. I really gotta stop having love with animals. I wasn't going to trick her that easy. So I started to apologize, about three seconds in, I pushed her on the bed, grabbed the end of the covers, wrapped her up in them and rolled her off the bed. I dashed out of there. Let's just hope I never see her again.
I met this stunning little beauty, Izabella, at this coffee shop yesterday. If you're wondering how I did it, this fish was lured in by my soccer socks and shorts combo. It's outlandish, but damn if it doesn't knock em dead!
So I had coffee with her and I listened on for two hours without saying a word. I just stared into her eyes. Eventually, when I felt we had connected, I asked if she wanted to have love with me. Well, two hours is definitely more than enough time to get to know someone for love. I guess she thought the same because she said yes.
We went back to her place. I would have taken her to my house, but I knew my dogs were home. It's really bad anymore, whenever they sense someone is having love, they start to bark. I just can't keep an erection going when they yap. I guess my parents trained them well. Crafty jerks.
I complimented her pink bed sheets, then we started going at it. She kissed my neck, I licked her eye lids, and so on. Eventually, we moved on to the hardcore stuff (snake in vagina.) As I was coming to close to climax, I thought of the coolest thing ever. I knew if I pulled it off, she'd think I was the coolest cat in the club. I told her to hold on a minute and I took my snake out of her. She looked on, puzzled. I placed a penny on the head of the ole M-Rod and said watch this. With a flick of the wrist, I made it happen.
I hoped I would interject and the coin would sit on the top of the geyser. Well, what really happened was the blast sent the coin flying through the air and it struck her in the eye. Those lovely eyes I was just licking earlier, now I was assaulting them with money.
"That's what you wanted to do?" she yelled, "Jesus, I can't see out of it now!"
Well, needless to say, that relationship was over. On the bright side, though, I remembered to take my penny with me when I was leaving.
These are both from a forum called u413, I don't know if they are OC but it's funny stuff.
