Modern Fairy Tale
“This is a screwed up fairy tale, follow along if you can.”
Mr. Jump was a silly little man. Despite his name, he had never, ever, jumped in his entire life. Not even in Gym. Which they make you jump a lot. But that’s not important, what is, however, is what Mr. Jump does. Mr. Jump crawls all over the place, even up walls, why? Nobody really knows or cares, mostly because Mr. Jump is invisible. If he wasn’t invisible, then most people would be screaming at some giant 10 foot monster with 5 eyeballs climbing up the side of a building. Oh, did I mention Mr. Jump is a 10 foot monster weighing over 500 pounds with 5 eyes? I probably should have mentioned that, but I do get off task sometimes. Anyway, this is a tale about a man who could see Mr. Jump, named Dr. Purpleface. His name, oddly enough like everyone else in this story, has nothing to do with his face, which is green.
One day, when Dr. Purpleface was working on some lab tests to find a cure for Pumpkin disease, which slowly transformed you into a Watermelon, he found an odd thing outside of his window, a giant 10 foot monster crawling around. He said “How odd. A 10 foot monster.” Then gave it no more thought. He was awfully busy since his son, Cranberryface (who had a lime for a face) had recently blown up a small village with lizards in them. Dr. Purpleface was reciting what he would say to his son in his head. “Son, I’m not mad you committed lizard genocide, I’m just… disappointed.” Yes! That would work. Dr. Purpleface went home and his day was perfectly fine, until a man who called himself Mogarf, pushed Dr. Purpleface into an open manhole, then screamed at Dr. Purpleface, “MY NAME IS MOGARF, I PUSHED YOU INTO AN OPEN MANHOLE. DEAL WITH IT.” Dr. Purpleface was okay with it, as he got shoved into open manholes daily. I forgot how long this story is supposed to be, so I’ll just do 4 paragraphs. That should be enough if you’re not dead from reading this terrible story.
Anyway, while Dr. Purpleface was rummaging around in the sewers, he found a strange object splashing around. It was a turtle (fish) in the sewers! “Hello, little fella, you want some fish candy?” Dr. Purpleface gave the fish some candy and it caught on fire, grew legs and arms, punched Dr. Purpleface in his green face, then ran away. “Oops, silly me! That was my experimental fish brain acceleration device! Guess that’s another for the animal control to catch!” Dr. Purpleface soon found his house and flushed himself up the toilet (don’t ask) and met up with his family, had a talk with his son about lizard genocide, ate dinner (which composed of a burning fish with arms and legs).
After all that, Dr. Purpleface was tired, smelly, and his breath reeked of burning fish. Burning fish is NOT a pleasant smell, trust me on this. Dr. Purpleface wanted to read another book, but he was too tired. “Time for bed.” He said.
…
“Dad, why was that such a terrible story?” A small boy asked his dad. “I have no idea, son. The author was terrible and I really don’t see why this was published as a children’s book. Lizard genocide is messed up.” Said the father. “…Dad, what’s Lizard genocide?” asked the boy. “You’ll learn when you’re older, son.” Replied the father. “Goodnight.” The lights went out.
