[Online Novel] Horizon

[keonesan]

http://dl.dropbox.com/u/25215799/book.pdf

I am working on a book just for the fun of it. Not trying to do anything professional. Feel free to read the first two chapters and tell me what you think so far.

Completion
Chapter 1: Completed
Chapter 2: Revising
Chapter 3-?: Not Started

Summary
Jacob and Kate are not related by blood but are viewed as brother and sister. They were born into poverty and Kate's father died of an unknown disease. In order to survive, the two took on the role of thieves, stealing food to live each day. Under strange circumstances Kate was accused of murder and sentenced to death. Jacob in turn was sold into slavery and shipped from his small island to the main land. There, Jacob learns how to survive in the foreign area and cope with Kate's death.

EDIT: Can't read PDFs? http://get.adobe.com/reader/

[Ad Bot]

[Comatose]

10/10 would read again

[Mega-Bear]

Three chapters in eight pages. Not good.

[keonesan]

Three chapters in eight pages. Not good.

Chapters aren't really going to be lengthy and chapter 3 isn't even started yet.

[The Russian]

I think it's nice. Can I be your personal editor?

[keonesan]

I think it's nice. Can I be your personal editor?

You've pretty much have been. Also lol, "Sale". You know what I mean.

[The Russian]

You've pretty much have been. Also lol, "Sale". You know what I mean.

Keo please don't sale me into slavery. That would be very bad. Worse then selling me into slavery.

[.:FancyPants:.]

"The two men then clapsed into each others' arms."
"how old she's grown"
" 'Dammit, we slept in.' "

[keonesan]

"The two men then clapsed into each others' arms."

clasped past participle, past tense of clasp (Verb)
1. Grasp (something) tightly with one's hand: "he clasped her arm"

You wouldn't clasped "into" something. You also spelled it wrong. That sentence was perfectly fine to begin with.

"how old she's grown"

"She's" doesn't only show possession. It can act as "she has". That sentence was also fine.

" 'Dammit, we slept in.' "

I'll have to give you that one but I doubt a comma is going to kill anyone.

[.:FancyPants:.]

Eh, just giving you what felt wrong in my head as I read it.
But Im too young to know a lot about writing stories, so yeah.

[keonesan]

Eh, just giving you what felt wrong in my head as I read it.
But Im too young to know a lot about writing stories, so yeah.

Don't get me wrong, I appreciate that you took the time to help and proofread.

Also why the hell is nobody reading this. I want feedback before I go and start writing more chapters.

[keonesan]

Bump? :s

[PrototypeCow]

Very nice so far. Nice diction and literary terms. keep writing!

[The Russian]

Keo is an emo and cuts himself because he thinks his book is bad.

[Mega-Bear]

Keo is an emo and cuts himself because he thinks his book is bad.

what