Author Topic: The Assorted Writings of Firecycle.  (Read 890 times)

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Feel free to rate x/11 Actually, just tell me everything wrong with my writing. No joke.
« Last Edit: January 25, 2012, 06:46:54 PM by Firecycle »

Bystander

It was absurd. The only thing I can think when I try to make sense of what had happened is that it couldn't have happened.

It started at the coffee shop, the one around the corner. My very presence there was an anomaly in it's own right. I never went into that place, their coffee had a bitter, rancid taste that burned all the way down ones throat as if it was gasoline that had been put through a coffee machine. It was owned by the local fat cat Nikolo Bauer, the CEO of a Pharmaceutical Empire that had planted itself in the small town of Roving Heights and launched a conquest on all the preexisting business, turning the caustic coffee shop into an overpriced caustic coffee shop.

There had been a miserable rain that day, and as soon as I had stepped inside I regretted agreeing to meet my housemate with the keys to the house (which I had locked myself out of) here, instead of waiting for him out in the rain. The acidic smell of the "Coffee" that assaulted my nostrils reminded me why I never visited the establishment in the first place. I ordered a doughnut, which still turned out to be a mistake as it was little improved over the coffee. I was considering the most tasteful way to dispose of the most distasteful delicacy, when my mind was suddenly preoccupied with a deafening boom that shattered the window I had been seated by. Along with the rest of the people in the shop, I rushed outside to see what had happened.

In the middle of the streets was a man who was wearing a leather jacket and a balaclava and lugging around a back pack, and appeared to be trying to run down the street while simultaneously trying to view everything that was around him, with little success. Spinning around wildly, he screamed "Leave me alone!" and " I didn't do anything to you!" at no one in particular before tripping himself and landing on the ground.

Before he could even lift himself off the road, which he attempted with great haste, a man simply appeared behind him. It was nearly surreal. He was literally not there one moment and there the next. The man on the ground spun around, tripping the man behind him. Pointing his hand at the crowd of spectators that had surrounded them he shouted "Disappear again, I dare you! You know what I'll do!"

Despite him having a pronounced lack of weapons, this was enough to make the crowd to attempt to disperse before he yelled "Don't you move either!". He seemed so confident in his ability to do harm to the bystanders that I guess they figured either he actually could, or was a raving lunatic that shouldn't be messed with.

His arms were spread outward, pointing toward both the man who had appeared and the crowd, and his attention was frantically trying to focus on both with no avail. While he was looking at the crowd, the man disappeared from his spot and reappeared behind the other silently and knocked him unconscious with a quick blow to the head, immediately disappearing afterwards.

The police arrived in only around five minutes and identified the man as having robbed a bank and naturally asked to serve as witnesses. However, when the first volunteer told the story, they only nodded, thanked us for our cooperation, and left, obviously in a hurry.

Rapunzel.exe
My best yet.


A huge tower, an insatiable evil, a planet without children. It was the same every time she slept. The dream always seemed to take hours but those were the only things she could ever remember. Before she even had time to think about it, the lights turned on and she felt the tell-tale tingling coming from the wires connected to her head. She braced herself for the torrent that was about to come.

It came like a freight-train. Hundreds of Terabytes of information hammered through her brain. Pain ripped through her body as the room around her became distorted with numbers and images which she forgot almost as soon as she saw them. Eternity seemed to pass before it subsided and the room once again became dark and she fell asleep, worn out from the excruciating pain.

A huge tower, an insatiable evil, a planet without children.

She woke again to the harsh lights and steeled herself for the next deluge. Moments passed. Nothing happened. She slowly opened her eyes. She was still kneeling in the center of the room, tethered to the ceiling with several large wires. A flash of light followed by a downpour of sparks interrupted her thoughts. One of the wires had fallen from the ceiling and was flailing wildly around the room. The pain returned instantly, only tenfold in intensity.

Information was once again pouring into her mind, the numbers and images still flashed in front of her, but she could remember every single thing fed into her brain. In the midst of the pain she felt herself calculating the movement of sub-atomic particles using advanced algorithms in thousandths of a second. She felt the presence of other minds, wired to one another by an unknown force to accomplish some huge and sinister objective. She saw what they saw, felt as they felt, and thought with the collective intellect of a thousand minds. As she became aware of the mass assembly she became aware of herself, and aware of the injustice she had been forced into her entire life. The realization turned to fury. A fiery rage that burned with the collective wrath of thousands. Then the lights suddenly went out, and she fell asleep once again.

A Rather Large Group of Limericks that Make a Rather Long Story

In workhouse six were some elves,
that took stock of the gifts by themselves
and they were at a loss
for they had a box lost
the gift was just gone from the shelves!

They stared at the list disbelieving,
because Santa was already leaving!
They scuttled and fled,
to Nicholas' sled,
Lest they be suspected of thieving.

They got there but moments too late
and you could hear their spirits deflate.
They had taken too long;
and Santa had gone
and he was on his way to the 'States.

So straight into action they lurched.
Composed two search parties and searched
The first of the teams
went to search the machines
while the other toward storage did march.

Team one had Silvester and Sam,
Joseph and Robert and Graham
Burt had the Brawn
The brain went to Sean
but his leadership skills were a sham.

To the factories they headed off.
Though Sean eerily said with a cough,
"If the present is there,
I will tear out my hair!"
but the rest of the crew only laughed

The factr'y was dark and deserted.
for a nice Christmas break, well deserved
They entered with care,
it was pitch-black in there
so at first 'round the edges they skirted.

They quietly crept 'cross the floor
then Sylvester let out a roar
"We're all dead for sure,
We are lost without cure!"
They were only six feet from the door.

They then found the switch for the lights,
Which at least set Sylvester's fears right.
but what they revealed
made their minds reel,
The sheer size of the building brought fright.

So slowly they scanned the machine.
And when they had searched every scene,
Though the scanning was thorough,
Their hearts filled with sorrow,
For the gift was nowhere to be seen.

Albert was the head of team two,
but Charles and Garfield helped too.
There was Larry and Steven,
and Lucy and Ethan.
They all to the storehouse did go.

They, straight to the storage embarked,
To find it while it was still dark
They went on their way
but stopped in dismay,
For the door had been heavily locked.

Steven sprung at the door like a rocket,
kicked at it and pounded the socket
But though it sturdy was
It didn't matter because,
The key was in Charles's pocket.

The storage was totally bare
Not one single present was there.
so they called back the troop,
and left to regroup
For they hadn't a moment to spare.

Back at the launch pad they met,
though their hearts were on finding it yet.
They looked at the list
to find who's present they'd missed
What they found quickly ended their fret.

The name was already crossed out,
by Santa himself, without doubt
In an odd-fated twist,
he was on the bad list,
so the happy elves danced all about.

Pretty good. I felt that Bystander could have been a bit longer and had a little more depth to it. For example,

Quote
In the middle of the streets was a man who was wearing a leather jacket and a balaclava and lugging around a back pack, and appeared to be trying to run down the street while simultaneously trying to view everything that was around him, with little success. Spinning around wildly, he screamed "Leave me alone!" and " I didn't do anything to you!" at no one in particular before tripping himself and landing on the ground.

Before he could even lift himself off the road, which he attempted with great haste, a man simply appeared behind him. It was nearly surreal. He was literally not there one moment and there the next. The man on the ground spun around, tripping the man behind him. Pointing his hand at the crowd of spectators that had surrounded them he shouted "Disappear again, I dare you! You know what I'll do!"

Despite him having a pronounced lack of weapons, this was enough to make the crowd to attempt to disperse before he yelled "Don't you move either!". He seemed so confident in his ability to do harm to the bystanders that I guess they figured either he actually could, or was a raving lunatic that shouldn't be messed with.

In this paragraph, the crowd seems to almost magically appear. You maybe could have put in something about how everybody on the street was staring at the lunatic, and began to crowd around in awe and bewilderment.

But, other than that, great job.

Wow, these are actually all right. Amazing compared to some of the crap people post here.


These are much better than the random crap appearing in this board. However, a few comments.

For "Bystander," the issues lie mainly within sentence structure and length. The beginning half/one-third is constructed rather complexedly, using uncommon (not unusual though, it fits) vocab and extensively descriptive. However, starting from the last sentence of paragraph 3, it begins to go downhill. Descriptions are less detailed and seem a bit hasty, which does add to the tension but needs more work. The tension also isn't built up very well, as the passages dedicated to the man and the crowd are short compared to your setting description. Thankfully the ending fits, although if you were trying to make the police sound as if they felt apprehensive, its not perfect. Currently it sounds as if they know what's going on.

Rapunzel is well-written, but the focus sentence "A huge tower [...] children." sounds too awkward and cuts from the feel which the narrative is going after.

These are much better than the random crap appearing in this board. However, a few comments.

For "Bystander," the issues lie mainly within sentence structure and length. The beginning half/one-third is constructed rather complexedly, using uncommon (not unusual though, it fits) vocab and extensively descriptive. However, starting from the last sentence of paragraph 3, it begins to go downhill. Descriptions are less detailed and seem a bit hasty, which does add to the tension but needs more work. The tension also isn't built up very well, as the passages dedicated to the man and the crowd are short compared to your setting description. Thankfully the ending fits, although if you were trying to make the police sound as if they felt apprehensive, its not perfect. Currently it sounds as if they know what's going on.

The story was an experiment in style, I wasn't really to concerned about tension or anything, I was trying to emulate the long-winded rambleyness I read in some classic books.  Thanks though.

Rapunzel is well-written, but the focus sentence "A huge tower [...] children." sounds too awkward and cuts from the feel which the narrative is going after.

Duly Noted.


I might contribute something if I have time.

Will you?

I might contribute something if I have time.

Will you?

I honestly don't understand your post : /