Bloody Horizon, Chapter 1, Scene 1.

[war monger]

                                                               Bloody Horizon, Chapter 1                                                             It was a sunny day two weeks after the discovery of the newest planet, Gliese-987, it was an ordinary day in the small town of Hopeville. The kids were playing, the birds were chirping, and the sun was shining. All was well and good until..... The event, suddenly the sun was blocked out for a short time by the newly discovered planet. On the same day near a secrete military installation in Nevada, the planet made a minor collision with Earth, barely scraping the surface. The scientists rejoiced thinking "Crysis averted", they were wrong, horribly wrong, what the scientists didn't know was that the planet had tiny micro-organisms on the surface. When the planet made impact the organisms were released onto the planet, the organisms were different from anything humans had every seen, they could control.....the dead... As the dead were risen panic began to spread and the organism evolved so that when it made contact with blood it could sieze control of the entire body and use it for whatever it desired. And what it desired..... was to feed.                                                                         THE END, of Chapter 1. Please cast a vote above and decide whether i should make another or not.

[Ad Bot]

[Yosher]

it really seems like you made the storyline up in like, 5 minutes.
it's very cliche.

[war monger]

it really seems like you made the storyline up in like, 5 minutes.
it's very cliche.

It actually took me much longer than 5 minutes, i had to perfect a few rough edges so all in all i had to think and sketch down my ideas that took about an hour to and hour and a half.

[war monger]

It actually took me much longer than 5 minutes, i had to perfect a few rough edges so all in all i had to think and sketch down my ideas that took about an hour to and hour and a half.

Thats mostly due to the fact that i cut the story in thirds to make 3 chapters so thats why it took that long. So i already have the other chapters done i just want to make sure they are wanted before i force them into the forums.

[war monger]

Any advice on how to improve it further will be appreciated. Thanks.

[war monger]

as soon as either yes or no in the vote gets high enough i will post chapter 2 or be done with it.

[.:FancyPants:.]

Seems more like a story summary than an actual story. But the idea is interesting.

[war monger]

Seems more like a story summary than an actual story. But the idea is interesting.

Thanks, considering your the only one thats taken the time to read it and comment nicely.

[Måster Blåster]

I still can't read.

Not bad.

[war monger]

I still can't read.

Not bad.

thanks master.

[Kevin]

For me it felt like it didn't flow that well.

Were here then were there and there is this planet and now in Nevada and reanimated people and.

But if this is supposed to be the opener it does its job of getting me interested.

Considering I'm left feeling like, "What are these things" and "Why am I reading this"

but the second is just an afterthought.

[war monger]

For me it felt like it didn't flow that well.

Were here then were there and there is this planet and now in Nevada and reanimated people and.

But if this is supposed to be the opener it does its job of getting me interested.

Considering I'm left feeling like, "What are these things" and "Why am I reading this"

but the second is just an afterthought.

Thanks for the feedback. I guess i could probably make this a type of trailer to get people interested.

[Katadeus]

secrete

But yes, I agree with Yosher. Sorry for the lack of constructive criticism; I don't know exactly what to say.
I'll give some more pointed criticism.
You might want to change the number from 987; it's just too obvious in my opinion, but this is minor and nit-picky.
Hopeville has nothing to do with anything else there. This actually is very important; it's like introducing a character and then not having them at all involved in anything in the text.
Crysis is spelled crCIA, and not capitalized.
The idea of dead rising, even if due to alien micro-organisms, is very cliche.
When you use "...," use it correctly. There are never more than three in a row. A fade out is three, then if you want to have a fade in, insert a space between the two groups of three and then continue without a space after the second three.
There are a few other spelling and grammatical errors, but in general you should be more careful with that.

And also, any kind of collision at all would have much more devastating effects; even if it only entered the atmosphere and never touched the surface it would do huge damage.

[war monger]

But yes, I agree with Yosher. Sorry for the lack of constructive criticism; I don't know exactly what to say.
I'll give some more pointed criticism.
You might want to change the number from 987; it's just too obvious in my opinion, but this is minor and nit-picky.
Hopeville has nothing to do with anything else there. This actually is very important; it's like introducing a character and then not having them at all involved in anything in the text.
Crysis is spelled crCIA, and not capitalized.
The idea of dead rising, even if due to alien micro-organisms, is very cliche.
When you use "...," use it correctly. There are never more than three in a row. A fade out is three, then if you want to have a fade in, insert a space between the two groups of three and then continue without a space after the second three.
There are a few other spelling and grammatical errors, but in general you should be more careful with that.

And also, any kind of collision at all would have much more devastating effects; even if it only entered the atmosphere and never touched the surface it would do huge damage.

In response to the last part, thats why its fiction, you can make things happen that are impossible otherwise.

[Bach The Awesome]

He wouldet stop saying hes famous for makeing Good storys on my server back when we didnt hate eachother