Customer: "I would like to place an order."Tech Support: "Unfortunately, we are unable to take orders over the phone. All orders must be placed on our web site."Customer: "Web site?"Tech Support: "You need access to a computer that's connected to the Internet in order to visit our Internet site and place an order."Customer: "Where is the computer?"Tech Support: "..."
For a computer programming class, I sat directly across from someone, and our computers were facing away from each other. A few minutes into the class, she got up to leave the room. I reached between our computers and switched the inputs for the keyboards. She came back and started typing and immediately got a distressed look on her face. She called the teacher over and explained that no matter what she typed, nothing would happen. The teacher tried everything. By this time I was hiding behind my monitor and quaking red-faced. I started to type, "Leave me alone!"They both jumped back, silenced. "What the..." the teacher said. I typed, "I said leave me alone!" The kid got real upset. "I didn't do anything to it, I swear!" It was all I could do to keep from laughing out loud. The conversation between them and HAL 2000 went on for an amazing five minutes.Me: "Don't touch me!"Her: "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hit your keys that hard."Me: "Who do you think you are anyway?!"Etc. Finally, I couldn't contain myself any longer and fell out of my chair laughing. After they had realized what I had done, they both turned beet red. Funny, I never got more than a C- in that class.
Teacher: "You can't do spaces in HTML. If you see spaces on web pages, then they must be using java to override basic HTML. Java saved the Internet, because it removes limitations of HTML, but it's beyond the scope of this course to show you how to do it."
win
Friend: "You know that antivirus program you installed on my computer for me? It keeps popping up some sort of message about a trojan or something while I'm surfing on the internet. It doesn't seem to be doing anything about it because I keep getting the message, so I uninstalled the antivirus program. And now I don't get that message any more."
A user called to inform us that his laptop had a virus. When we asked why he thought he had a virus, he promptly explained that he must have a virus as his system would no longer fit in the docking station. It was later determined that it had a faulty port on the back of the system.
Customer: "So, is there a spray I can buy for my computer?"Tech Support: "Er, I beg your pardon?"Customer: "You know, a spray -- one that I can spray the inside of my computer with."Tech Support: "What sort of spray are we talking about here?"I thought perhaps he had seen someone use a can of compressed air to clean out a machine and mistook it for some sort of spray.Customer: "Well, I was hoping that there would be a spray that would kill all the viruses."Tech Support: "Aaaah...ummm...you mean like a bug spray? For computer viruses?"Customer: "Yes! Would that help?"Tech Support: "I'm really very sorry, but nobody makes anything like that. Computer viruses are just a name we give to malicious software. We use the word 'virus' because it explains how the software behaves."Customer: "So...no spray then."Tech Support: "No."
A guy came into my office, in a real panic. He kept saying something about how his computer screen was shaking violently, and he thought it had a virus! Going down to the computer, I found that the picture on the screen was indeed shaking a lot, but I also noticed something else...a desk fan was placed right next to the monitor, which was plugged into the same power strip. I switched the fan off, and the picture stopped shaking. I told him to move the fan away from the monitor in future, to avoid that problem.Later on I heard him telling a colleague that his desk fan had a virus, and he had to keep it away from the screen to stop it from infecting his computer.
While working on the helpdesk of a local community college, I came across a message on one of our tech support forums. The author of this message was convinced that there was a virus in his BIOS, and he later started accusing us of sending him it. He was convinced that our computers were sending the virus straight to his hard drive through the "modem subcarrier" (his words) between keystrokes while he was dialed in to his shell account.
Customer: "Sorry to bother you again, but I think my son threw a stone in my PC. It tells me, 'Your PC is Stoned!'"(The common "stoned" virus displays this message on infected computers.)
I received a call from a woman. She had been told in a previous call that her computer was infected by a trojan virus and wanted to know where to begin disinfecting the computer. I asked her what software she was using, but she sounded a little confused. After a few minutes, I learned that she had dismantled her computer and was preparing to wipe everything down with Lysol, a disinfecting cleaner.It took me another minute to compose myself and try to tell her to stop before she ruined her computer. I don't know if she did, as I never heard from her again -- and it took me ten minutes to stop laughing.
Tech Support: "Hello, tech support, may I help you?"Customer: (in a thick Russian accent) "Yes. Monitor is working fine but has sparks and smoke flying out back. Is ok?"Tech Support: (blink)
Customer: "Ooh! That's probably not good."Tech Support: "What's going on?"Customer: "Well, some sparks just flew out of my modem."Tech Support: "Ma'am, please disconnect the modem from the power supply immediately."Customer: "Okay."Tech Support: "What color were the sparks?Blue sparks simply means a static discharge, which isn't so bad. Yellow sparks means something worse.Customer: "They're yellow."Tech Support: "Okay, ma'am, do not hook that modem back up."Customer: "Are you sure?"Tech Support: "Positive."Customer: "Really?"Tech Support: "Absolutely."Customer: "What if I use both hands?"Tech Support: "What?"Customer: "Well, I think the spark came out because I was trying to use one hand to plug the power in."Tech Support: "Ma'am, please do not plug that power cord back in. It is not safe."Customer: "But I've got both hand free now."Tech Support: "Ma'am, that modem is a fire hazard, and having it plugged in is not safe. Please take it in to your local office, and I promise we will replace it for free."Customer: "I've got both hands free. I'm just going to plug it back in."Tech Support: "Ma'am, if you plug the modem back in, we will not be liable for any damages incurred to your computer or your home."Customer: "Well I don't want to pay for it!"
Customer: "I have a message on my screen that says: 'Disk Full'. What can that be?"Tech Support: "Maybe your disk is full."Customer: "Hmmm. OK."
Friend: "I just set up the new computer I bought, but I can't get the keyboard to work."Me: "What shape plug does the keyboard have? And what color is it?"Friend: "It's round and purple."Me: "On the back of the machine, there will be a small, round, purple hole. Can you see that?"Friend: "I see a purple hole, but it's not the right one, because it says its PS2. I don't have a Playstation 2."
Customer: "Hi, I think I've got a problem with my monitor."Tech Support: "Ah. Do you still have an image?"Customer: "Yes, best image ever. Thing is, when I look at it from the side, I see red hot components."Tech Support: "Uh, when you look at it from the SIDE? How can you see any components?"Customer: "Well, through that big smoking hole."
This customer had a thick, thick Appalachian accent.Customer: "I need help! My screen has cancer all over it!"Tech Support: "...What?"Customer: "Whenever I click on something, I get cancer poppin' up all over. Cancer, cancer, cancer, everywhere is cancer poppin' up."Tech Support: "Cancer? Ma'am, I don't think your computer can get cancer. What exactly are you doing?"Customer: "When I usin' this, a thing comes up that says action cancer."Tech Support: "Oh, Action Cancelled? What are you clicking when this happens?"Customer: "What am I clickin'?"Tech Support: "Yes, what are you clicking right now?"Customer: "Rice, beans, and pataters, why?"
Tech Support: "Well, sir, in that case I have to cancel the test and try again. So please leave your cable modem on this time."Customer: (in a thick Russian accent) "What? You have cancer?"
I work in an office for a major bank, which doesn't have an on-site IT technician. As I know more than most people there about computers, it falls to me to fill the role of IT coordinator.My immediate boss, no matter how many times I explain it to him, insists on calling the CPU tower of a PC "the hard drive." Although it caused some confusion to begin with, I generally know what he means and ignore it, and the job gets done. But this came to a head a while ago when we had some extra work coming in, and we needed 20 new PCs, which my boss dutifully ordered.When the shipment came in, it was in a suspiciously small box. Of course my boss had put in a call asking for "20 new hard drives," and of course that's what we'd been sent.The funniest part was listening to one side of a telephone conversation in which he angrily complained that he'd wanted "HARD DRIVES, not this box of useless junk!"
lol!
Customer: (angrily) "You said I would get 98 windows with this computer. Where are they?"
Customer: "I clicked 'Remove Pending Deals' and now the pending deal is gone!"
